Hellobee

It happened. Little Lion finally found a way to push my buttons to the point of turning me into the ragey steam-out-of-the-ears mommy that I hoped to never become.

It all started so innocently… I would give directions and Little Lion would ignore me. I told myself he was too young. I told myself he didn’t understand what I was asking. I told myself he didn’t hear me. But then, disaster. Little Lion heard me, looked directly at me, and proceeded to do exactly what it was I told him not to do. Remember that scene from Finding Nemo where Nemo touches the boat after his dad tells him not to? It was like that. Pure, intentional defiance.

For a week or so, my stern teacher voice was enough to put a stop to it. But then, one day as I was trying to feed Baby Lion, things took an ugly turn. When telling Little Lion to put his feet on the floor for the 100th time that morning, he climbed back on top of the entertainment center, turned to look me in the eye, and laughed at me in this manic laugh that I had never seen or heard before. Not only was he disobeying me directly, but he thought it was hilarious.

I would like to be able to tell you that I kept my cool, but, alas, I didn’t. Feelings of frustration, anger, and panic flowed through me and overwhelmed my good sense. The stern teacher voice wasn’t cutting it…so I yelled that time. And the time after that. And the time after that. Within the course of 30 minutes I had yelled at him more times than I could count. I was distraught and confused. What on earth had gotten into this child? What was I doing wrong?

This went on for another week…defying, yelling, defying, yelling. It was a horrible cycle, one that I could not for the life of me figure out how to get out of. These behaviors tended to occur when I was feeding the baby or rocking her before her nap, and this left me feeling helpless. Trying to distract him with special toys didn’t work. I can only be in one place at once. How can I take care of both of my children when one of them is clearly possessed!?

What do you mean, “feet on the floor”?

Obviously Little Lion is not really possessed, and he isn’t just defiant. Had I been functioning on a little more sleep I probably would have seen this sooner, but something happened that gave me a clue as to what was going on with my sweet little dude.

Later that week, I noticed that LL was taking his dump truck and throwing it down the stairs of our deck, watching it bounce to the bottom with that same manic laughter. He would climb down the stairs, drag the truck back up, and do it all over again, laughing all the way. I started to notice that he did this at other times too…when he pushed a button on his music player, when he shrieked and made the cat jump, when he dropped his cup and milk spilled everywhere. Turns out, LL had discovered cause and effect, and he thinks watching the effects of his actions is hilarious!

Little Lion was not laughing at my discipline. He was laughing at the fact that his actions could cause a reaction in Mommy. The more extreme my reaction to his behavior, the more hilarious it was to him.

So, I really had to determine another course of action. If my reaction was feeding the behavior, then I needed to find a way to remove my reaction from the equation. But since these behaviors are often unsafe ones (my little daredevil is an adventure seeker to the core), ignoring was not an option. I needed another consequence.

I am a believer in using natural consequences with toddlers. Most often these consequences involve removing an item or activity all together. But I can’t remove the entertainment center from the living room while I am nursing…so in these situations, the only thing to do is remove Little Lion from the living room.

Enter, time out. Now, let me clarify… I am not usually a fan of time out for toddlers. They do not have the attention span to regulate their behavior long enough for time out to be effective without an adult sitting with them (and usually sitting them down when they stand up over and over again). Since almost all toddler behavior has an element of attention-seeking to it, dropping what I am doing to sit through time out with him is rewarding that behavior, even if he is technically receiving a consequence. To a toddler who wants attention, any attention will do.

So instead, Little Lion’s bedroom (which is completely child-safe) becomes his time out space. If he is doing something after I have asked him to stop once, he gets a warning that sounds something like, “I asked you to keep your feet on the floor. If you climb up there again you will go to time out in your room.” If he does it again, I will take him to his room and shut the door, without talking to him at all. This way he does not get the reward of my attention, he is removed from the situation that was unsafe, and he sees that his behavior has a direct consequence. I keep the door closed for a minute or two, and then let him rejoin me. This does take time away from the baby (fortunately I can carry her with me during these times and can sometimes manage to continue nursing), but it isn’t nearly as disruptive to her as trying to get a 2 year old to sit still in a chair for a certain amount of time would be.

In addition to adding a consequence, I am also making a point to spend a little more “floor time” with Little Lion than I was before. He has always been such an independent kid, and while he isn’t showing jealousy of his baby sister in obvious ways, I am certain that some of this attention seeking is a result of becoming a big brother. Giving him a little more positive attention definitely can’t hurt.

So far this seems to be pretty effective. In the week since we started this strategy, he has only needed to go into “time out” 3 times. The warning is usually sufficient for him to make better choices. I know it’s only a matter of time before he throws me another curve ball, but this was a good lesson in how understanding the “why” of a toddler’s behavior can be so helpful. My little man isn’t naughty, he is just curious.