Hellobee

When I had M in November 2013, it was an unplanned Cesarean that came after 60 hours of labour, during which I walked around for days with back labour, tried demerol and morphine for pain relief, received a pitocin drip and fentanyl (never again!) and ultimately stalled out around seven centimetres dilated with a baby who would not turn face down nor tuck her chin. By the time I went into the OR I was thoroughly exhausted, drugged, and sore, and my recovery was quite rough as a result. I always felt like I was playing catch-up with sleep and physical strength, having thoroughly depleted my resources throughout labour, and I don’t think I felt much like myself for months.

With A, in November 2016, I walked myself into the OR after a decent night of sleep, and despite the limitations of our cramped shared hospital space I was up and moving a lot sooner, feeling very alert, with less overall pain. I’ve had a much better recovery thus far, which goes along with what I’ve heard from basically everyone I know who has had a planned C-section: while the recovery may be different from a vaginal birth, it’s a heck of a lot better than finding yourself in the operating room after an exhausting labour (and I didn’t even get to the pushing stage with M; I can’t imagine how much more tiring that would be!).

There are a few key differences I’ve noticed in my recovery, that I want to share — going into this planned Cesarean I was really worried about how it would compare, remembering how awful things were in the days and weeks after my first experience.

The First Day

Unplanned C-section: After the operation I barely remember being in recovery aside from begging the nurses to please get me out of there and take me back to the maternity ward. I was intensely groggy and exhausted and crashed to sleep nearly the moment we were situated in our postpartum room. I woke up the next day feeling pain in almost every part of my body. My chest hurt from breathing deeply in and out for hours on end, my legs hurt from walking so much, my incision obviously hurt. The ward was busy and it took several hours for someone to come take out my catheter, so it was in for at least 12 hours. It was a huge effort to get out of bed to use the bathroom.

Planned C-section: I was tired as soon as they took A out, and in recovery, thanks to surgery meds and hormones, but I perked up after an hour or so in the recovery room. It was around noon when we were moved to a postpartum room and I could already move my body in small ways, and wiggled myself onto my hospital bed when I was transferred. The pain didn’t really kick in until several hours later, and only my incision hurt. The recovery nurse took my catheter out shortly after the operation, and I used the bathroom that evening (though I was very shaky and sore getting up).

The Incision

Unplanned C-section: The med student who was assisting in the operation chose to close the incision with staples, which seems to be the popular choice in our particular hospital. She did a fantastic job — even when I went in for my second Cesarean the medical team commented on what a great scar it was! — but man, staples are a pain. I believe I had them out somewhere around day six, and until then, the tugging and burning were awful. I couldn’t sleep well because I was scared to lie down in any configuration other than flat on my back, and I felt like I couldn’t stand up straight until they were out.

Planned C-section: The medical team in Winnipeg opted for dissolving stitches. It’s not as pretty, but it really allowed me much more movement, and more comfort. After the initial raw pain went away within the first few days, I’ve been able to move around easily, and was back to sleeping on my side and even on my stomach a few days after we got back home. I will say, however, that I had an uptick in pain this time around two weeks out, which resulted in a trip to see a doctor who determined that nothing felt physically wrong with the area, and a blood draw that showed normal levels of everything. He figured it was just a minor setback, and that it’d be feeling better within a few days, but I don’t remember the waxing and waning pain so much with my first surgery.

Energy Levels

Unplanned C-section: I was a zombie for a long time. I was in too much pain and too anxious to sleep for the first several days, and when I was awake I sort of felt like I had something to prove and pushed myself way too hard. I also didn’t have anyone around — Mac Daddy had to go back to work early — so I was on my own. I still clearly remember him leaving for work the first day and feeling so alone and scared, still barely able to get myself off of the couch without help.

Planned C-section: Having a toddler kind of forced me into being a bit more with it this time, but I also felt more rested from the get-go even though A is not the best sleeper. My mom and her partner were around for about a week and a half, giving me a good head start on recovery, and I ultimately ended up sending Mac Daddy back to work before his scheduled time off was up! I’ve been doing better with letting myself rest this time around, too, recognizing that I don’t have to accomplish a whole lot in these early days aside from keeping baby and me comfortable, fed, and alive.

Emotional Well-Being

Unplanned C-section: I had a hard, hard time coming to terms with the surgery and how it differed from my original (albeit loose) plan. I felt blindsided, and struggled with regret, anxiety, and the feeling that I wasn’t being a good mom because I physically couldn’t handle a lot of the typical new mom tasks like diaper changing and springing up to soothe the baby. It took several months for me to feel confident in my role as mother, and to stop worrying about whether or not I had bonded with M.

Planned C-section: First off, I’m already medicated for anxiety following our year of loss — while I technically am able to consider tapering off this January, I don’t feel inclined to shake things up. I suspect that’s helping me keep on an even keel. But regardless, I feel much more calm, and that calm is something even the nurses in Winnipeg noted. I, of course, have my moments of fear, frustration, weepiness — usually in the wee hours when I’m just so damn tired — but I already have the confidence that I am doing okay. That’s probably more attributable to being a second-time mom than having a planned Cesarean, but with it being planned I have totally owned my birth story this time around and have zero problem with having had surgery. I don’t have those feelings of regret or failure at all, and don’t feel like I need to say or do certain things to prove that I’m really a mom. Being able to plan out the surgery allowed me to take ownership of my options and my choices and I don’t have that hanging sense of shame that I should have never felt in the first place, in retrospect.

Overall, my recovery this time has been amazing compared to the first Cesarean, and I am feeling so much better in nearly every realm. Truthfully, aside from this recent spike of incision pain, the only thing that has been more difficult this time around is dealing with digestive issues — whether it’s the different meds I’m on or just my body being weird, my whole system slowed down a lot more the second time around and it’s  been harder to get back on track in that regard.

But aside from that? I feel now, around a month out, like I did several months out with M. I’m doing a better job of listening to my body and mind and respecting my limitations, and I’m also moving, eating, and taking care of myself as needed. It’s like night and day. My incessant night sweats finally went away recently, I’ve all but discontinued the pain meds, and I’m doing alright.

Many women I know who had elective/repeat C-sections for subsequent births told me that this would happen, and now that I’m on the other side I’ll add my voice to that chorus. It’s been a far better experience! It’s also allowed me to forgive my body, as hokey as that may sound, for my first experience. I now know that I am capable of healing, and that my body is strong, and that I am emotionally and mentally able to manage newbornhood — it’s just that a lot of it has to do with circumstance, and my first set of circumstances weren’t quite as favourable as they were, this time.

If you had a repeat Cesarean, what was your experience like?