I was newly single, pushing 30 and ready for a break from my workaholic, travel 3 weeks a month lifestyle when I decided it was time to start a family. Fueled by cherished memories of my childhood golden retriever, I submitted an application to a rescue organization and let them know I was in no rush, and was glad to adopt any dog, even a senior. In just a few short weeks, much to my surprise, I was matched with Lizzie, a beautiful, redheaded 6 month old puppy girl. We quickly became inseparable. She taught me how to be selfless and loyal (I was a somewhat fickle twenty-something at the time), and without a doubt prepared me for motherhood over the next 10 years.
She had her puppy spirit and energy for all of her 12 years, but just a few months ago she slowed down and had some serious skin issues that just kept getting worse, despite treatment. She stopped eating. She was in pain. Long story short, we got a Lymphoma diagnosis with a very poor prognosis, and we made the awful decision to help her pass. We decided to do it at home on a Monday, and gave her pain meds and steroids so that she felt ok while we spent one last weekend loving on her.
This probably sounds very familiar to those of you with fur babies that you have loved and lost. I had been here before and it’s never easy. This was especially hard for me because Lizzie had been with me through so much, and I really felt like I was losing part of me. But what also made this experience so much worse this time around was that we have H, who has loved Lizzie since day one, and who was a very big part of her daily life. I grieved for myself, but I also grieved for H. I also quickly realized how unprepared I was for talking about this with a very smart, very vocal toddler. I got busy online and came up with a plan.
Here are my 3 tips for making it through this difficult time:
Call on your village. These beings occupy our hearts and our lives, and we care for them like our human children. Having some like-minded dog lover mom friends, I asked a lot of favors during this time. We did extra play dates so that I could sit and cry and not worry about upsetting H. I let Lizzie’s toddler friends come (gently) entertain and pet her in the last few days. Toddlers are resilient and loving, and it’s hard to be sad in their presence. And the best help I got from my village? My best mom friend scooped up Harlow on the day that we put Lizzie to sleep so that Jude and I could be alone with her in the moment and not have any worries. I knew Harlow wasn’t ready for that experience, and I knew that I needed no distractions as I said goodbye to Lizzie.
Use honest words and no euphemisms. I am so glad I read these tips. For example, telling a child that a dog had to be “put to sleep” could make for a fearful child. That euphemism is much too scary when literal. I also even tried to avoid using “sick,” since I didn’t want her to think being sick means dying. We are not a religious family, so I didn’t use the term “heaven” because I knew she wasn’t familiar with it. I wasn’t sure how H would react in general, and I let her come to me and didn’t give extraneous information. Lizzie left us on a Monday and it wasn’t until Thursday morning that H looked at me and said, “Mommy, where’s Wizzie?” Of course, I started to cry, but I let her see me cry and I told her that Lizzie died on Monday and that meant that she wasn’t going to be here with us anymore, and that I was so sad about it. She paused, looked down and said, “Me too.” It was such a magical, healing moment for me. She understood as much as she was able, and I got to explain to her why I was sad. She went on about the day with no more mention of it, in true toddler fashion.
Don’t forget about self-care for all of you. She may not have been able to express it in words, but I know H felt the loss, and she definitely felt my sadness. We spent the week looking at pictures and videos of Lizzie and “tiny H” and we watched “The Secret Life of Pets” on Netflix. We had dinner with friends. We took lots of trips to the park. When I felt like a mess, I threw H in the stroller and we walked until I felt better. I spent my nights writing her eulogy and talking to friends that knew her.
I’ve definitely had moments in the last couple weeks where I think we just can’t have more dogs because losing them hurts too much. But then I come across pictures like this, and I know that they joy they bring us is worth the pain when we lose them.
bananas / 9229 posts
Hugs. I have a 10 year old dog and an almost 2 year old daughter and I really fear this day. She is obsessed with dogs and I just know it’s gonna be rough. Thanks for sharing your tips for coping. And hugs
pear / 1849 posts
Our cat died when my son was 3. He didn’t understand enough to be “upset” the way we were at the time, but he certainly felt the loss and still brings it up sometimes a year and a half later. We let him choose a cat toy to keep as his and he still sleeps with it every night.
clementine / 911 posts
This is really timely for me. I have a 16 year old dog whose health is declining and a 21 month old daughter.
We also have a 10 year old dog who she’s closer to and plays with more. But when his time comes, she’s going to be old enough to feel that loss more.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. My beloved Mason, my basset hound, died in 2014. I actually found out that he would need to be put to sleep the same day I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was crazy. My daughter was only 9 months old so she didn’t really have any clue why I was upset or what was happening. But, even now she talks about Mason and what a good dog he was.
It’s hard for a lot of people to understand what losing a pet is like, and especially to understand how devastating it can be when it was that special pet that you have a unique bond with. I’m so sorry for your loss.
apricot / 317 posts
I’m sorry for your loss. We just lost one of our dogs the day before yesterday. He was 16. The vet’s best guess is that he had a massive stroke, and we made a decision to end his suffering. DS1 is older than your H (he’s 6) and was devastated, but he was comforted knowing that I was with Bear the whole time that the vet was tending to him, and held and petted him, and that he was never alone. I completely agree with never saying “putting an animal to sleep.” This is incredibly important because sometimes kids have to be sedated for medical or dental treatments, or they might even be afraid to go to bed at night! We’re very gently factual – and fairly technical – with how we talk about this at home.
guest
Great post. We lost our dog when my son was 2.5. We did a lot of these suggestions and I think they were all helpful. But the one I struggled with was avoiding discussion of sickness. I understand the reasons for it, but it made it tricky when he was asking WHY she died. Plus it was the truth. So I ended up going with it, but emphasized that not all types of sickness cause death, that kind of thing; that seemed to work well for us.
guest
So sorry for your loss – hugs. This is a great post with really useful information. When the time comes to have to say goodbye to our dog, I know I will be a mess. She’s only 6 but such an important part of our family.
olive / 59 posts
Thank you for this. We just had our 10 year old dog put down this morning after a short battle with lymphoma. My 4 year old seems to have a grasp on the situation (his Nana died when he was a toddler, my parents’ dog died in January, and my sister’s cat died in December) but is acting out because he can’t express his sorrow that his beloved dog is gone. We are a religious family so we have said that they’re all in Heaven. My almost 2 year old doesn’t seem to have an idea of what’s going on other than his doggie isn’t here anymore. I’ve been crying all day and I don’t care that the boys see me cry. Sigh. Losing pets is so hard. A lot of people don’t understand that they’re like children too. I’m sorry for your loss.