Two sibling toddlers. They have a sad story. They need a good home without a lot of other kids, like their current foster home has. They need to go together. One of them might have some issues, behaviorally and cognitively. But they are just toddlers.

I can’t divulge many details on the internet, obviously. As we finish talking about our licensing, SW (our social worker) mentions that she has a few placements (kids) in mind for us if we are interested. Whoa. Reality check. Of course we are interested. Of course we want to hear about the kids.

So she tells us the story of these two little ones. Siblings, a boy and a girl. In many ways, it sounds like our ideal family structure. It even sounds like they may be likely to be headed towards adoption, although it’s still early so nobody knows for sure. They are in a foster home currently that has too many kids, and one of them has some behavioral issues that make it a challenging situation. Of course the story is sad. Our hearts tug. We avoid eye contact with each other. We tell SW that we will think about it and let her know ASAP. This is so much faster than we anticipated. SW tells us it’s not an emergency, they don’t need to be moved right away. The agency will probably move them sometime next week. No pressure, she says. Just let her know if we want to be considered by the county.

The way our private agency works is that they find families, train them, and do all of the leg work. However, the county is ultimately responsible for the kiddos though, so that office makes the final decision about each placement. If we say yes to this placement, our names and information will be given to the county office along with a couple of other possible foster homes, and the county will decide where the kids go.

After SW leaves, Missus Turtle and I are in shock. We spent a little bit of time staring at each other, speechless. Finally, we broach the subject of the two kids. I say, before we get too far, that I think we should probably not do it. I’m tempted, believe me. I’m still not sure we made the right decision. This is why we said no:

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We want a baby. This seems silly and selfish to me in many ways. These kids are young, very young. They’re not infants, but they’re awfully close. My original plan (haha, plan…) was to get pregnant, have a baby, and then have another about 1.5 to 2 years later. We aren’t young, and I figured two close together would be the way to go. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to talk Missus Turtle into this plan, as she was firmly in the “let’s see how one goes and then decide” camp.

I love babies. I’m really good with them. I have a lot of baby experience, starting with my own brother who is 10 years younger than I am. I did countless hours of babysitting in middle school, high school and college. I’ve worked as a nanny and in an infant/toddler room of a day care. I’m known in my family as the baby whisperer. No joke. They fall asleep on my shoulder almost every time I hold one. So giving up on having biological kids was one thing. But giving up on having a baby, having that experience from, if not birth, than at least within the first six months? I’m not ready to give up on that yet. Ask me again after we bring home our first newborn foster baby.

Behavioral challenges. This one is hard too. What sort of challenges are we willing to take on? How bad is this kid, really, or is it just the unfortunate, heartbreaking circumstances? From other foster parents we know that if the social worker says mild behavioral issues, expect major ones. We just aren’t quite prepared to take on unknown behavioral challenges in addition to a younger sibling with her own needs.

Two at once. This is common. We could do it if we had to. And we might decide to do it at some point. However, for our first placement we decided that it was just a little too much. We are not only willing, but in some ways hoping, for a sibling pair. What a benefit to have a biological sibling in the same family. The county does everything possible to keep siblings together. I’m just not sure we’re quite prepared at the moment for two at the same time.

The hardest part about saying no to these two was that we could have done it. We could decide that starting from infancy isn’t as much of a priority for us. We could handle behavioral challenges and possible cognitive deficiencies. We could handle two at once. None of the things that made us say no were deal breakers on their own. There are some things we are just simply not equipped to handle. This case wasn’t as black and white.

To be completely honest, I’m still struggling with this a little bit. In some ways, I think my reasons for not taking them are selfish. I tell myself that we said no because we wanted to be sure that we are the best option for the placement we do take, and I’m not sure we’re experienced enough for these two. I’m still wrestling with the conflicts between selfish desires for my own parenting experience and the desire to do good as a foster mom. I suppose I might continue wrestling with these issues for a while.