Ever since Jackson was about 18 months old, Mr. Garland and I get asked on a near-weekly basis when we plan to have another child.
Sometimes it’s from well-meaning friends and relatives who are genuinely curious. Other times, it’s from acquaintances and strangers who really have no business prodding into our personal decisions. No matter who it comes from, the questions can be annoying and exhausting – especially when our answers usually don’t line up with what people want to hear!
Our (very happy) little family of three
Mr. Garland and I both agree that eventually we would like to have another child. When we talk about our future we often reference “the kids,” and we are both on the same page about wanting Jackson to have a sibling.
However, we’re also both on the same page about something else: we don’t want another kid yet.
Jackson is at an incredibly fun age – he’s growing and learning at a rapid pace, he seems to change every single day, and we never get tired of hearing what’s going to come out of his mouth next. We love spending time with our little family of three, and the thought of adding another child into the mix at this point isn’t exciting to us – it’s stressful. We can’t imagine finding room in our hearts and our lives for another child right now and, while I know everyone says it just happens and you just do it….we don’t want to rush it. Once we decide to have another child Jackson will never again be an only child. He’ll have way less access to our undivided attention, and life as we know it will never be the same. That’s a huge decision to make, and when we’re only two years into this whole parenting gig, we just aren’t sure if we want to rock the boat that much right now.
In addition to that, daycare is pricey. I’m currently pursuing my options of being able to work from home, but it will be at least another year (if not more) before that becomes a reality, so that means that if we had another child we would end up paying more than our mortgage payment to daycare each and every month. That’s a lot of money to be losing out on! On top of that, leaving Jackson at daycare when he was merely seven weeks old nearly ripped me apart – I hated being away from him when he was that young and I can’t possibly fathom having to do that again.
So, for now, when people ask our answer is that we’re waiting until I can work from home before we talk about a second child. That answer is usually enough to satisfy people, and often leads us into a segway about how I’m working towards staying home, etc. – and suddenly our reproductive plans aren’t the topic of conversation anymore. But the truth of the matter is: we don’t know when we’ll want another. Maybe it will be next year, maybe it will be three more years. All we know is that right now we’re pretty satisfied with the way things are going and our family feels very complete. I’m sure someday that will change, but for now I don’t see us changing our minds anytime soon.
How did you decide that you were ready for a second? What do you tell people when they ask if you’re having more kids?
guest
Maybe I just have very polite friends and family but I have a toddler around your son’s age who’s our first and only so far and I’ve never been asked that question. Ever that I can think of. How strange. Also we are just barely starting ttc now.
guest
I have two boys – one is almost 3, and the second just turned 1 (they are 22 months apart). It was NOT the plan to have them so close together – I had difficult pregnancies, and premature babies who were hospitalized. So, I was very vehemently wanting 3-4 years between kids. Now that we’re in it, we’ve adjusted – but it still kills me that I can’t do things with the 3 year old (like swimming lessons or Mommy and Me playgroups) without having the 1 year old there. Although there are lots of activities that are fun to do as a family, there are also things I want to have the time and attention to do with individual children – and when they’re born so close together, that’s really hard. However, I have so many friends who are adamant about their kids being 2 years apart, and even now, we are being asked about when we’ll have a third. I know that I will do everything in my power to wait longer this time, so that I can give my younger child more of that ‘one-on-one” time when he’s a toddler and preschooler, especially once older kid is in school. Rushing isn’t worth it! Siblings will be friends if they have compatible personalities, regardless of whether they are 2, 3, or 5 years apart!!!
kiwi / 706 posts
My kids will be 4 years apart. We were one and done until my DD asked for a sibling for her 3rd birthday. Before that I always thought siblings should be 2 years apart or they won’t have close relationships. But now I think 4 years is good. DD will be in pre-k when the baby arrives, so she won’t be neglected when the baby will undoubtedly get a bit more attention.
pomelo / 5084 posts
I started getting asked that question when I was pregnant with our first (and only!)! People are idiots!
