Hellobee

A while back I read Mrs. Wagon’s post about The Fabulous Fours and thought oh how wonderful to have something to look forward to. Fast forward to now, at the tail end of four, and I can say four has been anything but fabulous for us. For what it’s worth I will say Drake never went through really difficult moments when he was younger. We never had the terrible twos (I actually loved two), and I was scared for three since that’s when Juliet was born; I was worried it would cause all kinds of jealousy and issues, but we sailed through three fairly smoothly. So I guess it was inevitable that we would eventually hit some rock hard spots, and four is when it all really came to head.

My sweet boy; what a rough year we have been experiencing and still you lighten my world

I can’t pinpoint when or why four became so much more of a challenge for us, but now that we’re in the thick of it, I admit it really has been a rough year. We have been dealing with a lot of whining and complaining that eventually melts down in to full out disobedience and screaming. I don’t always handle the situations the best, and there have been times when I swear the neighbors can hear all the shouting that is coming from our house. What’s been even harder is that when I see my sweet little boy turn into this screaming, not listening, arguing little monster, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart when I yell back. It hurts my heart that after the all the tears have ended (on both sides), he still wants a hug and to snuggle and say he is sorry. It hurts my heart that after he is finally asleep and I sneak a peek in his room, he still looks like such a little boy.

In the back of mind, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if some of the issues we are running into are atypical. I know it’s normal and common for four year olds to have break downs over what seems like the simplest, silliest, and most irrational things. But I think there seems to be something more when it comes to some of Drake’s breakdowns.

Drake is a very rigid and routine-based child. I don’t think he always was, so this is a newer development. His teachers at school even comment how he will remind them when they forget to do something during their morning routine, or if the teacher said they were going to read a book and then forgot to do it. At home this rigidness and routine has become an issue in numerous ways. Every day when Juliet takes a nap Drake is allowed some TV time. Normally he eats his lunch during that time and after lunch he always has to eat a set list of snacks in that very order — it’s usually cereal with milk, a granola bar, and Popcorners.

In the past we have had some real breakdowns when Drake either gets too wrapped up in his shows and forgets about eating, or Juliet wakes up earlier than usual and we turn off the TV to play and he realizes that he didn’t have his snacks when she was asleep. The same happens when Drake forgets to say good night to Juliet after I put her down. On their own I think these meltdowns are typical for his age, but the length of the arguments and the persistence he puts into telling me this is something that has to happen seems more than the typical four year old. There have been times when Drake has gone to bed melting down and wakes up the next day (albeit in a better mood), but reminds me that he didn’t get to say good night to Juliet and that wasn’t right.

There have even been meltdowns when we are playing at the park or on a playdate, and he notices the sun is setting; he starts to panic about having to be home before it goes down. Even though I reassure him we will be home before dark, he becomes more and more agitated to the point his friends and their parents even start to notice. We have also had meltdowns when Juliet drags her toys out of her room and into the hall or leaves her door open when she is playing upstairs. Drake has stood paralyzed refusing to move until Juliet’s toys are back in her own room or her door is shut because “he can’t look at her things.” Meanwhile he can play happily with her toys with her at any other given point, but in these moments it truly becomes an impassable situation.

Another issue has been during breakfast time. Drake always wants to eat the exact same thing Juliet is at the exact same pace, which never works. Drake doesn’t like all the foods Juliet does so when he insists on eating them, he often complains all the while Juliet continues eating. This makes Drake even more upset as he notices she is eating faster than him (because he is complaining and not eating), until they are eating completely different things which makes the whole thing worse in his mind. These are just a small sampling of meltdowns we have been dealing with in the past few months. They cause such severe breaks that lead to screaming and thrashing, and he even mentions it in the following days after the storm has settled.

As a mother I have to say I waver greatly in my feelings. On the one hand I am frustrated and tired; I’m pregnant and dealing with Juliet as well, so these breakdowns and fights really take a toll on me physically and emotionally. It’s draining to constantly have to battle a four year old’s will and to have to physically remove him to not only teach him that this behavior is unacceptable, but also to keep him from harming someone with his antics. On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps something else is going on with my little boy. He is still very young and I don’t want to diagnose him, but mental health issues do run in our family and I wonder if perhaps some of these manifestations are born out of something more that Drake can’t necessarily control. If that is true, I feel like my own reactions of anger and frustration are unfair.

Of course I want him to behave and he does need to act appropriately in real world settings and situations. But I want to balance his needs as well, work with him and understand his point of view if there is more to it than just a four year old wanting their own way all time. I will speak to his regular doctor at his next well visit to see if perhaps there is more to what I am seeing than the typical child. I do think it’s hard to know sometimes at this age whether it’s a battle of the wills, which all kids go through, or even insufficient sleep or a million other normal reasons to why my four year old is having yet another tantrum.

In the meantime we have been trying to work with Drake in numerous ways to cut down on these battles, and I can finally say with some confidence that perhaps we are seeing some movement in the right direction. Here are some things we have been trying that seem to be helping.

