I have the saddest of news to share. Despite an uneventful and healthy pregnancy my water unexpectedly broke at 19w5d. This meant I had Pre-term Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM). So, our baby was no longer surrounded by amniotic fluid, and doctors gave us a very poor prognosis. We were told that the baby would have a 50% chance of survival at the very most, and that if she did survive, she would most likely be born very, very early and have significant health issues. I was still a month away from reaching the age of viability of 24 weeks (the possibility of survival in the NICU), so we decided I would do bedrest at home to try to keep the baby in until that point, or even longer. I did end up staying in the hospital for 48 hours for IV anti-biotics one day after PPROM since that has been shown to help with survival rates.

At an 18-wk ultrasound 2 weeks earlier we were told there was a 90% chance that the baby was a girl, so we named her Miriam Anne. Miriam means strong willed, which we prayed she would be to make it through this. Miriam was also the first psalmist in Israel, praising God after being delivered from death at the Red Sea. And Anne is a family name on both sides of our families meaning “God has favored me.” This little girl’s life was a miracle to us already after 5.5 years of infertility, so we prayed she would continue to live up to her name.

Miriam at our last ultrasound
Miriam at our last ultrasound

Unfortunately, 10 days later, on August 26th, I went into labor and we rushed to the hospital at just 21w1d, weeks before the age of viability. It was so traumatic, not only because I had never been in labor before or even had a chance to take a childbirth class, and didn’t know what to expect, but mostly because we knew I would be delivering a baby that would not survive.

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It was certainly the hardest thing I have ever done, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. We were able to hold her and take photos of her and those hours will always be both precious and heartbreaking to us. We had a private funeral service for our beloved Miriam Anne one week later.

We are obviously deeply grieving the loss of this much loved and long waited for child. It doesn’t make any sense. She was a healthy baby without any genetic issues and the MFM specialist we saw could only tell us this was bad luck. A fluke. But, of course, I feel like my body failed her. It all still seems like an impossible, horrible nightmare. After years of infertility, how could we get so close to having a biological child only to have her die? It seems too sad to be true.

We are grieving, but surviving, in large part due to the support of our family and friends. We have felt very loved and supported during the past two weeks. And our faith is giving us the hope that Miriam is in heaven being loved and cared for by Jesus, and that we will see her and hold her again one day.

But, that doesn’t take the grief away. Nothing could have prepared for losing our daughter. Mr. Piñata and I talk and cry a lot. We have started counseling. We are more grateful than ever for our two living, precious and miraculous children, who keep us busy and make us smile every day. We are grateful for each other and the ability we have to grieve with each other. We are taking it one step at a time and are thankful when we have made it through each day. We love and miss Miriam so much and know we will every day of our lives.