apricot / 370 posts
Oh the questions, we had lots of those from every direction, but it really didn’t bother me, I felt people just were curious and no harm was meant by it, but I can see where others can feel frustrated, so I know better not to ask. For me I guess I knew our answer was yeah, definitely 2, so yeah we’ll have the next one soon. My kids are 6 and 3 1/2, and since I had my 1st at 37, I really didn’t want to wait too much longer to have another, even though I did wish I had more time, if I was younger, I might have, as the thought of going from 1 to 2 just felt so overwhelming. But time was ticking for me and I had my 2nd one right after I turned 40. Those first 2 years with 2 were tough, trying to attend to 2 young children is not easy, but now, probably for the past 6 months especially, the 2 play together a lot and keep each other entertained, at home, on the road, it’s pretty nice. They bicker a lot too, but it’s nice they can play with each other. They can play in most of the same play groups and I’m excited that on the cruise we’re going to in the summer, they’ll both be able to go to the same kids club group together. Yes, the big downside is cost of childcare/school which adding the cost of the 2nd, just is killing our budget, so we’re looking forward to some of the costs being alleviated when the older one attends public school. I hear you on the family unit/dynamic changing from 1 to 2 kids, with the 1st one not having to not be the only one, there is certainly a sadness to that, it was a special bond with just 1 and you could pour all your time into 1 and it’s certainly tougher with 2, but I have to say, with 2, the bond is different, but it’s a very good different. There is nothing sweeter than seeing the 2 of them playing and squealing peals of laughter or whispering to each other and giggling at their own little conversations, it’s one of the best feelings, and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
pomegranate / 3393 posts
Right there with you! LO just turned 3 and we may or may not have another. When we point out to people that we’re thousands of miles from family and most friends and have been doing it all alone, they usually get why we’re not rushing for #2.
guest
ugh the same. Basically as soon as I had our daughter. I know it shouldn’t but it drove me crazy. I felt completely satisfied and fulfilled with one child so the question felt like an implication that I shouldn’t be. I also knew that people were just being conversational. But I just think it’s rude if you’re not close friends or family, you never know what someone is going through to have kids. Anyways, we did decide we were ready for a second and we’re expecting now
Our first will be 3.5 when she’s born and I feel like that’s a manageable spread for our family. Hattie is extremely excited and so are we!
You’re ready when you’re ready.. Even if that means being ready to not go again.
pomelo / 5621 posts
@MoonMoon: This is us exactly. DS is 3 and we have no family nearby. We both work and the thought of another is exhausting.
We do want another but don’t have a solid plan. I have recently stopped using birth control, so it may happen one of these months. But honestly, I wouldn’t be sad if it didn’t happen until the end of the year.
I love the spot were our family of 3 is right now.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
We have two 21 months apart. Our oldest is 3 and the youngest is 1. We always had a plan that we wanted our kids to be under 2 years apart, since that’s what we were both used to growing up and we liked being so close in age to our siblings, so it was always THE PLAN. When my oldest was 6 months, neither of us were super excited about having another, but I went off birth control anyway so we could stick to THE PLAN. It was definitely hard and trying, but I don’t regret it at all. And now that my boys are a little older, I’m sooooo glad we didn’t wait! I love that they are both into the same things and can really play together well.
pomelo / 5220 posts
Right there with ya! We have a 22 month old and daycare is expensive, my husband works a lot and life is very busy. We definitely want to give LO a sibling but we are just waiting a bit longer and enjoying the fun age he is in now. Plus I wanted some time to just have my body be mine – no pregnancy, no nursing, no pumping…
guest
We just had our second son in April and our first son will turn 3 in July. It’s a lot harder taking care of a newborn with a toddler that doesn’t understand why all your attention isn’t on him. We are already getting questions if we are going to try for a girl and there baby isn’t even 2 months yet!
guest
I’m with you! Our son turned 2 in April, and it was really hard to answer the questions — particularly because my husband doesn’t want another and I do, so it’s a touch subject in our household. When my sister got married in February, I got asked 5 times before dinner when we were having another one! It doesn’t help that the majority of the people who had a baby the same time as me are now on number two.
DH and I recently had a conversation in which we decided that we ARE going to have a second, but I am nowhere near ready for a second. Work, time, money all factor into it. I think I’ll be closer to being ready as DS nears closer to four.