I first shared about potty training my oldest son in this post. And then I talked about it again a few months later. Well, it’s been 11 months, almost one full year since we started, and I’d say we are only now able to declare success and that success is still about 85% of the time. I’ve been told many times that every difficult aspect of parenting is just phase that will eventually pass. I heartily agree with this statement, and it normally brings me great comfort, but this has been one of the most challenging phases I’ve experienced and one I shall NEVER forget.

Ultimately the only thing that helped us get from point A to point B was TIME. Our 3 year old was simply not ready to potty train when we started him. Looking back I wish we would have abandoned ship early on, but we felt torn because everything we’d read said not to go backwards, we knew he was starting preschool soon, and we knew he understood the concept. We knew this because our son was choosing to go in the toilet every once in a while when it was convenient and/or benefited him. For a short time at the beginning, I might even say we were mildly successful with potty training. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, be it emotional, mental, or behavioral, our child would not use the bathroom on his own. He did not care about soiling his underwear, and basically stopped all progress for many, many months. I lost track of how many times we tried sticker charts, treats, toys, and other bribes. We’d have a couple of good days only to lose momentum after he achieved his goal.

I tried to be positive for most of the year, but I was constantly feeling defeated. I don’t know how many times I had to (or at least tried to) hide my tears of frustration while texting my husband, “That’s it! We’re putting him back in diapers! I can’t do this anymore!” For a time there, the quality of my day was based on how many times I had to clean poop from my preschooler’s clothing. I soon learned my limit was 1 time, and that by the second or third time I could barely keep it together. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement. On average we went through 4 to 8 pairs of underwear a day.

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Yet, I could not shame my child. So I’d remind myself that he wasn’t doing this to hurt me, and that he really couldn’t help it. While we knew that technically he understood the concept, we also learned early on that constipation is a very real hurdle in potty training for lots of children. The muscles contract to hold in the poop usually due to fear (of not making it to the potty or not wanting to stop playing), and then a little pee squeezes out because of the pressure. Our pediatrician said it was likely that all of his pee accidents were happening due to his struggle with pooping. Just because a child goes number two almost daily does NOT mean they are not constipated. That was eye-opening for me! I thought frequency meant regularity but it’s also about consistency and amount (such a fun image, huh?).

I do have a few practical tips that helped guide us to our success. The two things our pediatrican suggested were Miralax and sitting on the potty post meals. I know we tried both of these things with our son separately and earlier on, but it wasn’t until after he turned 3.5 and we put both concepts together that we yielded the most consecutive successful days in a row. We found half a cap full of Miralax in his milk or water at dinner, and sitting on the potty for 10-15 min 3 times a day after meals worked for our child. We’re now at a point where we can skip Miralax once in a while and we don’t have to be as strict with sitting on the potty after meals because he is finally telling us when he has to go to the bathroom. Yay!

Truthfully, some days are still difficult. He waits until the last possible second and if he is having a really great time playing he still won’t stop to go. I know when a child does have an accident the parent is supposed to refrain from showing any emotion in their response but that doesn’t mean there weren’t plenty of times I did show an emotional response! However, when I do look back on this process I try to give myself grace and remember that I was just doing my best at the time. No matter how frustrated I was, my son always knew that I loved him fiercely, and nothing could change that. I like to think we did a decent job of letting him know that he shouldn’t feel ashamed, because just a few weeks ago at Grandma’s house, our son had an accident and as Grandma cleaned him up, he told her “I had an accident but it’s OK to have accidents.”

Thankfully my younger son can be in diapers for quite a while longer, which means a potty training free summer in my future! I will definitely enjoy the break before I have to enter this phase again.

Did your child take a bit longer to potty train?