When we were licensed as foster parents, we were approved for two placement spots, one infant and one child. We have a twin bed in the nursery in addition to the crib, so we technically have room for two. We agreed to this mostly because we thought if there was a sibling pair that needed a home, we would at least consider taking two. After we took T in, both Missus Turtle and I had basically forgotten that we still had another open spot. A couple of weeks later, our social worker asked if we wanted to remain on their open list or if we wanted to close our home to new placements while T is with us. We agreed to stay on the list but told her that we were mostly interested in respite placements, not another long term placement right now.
Respite is short term relief for foster parents. Every foster family is entitled to a number of days each year of respite care. This basically means that if something comes up where you can’t take care of the child for a day or two, you can request that they go to another certified foster home for a short stay. It’s basically overnight babysitting. As I’ve mentioned before, our respite plan, should we ever want a night off, is my parents. They aren’t a certified foster home but they will be approved as alternate caregivers once they are background checked and fingerprinted. This way T will be able to stay with people who are familiar to him in a house that he already knows. If foster parents aren’t lucky enough to have generous relatives nearby, they have to rely on respite with other foster homes.
So this week we took in our first respite placement. And it’s breaking my heart. “K” is a beautiful 2 year old girl with light brown hair and big brown eyes. She has hearing deficits and wears a hearing aid, although she likes to play with it a lot so it is not working well at the moment. It’s hard to tell exactly how much she hears. We picked her up from her daycare program this afternoon and headed home, stopping for a brief walk at the park on the way home to enjoy the sunny, warm weather with T and one of our dogs. K’s been really easy, too easy I think. She’s agreeable, sweet and friendly. T is fascinated with her and she is very sweet with him. She doesn’t speak, so communication is challenging, but she is pretty good at nodding, shaking her head, pointing, and using other body language to get her point across. She hears some, so it is possible to ask her simple questions and get a response.
The part that is breaking my heart is the fact that when I look at K there is a depth to her eyes, a sadness, that I just can’t ignore. She didn’t seem concerned that a stranger picked her up from daycare. She didn’t even seem uncomfortable in our house. I get the feeling that walking into a new house with new people is far too familiar for her at her young age. She seems to have already learned to cope in these situations, not making eye contact, not causing a fuss. She is the quietest two year old I’ve ever met and I just don’t believe it is because she can’t communicate.
Bedtime was hard. We tag teamed to get both kids ready for bed around the same time. I gave K a bath while Missus Turtle got T into his nighttime diaper and PJs. T went down for Missus Turtle pretty quickly, as usual. I pulled the shades, read books, and went to tuck K into bed. That’s when her brave face finally gave out and she fell apart. As soon as she realized what I was up to, she jumped out of bed and ran to the door, attempting to climb the baby gate to get out. The look on her face was complete devastation. I felt like she knew this moment was coming and she wanted to do everything she could to avoid bedtime in another strange bed in another strange house.
I picked her up and she wrapped her arms and legs around me, sobbing into my shoulder. I turned on the nightlight that projects stars onto the ceiling. We sat on the bed together and she started using her leg to rock us on the bed. I took her lead and moved the glider from our room back into the nursery. We rocked for about 30 minutes as she calmed down. It took about another 30 minutes for her to settle in her bed enough for me to leave the room. So far, she has stayed in bed and I believe she is asleep.
I sit here at my computer struggling to put into words how I’m feeling about this whole situation. I feel stronger than ever that foster parenting is something we have to do. At the same time, my heart is just aching for this sweet little girl in the next room who is so overwhelmed and scared, and yet trying her heart out to be brave. No two year old should ever have to be so brave.
cantaloupe / 6634 posts
Thank you for sharing.
I am so sad that sweet K has had to be beyond her years. If you don’t mind sharing, are her foster parents hoping to adopt her?
nectarine / 2436 posts
My lord. That was very sad to read.
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
That breaks my heart.
pomelo / 5084 posts
nectarine / 2115 posts
This just breaks my heart.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
That is absolute sadness. I have a three year old, and the thought of another little one her age already being conditioned to act like that is heart-wrenching. I cannot image the circumstances that would lead to one so little accepting life with such resignation.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
That breaks my heart too, so so much.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
Oh that just breaks my heart. That poor girl.
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
Fostering is such hard work. That poor, sweet girl. Thank you for being there for her and T and any other children who enter your lives through foster care.
guest
Thank you so much for sharing and for opening your heart and house for these kids. Even if you only get to show them love for a day or two, you are making a huge impact!
