We aren’t done with licensing yet, but we have heard that some foster parents, especially those who are willing to take infants, get their first call the same day they are officially licensed. With this in mind, we decided to spend some of our own money to prepare for our first placement. I am a planner by nature, so it was stressing me out thinking that we might have to do a bunch of last minute shopping, especially given the rural area in which we live. Many foster parents aren’t first time parents, so they already have some clothing and gear to use with foster children. In our case, I had deliberately avoided buying anything baby related or even reading up on babies or parenting while we were trying to conceive. It was just too hard emotionally to get my hopes up that much.
The first thing we looked for was a crib. We searched on Craigslist and Facebook for good quality, gently used cribs nearby. We ended up finding the perfect one for a great price near my in laws’ house. It made a good excuse for a visit. It is a beautiful solid oak, sleigh bed style crib. My twin bed from my childhood is also in our spare room, and it will stay there unless it seems to get in the way. I’m anticipating it being quite useful to have in the nursery though.
There are more things on our list, of course, but I also know that I will be getting a lot of hand-me-downs and gifts once we have a baby in the house. I think the basics are covered and we are prepared to take on our first placement as soon as we are licensed. I can’t even begin to describe how exciting it is to finally have some baby stuff in the house! I won’t bore you all with photos of our closets, but this drawer of sleepers and diapers is so cute!
I have read up on taking in the first foster placement. Most articles and blogs are about older children, toddlers or even school aged. Infants who are in foster care first and foremost need healthy attachments. The older they are, and depending on their background, they may have trouble forming attachments for the rest of their lives. While I hope that our first call will be about a newborn, it is also possible that we will take in a slightly older infant. In either case, I plan to do a lot of baby wearing. It has been shown to increase bonding and attachment tremendously. It is also suggested that the parents do the primary care (feeding, changing, bathing and bedtime) for at least one month before anyone else is invited to help. This facilitates a healthy bond between parents and infant. Bed sharing is not permitted for foster parents, but room sharing is until age 2 in California. We set up the crib in our spare room, but fully intend to have the baby sleep in our room at least for the first few months.
I am doing a lot of reading, both about infants in general and about foster parenting as well. One of the biggest concerns people have is getting too attached and having it be hard to let the child go if reunification is successful. However, I believe that in order to be successful as a foster parent it is critical that you DO get too attached, even if it is hard to let go. In the end, it’s not about us and our feelings. It’s about a baby or child and their needs. All babies and children need attachment, love and bonding. We hope that, even if we don’t get our forever baby right away, that we will forever make a difference in a child’s life. Eventually we know that we will have an opportunity to adopt and we will be honored to do so when the time comes.
Do you have any suggestions of things I may have overlooked? What else would you do to prepare for a new baby of unknown gender and age?
apricot / 317 posts
Kudos for having a couple of outfits handy…a couple of our kids have come with only clothes on their backs…and two of them have been completely barefoot toddlers. Write down EVERYTHING and keep lots of written records!! Be flexible and remember that plans may change. Read, read, read, all you can. Our family is certified in our state to take children up through age 3, and every child is very different from the last. One of our foster children, DS3, came to us as a newborn baby last June from the local NICU and is now 7 months old. Many things that worked well for DS1 haven’t worked as well for DS3…including baby wearing and baby-led weaning. And be prepared for a myriad of STRONG, mixed emotions when it comes to visitation schedules and discussions of reunification. I was frantic when my first foster child went on his first visit with family, and I cried for an hour the first time DS3 went on his first visit at 8 weeks old. For DS2, who arrived on our doorstep 7 days before Christmas, I actually am looking forward to his first visit, as I think it will do him a lot of good. I’m so excited for you though!!
persimmon / 1161 posts
Good luck! As a social worker I can tell you that being a foster parent it tough. We always need kind, thoughtful people raising children and there always seems to be a shortage of foster parents. I would expect to get your heart broken (possibly many times) before you have a child with your family forever. In my experience many infants go into foster homes from the hospital while the social workers are working to approve a family member to care for the child. That always takes precedence over foster parents, which is often hard for the workers who see amazing fost-adopt families who lose a child to a bio family member who can only provide a minimal level of care. I hope the rest of your licensing and first placement goes well!
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Buying stuff is so exciting! Good luck!!
persimmon / 1436 posts
I don’t have any advice but I want to send well wishes to your family.
apricot / 428 posts
everything is so beautiful!!! love classic pooh. i love that you are already saying you will be heartbroken. being self aware is so key.
pomelo / 5866 posts
You are amazing! Thank you for fostering a child! It’s a rare and beautiful thing when loving people can provide in such a way.
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
I am a social worker and have worked with numerous parents whose children are in foster care. I admire what you are doing! where we are, a lot of children are in custody because their parents were unable to care for them due to their own addictions. One thing that might help you prepare for some of the challenges in dealing with biological families would be to read about and educate yourself on addiction, if it’s not something you are already familiar with.
Good luck!
blogger / grape / 92 posts
I think this is pretty much the most amazing thing ever. You are putting so much good in the world! Knowing that you need to get attached, even “overly attached”, is awesome. That baby is going to be so lucky to have both of you. It sounds like you are very prepared! I also find that minimal is better in the beginning, and then if you need more of something, you can find it later. Too much stuff can be very overwhelming.
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@tlynne: Thank you for the suggestions and for your experiences. I’m nervous but also really excited to get the show on the road.
@ChelseaRose: Thank you! I think we are as prepared as we can be for the heartbreak. @Alivoo01: It sure is!
@Finfan: Thank you!
@rosegold: @808love: @Mrs. Octopus: Thank you all for the support. It is incredible to have this virtual community behind us. We have a very supportive family, but other than that we don’t have a big local “village” in real life.
@Silva: Very good idea. Missus Turtle has a bit more personal experience with addiction in her family than I do. I should definitely do more reading. Any reading suggestions?
pomelo / 5084 posts
@Mrs. Turtle: Awww this is so exciting! YAY! I love that crib and the Winnie the Pooh stuff.
I would say the MOST helpful things we had for our DS (now 6 weeks) were “swaddle me” brand swaddles and a vibrating or swinging something (bouncer, rock and play, swing, 4moms rocker) to put him in during the day. Good luck and I can’t wait to read your updates!
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@wrkbrk: Thanks! I love the natural wood and the classic pooh stuff too. I forgot to mention we also picked up a rock and play! I figure we’ll start with that and get a bouncer or swing if needed. Our house is small with very minimal storage so I’m trying to restrain myself as much as possible! I don’t know what we’ll do when we start filling it with toys!
pomelo / 5621 posts
Sounds like you are well prepared. I’m really loving reading your story, thank you for sharing.
guest
I think a white noise machine (or cheap-o radio tuned to a non-station) will work wonders for a baby or child or any age… or adult. My husband swears by them!