Mr. Schoolbus and I were married in 2009. We wanted to wait at least a year to enjoy being married before we really tried to have kids, despite the fact that I was already 34 at that time. In the back of my mind my biological clock was ticking, but I didn’t want to rush into having a baby just because of my age.
After our first year of marriage, we started “trying” to have a baby but we didn’t get pregnant until January of 2011. You can imagine what we were feeling when we saw that “pregnant” sign on the pregnancy test. We were so excited! But I was also fearful of things going wrong. I tend to be a worrywart and have fear of the unknown. I was also scared of miscarrying, but I tried to do all the right things like take my prenatal vitamins and go to all my OB appointments. Everything seemed to be progressing nicely. I had a 7 week ultrasound where I heard the heartbeat so I felt things were going well, and that we would be parents in October of that year. Little did I know that just a few short weeks later when I thought I would be in the clear at 12 weeks, one of the greatest heartaches of my life would happen.
Without going into too much detail, I had to go to the ER because I started spotting which turned into heavy bleeding one night. I knew at that point that the baby was gone. Even though at the hospital no one tells you until the doctor officially confirms it, I already knew. We were devastated. Those months after were pretty difficult and dark. But somehow we got through them.
Some time later in October (when the baby would have been born), we found out that I was pregnant again. We were once again excited but it was different than the first time. I think once a miscarriage happens, it steals some of the joy of pregnancy. This baby would be born sometime in July of the following year. I did all the “right” things and took my vitamins, went to all my appointments and relaxed. But sadly this pregnancy ended in miscarriage when they couldn’t find a heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment at 9 weeks. To say I was beside myself was an understatement. The months following were very dark times. I still had to work but I pretty much shut down emotionally and shut a lot of people and things out to try to recover from two consecutive losses in one year. Some people were understanding and accommodating, others were not so much.
As I look back, here are some things I’ve come to realize:
1. It’s not your fault. There really wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent it from happening. I thought that if I took all my vitamins, read all the right books, went to all my OB appointments, didn’t smoke or drink, and didn’t lift heavy things that I could have prevented it. I thought maybe if I was younger or more fit then it wouldn’t have happened. How could I not blame myself? I was the one carrying the baby so it must have been something I did or didn’t do that caused it. But I realize now that it wasn’t my fault. About a year after my miscarriages, we hatched baby chicks in an incubator at school. We put 42 eggs in an incubator. They were all subjected to the same conditions and environment but only 36 hatched. That experience solidified the realization that in pregnancy some babies make it and some don’t. In a weird way, it brought me some comfort because I think I was blaming myself for the losses as if there could have been a way to prevent it somehow.
2. It’s ok to cry. In the days and months following our losses, I remember there would be days when I would just cry for no reason. Sometimes seeing a mom and a dad interact with their young child would make me all emotional. At one point, I had to unfollow or hide posts of people on Facebook or Instagram who were pregnant or just had a baby. I just couldn’t deal with it. It was part of the grieving process for me to just let out my emotions so that I could heal from it. I remember even crying at work while I taught my students.
3. It’s ok if some friendships end. Following my losses, I shut down emotionally and closed myself up and away from friends who were negative and unsupportive. I am normally a very accommodating and understanding person. But now I was the one in need of understanding and nurturing. They just were not there for me. Perhaps they didn’t know how to be there since they never went through it, but I couldn’t handle any negativity while I felt like I was falling apart. Luckily I had other friends who were so encouraging, and really supported me even though they never went through such loss. I was and am so thankful for such friends.
4. It’s ok to talk about it. After some time had passed, I needed to talk about my experience with others. The more I talked about it, the more I came to realize how common it is. Maybe it’s my Asian background or my upbringing, but I was taught to not talk about things like this because it’s considered “shameful.” But I think that is precisely why I needed to talk about it; to show that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, but talking about it with others helped me heal. In talking with others, I found out that some of my friends had experienced a miscarriage as well. Most people just don’t talk about it.
5. Everyone has a story in their journey to motherhood. Just because you see an ultrasound picture of someone else getting pregnant before you do, you don’t know what it took for them to get there. I remember feeling twinges of jealousy and resentment each time I would see ANOTHER person on Facebook post an ultrasound picture or hear about someone ELSE getting pregnant. But I realize I don’t know the story of how they got there. They might have had fertility issues or had loss. I just don’t know and it’s not my place to judge or hate. But I did have the choice to look away if it bothered me that much which is what I ended up doing.
