Hellobee

Last month, Will became a terror. Sorry, I mean a full blown toddler.  (Wait, same thing. Ha!) I looked at my partner and told him to quickly review the queue of parenting books I’d researched and wish-listed on Amazon and choose one because we needed to get on the same page with this whole ‘raising a two-year-old’ business.

This is how we tend to parent.  I like to have some knowledge, but not too much, have one more or less ‘approach’ and then take things as they come.  I’ve realized there are several things at play impacting my approach to parenting, and I find it intriguing building my self-awareness in this area.  I’m beginning to dive into which of these is having the largest impact currently – and whether I think that’s a good thing, or it ought to change!

Reading/printed material/research

• Ideal: I get to choose what to read! I can do research to find my desired research, which feeds my data-loving, narrative non-fiction soul. I can read one article or thirty, ten books or half of one and feed my reading-to-learn-how-to-parent desires.
• Not ideal: It’s time-consuming! Some research/writing is just crap. There are so many conflicting opinions and data points.
• How I navigate this: As noted above, Mr. M and I have decided to choose one or two books as our ‘go-to’ to get us on the same page for how we hope to respond to future and current challenges and opportunities.  I try not to over-Google and if I read something interesting, shoot it to Mr. M and we may or may not discuss it. I also print some fun one pagers and have put them on our fridge, ha!

Our pediatrician

• Ideal: I get one voice telling me one thing, based on experience with his own children and his medical degree. And, he knows our kid, since he has seen him literally since day one.  His advice has been spot-on before.  He pulls out important/not important and helps me spot the good things to encourage on top of potential challenges, which I love.
• Not ideal: I’ve disagreed with his advice before, so my ‘trust my gut’ side battles with my ‘trust the person who went to school for this stuff’ side.
• How I navigate this: I trust my pediatrician.  I ask his advice, repeat it to ensure I understand and I give it a whole hearted go.  I also bring my ideas to him, asking him how or if it jives with his beliefs, and try to come to a common ground I can fully invest myself in, and get my partner invested in, too!

My parenting style definitely involves letting this kiddo take risks…including climbing the rope ladder meant for kids twice his age, despite my palpitating heart!

Parenting websites

• Ideal: Easy to access and full of ideas, people, and practical experience.  I can search topics, phrases, or issues and get instant advice.  I can access it nearly anywhere and this ish is free.
• Not ideal: Lots of people and ideas = conflicting advice and a slightly overwhelming number of options if I need to overcome a challenge or have a question.
• How I navigate this: I tend to like all the advice, and I will read lots until I find common trends that resonate with either a) my gut, b) my experience, c) my pediatrician/parenting book or d) my desperation, then I implement along the major themes.

How I was raised

• Ideal: I have first-hand knowledge of how it might turn out and what it feels like on the receiving end.  I have people I can ask who did it, and they sometimes remember their reasoning and rationale.
• Not ideal: I don’t remember how my parents handled my tantrums; I only have their imperfect memory.  I don’t love everything about my childhood (who does?) but I also wonder… was it how I was raised (nurture) or how I would have been anyway (nature)?
• How I navigate this: I probably default to responding in the same way my parents did without even realizing it.  I can accept this, but Mr. M and I also tend to LOVE having in-depth discussions in the car analyzing our lives, experiences, beliefs, tendencies and coming to the same page with ways to move forward.  This has helped us uncover things we like that our parents did and that we hope to replicate and things we don’t; it’s helped us be thoughtful about pulling the best from our childhoods to hopefully bring to our son’s.

How I see children being raised

• Ideal: I love to people watch.  I have many written reflections on how I saw children being raised when we lived in Cambodia, and I have enjoyed learning from watching my friends parent their kiddos. I get to see exactly how a parent says something, does something, responds in the moment to something awesome or terrible.  I can ask follow-up questions!
• Not ideal: Pulling ideas from other cultures, or trying to emulate something my parent friends do can feel and be inauthentic.  Authenticity is pretty critical to parenting, and to feeling good about it!
• How I navigate this: I often note something I like, try it out, and evaluate whether it felt ‘right’ and led to the desired results.  I tend to let myself try something at least twice before I rule it out, which allows me to ask questions from others between the first and sub sequential times!

My automatic responses / beliefs/ reactions

• Ideal: I parent from my gut.  I make decisions and respond in ways that are completely in line with my default mode and thinking.  I’m consistent, so Will develops a deep understanding of how I’ll respond and behaves accordingly. I parent from my values – encourage kindness above all else, say yes whenever possible, let my kid work out life on his own/take risks, and support all learning.
• Not ideal: I’m not perfect.  My automatic response is sometimes flat wrong. Will doesn’t learn or change or grow if I’m wrong, so consistency has the opposite result I was hoping for.  It’s also incredibly hard for my co-parent/spouse to engage in this approach with me because it’s mine and mine alone! I’m hard on myself when I don’t respond how I want to/think I should.
• How I navigate this: I try to proactively work out how I want to respond before something happens.  I can’t possibly consider all the options, so I will pay close attention to a) how Will responds, b) how I feel after I react and c) whether my response was in line with my parenting values.

Watching my partner parent

• Ideal: My spouse parents in a way that is amazing and I learn something! His response is completely in line with what I was narrating in my head and we’re totes on the same page. We are consistent, so when our almost-two-year-old tries something with him and gets a reaction, he gets the same one from me when he inevitably comes to try it with me.
• Not ideal: I completely disagree with his approach. I don’t feel like he is doing what we agreed.  I don’t give him the grace I give all of the other methods because I hold him to a high standard.
• How I navigate this: I breathe before I even consider offering any feedback to his parenting.  We work to get on the same page first.  If I do say something, I try to do it in a positively constructed way that references that approach we agreed to, and not my ‘feelings.’

There are so many (too many?) places to source when determining our approach to parenting! Looking over my analysis, I’d like to consider beginning our proactive approach planning by really nailing down our parenting values, and grounding our conversation in those.  I think that would help us read books, websites, etc. through a shared lens, and give us a common starting point when we realize we need to adjust or change in the moment.

What has had the largest impact on your parenting approach? Have you made adjustments over time?