Hellobee

Wow, hey y’all! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I just wanted to stop back by to check in and follow up with this whole blogging thing. This might be my last post for a while, maybe even forever. But I feel like I need some closure at least somewhere in my life right now, and a life update is as good a way as any, yeah?

So. Life. It’s been full of changes and transitions, good things and hard things. Firstly, I am now a business owner! I had been doing freelance design for a while, but as many who work with nonprofits know, the money is never stable, and things started looking shaky back in February. On a whim I talked to my neighbor about a building that had become available and asked to see it. I had originally thought about doing some sort of zero waste bulk grocery and supply store, but there’s not really a large market for it here yet and we have options in nearby towns already. But when my neighbor mentioned we could really use a coffee shop here by the other restaurants, my wheels started spinning, and the wheels just didn’t stop! I spent the rest of February scouring library books, building spreadsheets, and coming up with a business plan. I also did a whole lot of praying and soul searching to figure out what direction I needed my life to take. In the end I filed my paperwork in March, and had my first official opening day June 1st. It’s been a whirlwind, and a massive amount of work, which was why I pretty much poofed after January. I apologize about that, but I had so much going on, and my mental energy was used up everywhere else.

Now for that whole marriage/divorce thing. Well, it was pretty much on the same track. My lawyer was finally able to set a date at the end of summer once we knew there was no chance of me being pregnant anymore. Things were pretty much the same, with my spouse saying he loved me, and wanted to come home and make things work. However his actions were still decidedly different from those sentiments, and he wasn’t actually *doing* anything about it. Then Easter Sunday came, and I found the snapchat just before lunch. I think I had known about her the entire time, in my gut. He had a choice to make then, to come clean about everything or walk out forever. He came clean. He had been seeing someone. Sleeping with someone. And well, I took it rather hard, as I suppose many pregnant wives often do. And while I’ve heard it said that it shouldn’t “count as an affair” because we were separated, I can assure you, it very much still feels like one. And it’s extremely difficult. I spent months hearing that the single life wasn’t what he wanted, and then I told him the steps he could take to make it different, and instead of doing those things he decided to pursue other paths that ended up being extremely painful.

Life. Life is messy, and it’s hard, and it can still be very beautiful at the same time. I don’t want to say this has been the worst thing that’s happened to me, because some really amazing things have happened while my marriage shattered. I had an amazing community of women hold me up and support me when I had my low times. I had a new church community that has been beyond amazing and surrounded me in prayer and love and everything I ever could have needed. My family supported this crazy new, and rather sudden, dream to build something in my community that would be a pretty big financial risk. My kids have been the joy of my life, and this pregnancy has been the easiest I’ve ever had. I have so much to be thankful for, and I continue to count my blessings every single day.

Where are we going from here? Well I did request counseling from the start, and he found someone who has just been the perfect fit for our situation. I wasn’t sure how I could co-parent with someone who had been deceitful for months. With counseling we’ve been able to overcome so many barriers and talk about things in an honest way. He sold all his guns. Every last one. And did it happily. He said he finally realized that it was never about them (which I’m pretty sure basically everybody else already knew!). He has come over every single day. He has been there for the kids like he always should have been, and has some really raw moments when those hard truths come out about how his choices affected them. Kids are brutally honest, and well, they’ve certainly been honest with him in the way only 4 and 2 year olds can. He’s been lifting many of my physical burdens over my last trimester of pregnancy, which has been necessary while building all the parts of my shop, as well as caring for a five acre homestead. He realized all the burdens he laid on me when he left. And he’s working to ease them now.

So why am I sharing all this with the world wide web? While technically I’m anonymous, many of you have figured out my not-so-secret-identity. And I’m fine with that. I never wanted to link my name with my story not because I was ashamed of it, but because I didn’t want to have it officially tied to me in that way. I’m not ashamed of what has happened, because I realize that none of this was ever really about me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to stop it, and I know I tried everything I could while also setting healthy boundaries that I needed for myself and my children. It’s been extremely difficult, and sadly in speaking openly about it I’ve learned that I’m in no way alone in this experience. And that’s heartening while at the same time absolutely heartbreaking. So I’m talking about this because we’re not alone. And there isn’t any shame in being the one who was left, the one who was cheated on, the one who had to recover from all that betrayal.

What does this mean for my family? Well, I don’t really know yet. I know that he really wants to try, and I feel I owe it to myself and my children to let him. And since I don’t exactly have much of a choice anyway thanks to the state, it’s been nice to have some help again. He’s made some big efforts to actually make change. Selling his guns. Finally seeing a psychiatrist and receiving a diagnosis I had always been suspicious of, and being open to medication. Actually showing up. Having hard conversations. Going to weekly counseling and actually participating and following through. So things are happening. I don’t know what the outcome of those things will be, and I don’t know when I will know. I don’t know how I’ll figure out how to trust things again. I do know that I’m working on it, and getting professional help with it, and doing a whole lot of praying about it.

In the meantime, I’m getting into the swing of working full time, winding down on this pregnancy, and preparing to meet my little one this month. So many transitions. So much change. But change is growth. And I just wanted to let you all know that I really do appreciate all the kindness you’ve shown me while I’ve shared this experience with you. Thank you. There has been also a fair share of not-so-kindess, and with time and reflection I learned to let that go. It doesn’t matter. What matters now is my family, my business, this new life I’m building from the remains of the old one. So I’m making this my unofficial goodbye, and for those of you who know how to find me, I look forward to seeing you there while I continue the journey. Blogging just won’t be a part of it any longer. I wish everyone the best, and thank you so much for welcoming me here. So much love to all of you!

Mrs. Octopus