Reward Chart – Drake loves stickers. When I babysit the little girl I watch, I will sometimes give Drake a sticker before we leave if he has played nicely with her that day. Drake loves those stickers so I bought him a sticker book where he could keep them, but added that if he was also good for Mommy he could get an additional sticker. I told him if he accumulated 25 stickers from Mommy, he could get a special treat like ice cream for dessert or a Go Go Animal (his new current obsession).

The concept worked in the sense that Drake likes stickers and wants a prize. But asking Drake to be good all day was a bit harder. We did have good days, but a four-year-old isn’t always going to be their best all day, so I found it difficult to determine at the end of the day whether he was good and deserved a sticker. Mr. Chocolate pointed out that the reward was too abstract and far away for Drake to grasp and maintain for the entirety of the day. With that in mind I am currently modifying the system, and will probably do so until I find the right mix. Now I reward Drake immediately with a sticker every time he does something good like sharing with his sister, doing something I ask the first time, listening and stopping as soon as I say, etc. I still like to reward him at the end of the day if he had a good one with a sticker, but the ones that are given immediately after he does a good thing seems to help him focus and remember better.

Stick to Consequences – I try never to threaten a punishment I can’t carry through so Drake sees immediate and swift action taken when he is not behaving. I admit it’s hard sometimes in the heat of the moment not to blurt out something that you can’t really follow through on, but I’ve come to see when Drake understands that I mean something, it works out better for us all. I do still have to dole out punishments from time to time, but sometimes now when I merely mention how his behavior is escalating to a point where he is going to have to go to time out or lose something, it does seem to make him pause and diffuse the situation… at least some of the time.

Forgiveness and Redemption – Recently Drake’s teacher at school has pulled me aside to say how Drake’s behavior with sharing and grabbing at school has been an issue and a problem in the classroom. After hearing this I told Drake if I spoke to his teacher, he would lose his TV privileges. Mr Chocolate suggested that Drake could earn back his shows if he was good during the day and did things above and beyond his normal routine. Drake took to this idea well and since we have started it he has earned back many of his shows. He was also proud and happy with himself when he did something that got him back his show, as he would tell Mr Chocolate all about it when he came home from work.

Reminders – I’m not against reminding and repeating needs and wants to help a child remember better. When I take Drake to school in the morning now, I always ask how he is going to act with his friends, as well as what happens if he behaves poorly and his teachers have to talk to me. I hope in time I won’t have to remind him, but for now it seems to be helping when he repeats all the good behaviors like sharing, using words, asking for help vs. the bad ones like grabbing, hitting, not sharing.

Tae Kwon Do – In the midst of our tumultuous year, Drake’s school offered a Tae Kwon Do class through a local school that came to Drake’s preschool. I decided to sign Drake up because I was hoping the class would help him patience, being better with his hands, and overall being better at better sharing and taking turns. I knew that the teachers might be a little sterner and tougher with their teachings because of the nature and discipline the art of Tae Kwon Do requires. The teachers send home a weekly chore chart and ask the parents to fill them out along with any additional comments and concerns to be returned each week. I tried to be as fair and honest as I could with the assessments, noting how Drake tries but we are struggling. During this class period is when things started to turn around. We had started to implement many of the other strategies I’ve mentioned above, but the change in Drake’s overall listening has seen a vast improvement. I want to think the reward chart and conversations with his instructors have had at least a little effect on this overall change in behavior.

Controlling My Own Reactions – I fully admit that I don’t always react as well as I hope I could when Drake is melting down. The days as a SAHM are long and thankless. Sometimes toward the end of the day, especially if I’m solo parenting, my patience and tolerance are very low. Clearly it’s never good to have two people who are yelling and frustrated at one another, and I really don’t want to be that mother either. While I want to always remain an authority figure, I also want to be one who tries to understand, communicate and model the behavior I want from my children. I’ve started to count to 10 if I feel myself about to go over the deep end, or sometimes I just walk away for a few moments to compose myself, as I often suggest to Drake as well. By trying to work on my own emotions I feel like I can handle the situation a little bit more rationally. This is a work in progress as I also have good days and bad days, but I have found when I’m a bit calmer and kinder with my own words, it does seem to help Drake pull himself together faster as well.

Giving In – I don’t mean allowing the behavior I want to eliminate, but rather understanding some of the things that cause melt downs and heading them off. For instance with Drake’s need to eat his snacks after lunch, I remind him to eat them before it gets too late. The same goes for saying good night to Juliet. I can’t do this for every little thing, but for these routine-based ones which don’t play a huge factor in safety and general listening, I’m willing to make sure he gets what he needs to help both of us in the long run. I won’t budge on things like hitting or being unkind, but if making sure he wishes his sister good night every night is something he absolutely feels is vital, I’m ok with making sure it happens.

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Overall I finally feel we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m hopeful that five will usher in the year of fabulousness for us. Four has definitely been trying and hard, but even through those tough days everything is wiped away with hugs, snuggles, and a good night sleep for all; the beauty of childhood I suppose.