6. It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day or even after a few months, but it will get better eventually. That old saying about time healing all wounds is true in that as time passes there is healing that takes place. Personally for me I feel like I truly healed once I had a healthy baby. During my pregnancy with Little Schoolbus, I did have some fears and concerns, but I tried to push those thoughts away. Prior to getting pregnant with her time did heal me to a certain degree, but seeing other people with healthy babies would still sadden me. Once Little Schoolbus was in my arms and I became a mom, I felt restored.
Little Schoolbus at 12 days old, photo by Esther Sun Photography
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Thank you for sharing so openly. I learned so many of these things during our infertility journey. #3 is such a hard one. We definitely had friend that just started ignoring us because they didn’t want to have to deal with what we were going through. It was a very difficult time for us. You’re also right about #6! It may get much worse before it gets better, but it does eventually get better.
cantaloupe / 6634 posts
Thank you for sharing this.
Although my journey was different than yours, I also endured two losses before getting pregnant a third time with my, hopefully, “rainbow baby” (currently 36 weeks.)
I learned so, so much from my experiences. Some good and some bad. I learned that people, generally, have no idea how to process other people’s loss or grief and often leads them to saying platitudes that hurt or they distance themselves. Miscarriage is so lonely. I felt like people felt sorry for me but I was missing two little ones I would never hold.
I, too, feel differently when I hear or see people announce their pregnancies. Maybe it was “easy” for them to get pregnant and stay pregnant but most don’t know about what we have been through, so I shouldn’t assume. Even if it was “easy,”shouldn’t I be happy? Happy that their little one gets a chance to thrive?
Miscarriage is so so awful, but it helps when others (like yourself) can be transparent and honest.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@Mrs. High Heels:
@Mrs. Pinata: Thank you! Yes, #3 was hard to swallow but when you’re going through such a difficult time, I sought out people who would be there for me.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@simplyfelicity: Congrats on your little rainbow baby! I’m so excited for you! Thank you for your sweet, kind words. And yes, even if it was “easy” for someone to stay pregnant, it’s ok if you can’t be happy for them at the moment because of whatever you are going through. It is just your grief over the loss of pregnancies that make it difficult to see others with healthy ones. Personally for me, it wasn’t like I wasn’t happy for them. I just kept thinking what was wrong with me that I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy to full term. But then, I also never knew if they had a hard time getting pregnant unless they were my real friends and not just social media friends. Does that make sense?
cantaloupe / 6634 posts
@Mrs. Schoolbus: Thank you!
I COMPLETELY understand. I avoided people who were pregnant and cried when I saw facebook announcements. It was so, so hard to understand why they got their babies and I didnt. It wasn’t until I got pregnant for the third time (I will be honest, i didnt take that 
well) that it dawned on me I didn’t know everyone’s story, just like not many knew mine.
I just can’t wait for the moment that I get to hold my son, look him in the eyes and understand why everything happened just the way it did.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@simplyfelicity: I don’t think we will ever fully understand why miscarriages happen. For me, I really appreciated and loved my daughter more than had I not gone through them. Not that people have to have trauma or loss to love their babies more. Sometimes I can complain about things but after going through everything, I was just soooo THANKFUL for her. (gotta remind myself of that now as we are in our terrible twos. lol)
Can’t wait for you to hold your son!!!! 
pomelo / 5073 posts
@Mrs. Schoolbus: Thank you for this post! We lost our first baby at 20 weeks. She was classified as a miscarriage since it was right at 20 weeks. It was so hard to deal with everything that came with the aftermath of such a loss. People don’t know what to say to you, etc. Then, when you are pregnant again it’s hard because you want to be happy, but you are scared/ worried and you don’t want to seem ungrateful about anything and you don’t know who you can talk to about it all. I remember feeling detached until we got pass 20 weeks. But, there were little things that were different—I felt her moving and she just made her presence known from day one. I’m hoping my next pregnancy will go smoother and I won’t be so terrified the whole time. Beautiful little girl, by the way!!!!!
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@singingbee: Oh my gosh! You have been through so much! It’s so hard isn’t it? You want to be so happy about having a baby but there are so many risks. I think I’ve learned to just be thankful for everything and to take it one day at a time.