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Ugh, this post just breaks my heart.
guest
I’m sitting at my computer at work just sobbing right now. I’ve been talking to my husband about becoming foster parents… thanks for sharing this story about K. I hope her forever home finds her soon.
guest
Wow, it’s great that you can do all this. I’m an emotional wreck just reading about it.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
Your posts have been really making me want to look into fostering as well, when Baby C gets a little older, and then stories like this both make me feel fantastic about the work and also worried that I may not have the emotional strength to handle the kind of sadness these poor kids are experiencing. Thank you for what you’re doing, it’s making such a huge difference.
cherry / 155 posts
Your pictures are beautiful, I love how she is holding your hands. I too am sobbing and my heart breaks for that little girl. Thank you again for sharing your story.
guest
I can’t begin to imagine what this little girl has been through. I have been on the fence as to whether I would pursue private adoption or foster to adopt and this post has confirmed that fostering to adopt is too important not to do. Thank you again for sharing,
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
I just can’t even right now and am crying at work. It breaks my heart to think of this little girl and many others like her. I’m not religious in the least and do not believe in God. But I do believe in a higher being. So, bless you and your Missus.
pear / 1521 posts
Thank you
guest
How was she when she woke up in the morning (in a strange space)? Did she cuddle again? Did she let you know how she was feeling? I have a 3 year old and I can’t imagine her being shuffled and how that must feel. My heart goes out to her and to you for the goodness that you are providing.
guest
I have an almost 3 year old daughter and I am sobbing imagining this poor little girl. I’m glad she is temporarily in your happy home and hope she can find a permanent home where she doesn’t always have to be brave.
pomelo / 5220 posts
That poor baby. Bless you and other foster parents who can provide some shelter from the storm that she’s been through. I hope life gets easier for her, it seems like it has been unfair so far.
pineapple / 12053 posts
Wow. That just rocked me. Thank you for what you are doing to help these kiddos in a time of hurt. Providing comfort and love to them has got to be so heart wrenching and so soulfilling at the same time.
pomelo / 5228 posts
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
Aww, thank you all! And I’m so sorry I made you all cry at work! There were sad moments, but in general it was great fun getting to know and spoil a sweet little girl. I think she will be a fantastic parent someday, maybe even a foster parent. Her favorite activity is caring for babies. Real babies, baby dolls, anything. She is meticulous and kind and extremely gentle. She adored Mr. T and was so sweet with him. I will write a follow up post about how she ended up doing the rest of the time, and how our second respite placement went over the weekend. Thank you all for all the kind words, it’s this encouragement that helps us push through the hard parts.
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: I want to encourage you to continue looking into it. It isn’t easy and there are big problems with the system, but these kids need dedicated foster parents so badly and the more people who do it and do a good job, the better the system will get and the better the kids will be served. Feel free to email me at mrsturtle81@gmail.com if you want to chat more about anything or ask any more specific questions.
grapefruit / 4717 posts
She is so lucky to have you.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
What a brave girl! I get similarly sad with how familiar D is with medical procedures and enduring pain. Its just not fair for little ones to have to go through so much
blogger / cherry / 174 posts
I can imagine how hard this is for your family, but the comfort and care you gave to her is amazing. Many babies with heart defects go into foster care. During our time in the hospital. we finally told the nurses we would call them if needed, so they could rock the babies and toddlers that didn’t have family there to care for them. It’s really heartbreaking to see these little ones not have a loving family.
guest
Thank you to you and the Missus for loving these kiddos so well, and to you for sharing your experience so eloquently. I can’t even imagine how difficult parts of this are, but your posts have made me seriously think about fostering in the future, something I had never previously considered. Sending thoughts for your little family.
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pomegranate / 3225 posts
Heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing and for all that you do.
GOLD / apricot / 341 posts
Oh Mama(s)! That was tough to read and must be heartbreaking to see. I have an almost 2-year old at home and it’s awful to think of someone so young having to live through that. It does give me hope though to read about your family and know that these kids also experience love and security, if only fleetingly…
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Oh man. No child should have to go from house to house. So glad you are providing her with a safe place, but I know it must break your hearts.
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@Mrs. Tiger: Oh yes I would imagine that is a similar feeling. Its so unfair, the cards some kids are dealt.
@Mrs. Smoothie: That must’ve been so hard. Its hard enough for kids in that situation with loving families.
grapefruit / 4361 posts
My friends with foster babies say they were the easiest babies in terms of going with other caregivers, being held by people they didn’t know, etc. Sad fact. But sleep issues seem to be a big norm. I imagine that in the families that eventually end up in foster care, the bio parents aren’t really regular about any kind of sleep routine.
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
guest
Oh, that is heartbreaking. Too sad. You guys are incredible, so amazing that you open your hearts and home to children in need. Beautiful to read of your kindness to her at bedtime x
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@simplyfelicity: Sorry I forgot to answer you! I have no idea what her story is or what her foster parents plan to do. I do know that she has visits at CPS with her bio family, so I’m assuming the plan is currently reunification (as it is for nearly all kids in foster care, especially those in foster care for a relatively short time period).
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@DesertDreams88: I’m sure that is true. Very sad that these young kids and babies have learned such a warped version of normal. I was amazed at how well both of the kids we had slept, actually. Maybe they were just exhausted.