Hellobee

To recap my last post: I found out I was pregnant just a few hours before my husband told me our marriage was over and he was moving out. Kind of the best and worst day ever.

After meeting with my lawyer the first time, we went over a few key provisions I wanted to include in our separation agreement. From the start, my priority was the safety of my children over absolutely everything else. I mentioned in the last post that my husband really, really loves gun. Unfortunately the therapist decided that he didn’t produce an immediate threat, and despite saying, “I’m a mandated reporter,” she doesn’t seem to have reported any of the incidents. That meant my ultimate goal to have 100% custody and access 24/7 and never allow my kids to sleep overnight was an unattainable dream.

What we did decide to include was that all guns must stay locked up in a room that the children cannot access, which meant no common areas or bedrooms, like a storage unit. He (and I) would also have to consent to surprise inspections (at reasonable times) that I hired or paid to make sure the residence is safe for children. That was without a doubt, an absolute must for me. I’m not here to spark a gun control debate, but in my immediate family, gun control was an absolute necessity and it just isn’t something I can take lightly anymore.

We talked over a few more unconventional provisions, and my lawyer said to text or call anytime. And I did. He had a rough draft of the agreement sent over that night, and I printed it out and made notes all over it of things to delete, add, or edit. Meanwhile, I was scrambling everywhere else. He advised me to disclose the pregnancy, and to also head straight over to the bank and divide up our assets. To pep myself up for these terrifying tasks, I reached out to the mom group again and said I would be going for a coffee, should anyone enjoy a soaked shoulder. It was an amazing thing, to have women I honestly barely knew outside of music classes or kids’ day out to show up and let me cry. They gave me amazing advice. My lawyer’s wife was there, and she even started a meal calendar for me. It was without a doubt one of the best, most uplifting moments of my life, which was ironic because I was telling them that my husband was leaving his pregnant wife and children. Except he didn’t know about the pregnant part yet. How very Maury Povich. I went back to my parents’ home and waited for my husband to get off work and start packing.

When he arrived, he talked to my dad and mentioned that he saw I had taken money out of our account. He said he wanted to talk to me, so I walked over to my home. I live on the same property as my parents, which is also where my sister is building, so the whole “it takes a village” thing is a fantastic reality for me), I didn’t know how I would be received, but it went really well, oddly enough. He was in good spirits, ready to talk more about some of the details ahead of us.

We had about 30 minutes of hashing out the little things and bigger things, and he was understanding for much of it. I asked him for Christmas every year, because I grew up in a nuclear family and have extremely fond memories of celebrating the same traditions every year and really wanted that for our kids. It was something I had started building already, and I hated to lose it. He consented. We talked over a few other details. He seemed at peace with things, almost happy even. Lighter. We had reached around to health insurance, when I segued into the news. “I don’t want this information to change your decision. I didn’t tell you at the time because I didn’t want you to feel trapped and I wanted to know how you truly felt, without any interference about anything else. I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was positive. I’m pregnant.”

He lost it then, and just broke down. I was so nervous, not knowing what this reaction meant. Was he angry? Sad? Happy? What? He said he was overwhelmed, and that he needed some space. He was going to go over to the house where his room was and meet his roommates. And he left. He was unresponsive to text messages that night, and I feared the worst. I spent another sleepless night worrying about, well, everything.

What is next for me? Everything is in flux, and it’s not a state I’m comfortable functioning in. I like neat, decisive answers. And this whole situation was anything but.