I am turning 36 this year and while it doesn’t scare me, I do feel differently about how I am choosing my path in life. Last year when I turned 35, I had a peculiar reaction. For the first time, I felt kind of old. Maybe it’s because I work with college students so I am increasing the gap between me and them each year, and 35 seems like an old person when you are 22. Or maybe it’s just because my mind set has changed a little.
I’ve always wanted a St. Bernard dog. I had them growing up and I loved each of them. Mr. Cereal is not huge on dogs, and certainly not on a behemoth of a dog like a St. Bernard, but when I think about the possibility of not having one in my future, I freak out a little. We only have this one life (or more, depending on your philosophical beliefs) and I hate thinking about how these decisions I am making now could be the last time I am making them. The St. Bernard one is a simple example, but the ideas get huge if I let them.
One of the things I worry about most is not experiencing the things that I always thought I would. Part of the reasoning before was that we would wait until we had the funds to be able to experience some of the things we couldn’t previously afford. But now that we are finally (thank goodness) in a financial position that allows for us to start to do some of these things, I can’t stop thinking about each little decision we (I) make now. You know how when you are young, you think, “I can get to that later” and the reality is that you probably can. For me, that doesn’t feel like it exists now. I want to do things NOW and not wait anymore.
This has resulted in a few changes for me, and for my family. One is that I am starting my Ed.D., which is a doctorate in education, specifically in higher education. I’ve been contemplating this since I finished my masters degree, and the time seems right. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I want to be accomplishing the things I always thought I would do in my future. Another change is that I am starting to try the things I thought I would have plenty of time to do. These are generally simple things, like giving into my love of baking, puzzles, and archery. These are all things I had pushed to the backburner, thinking I would have time for them later, but later is now.
Ever since I became a parent, I saw time slipping by. It goes so fast and I love almost all of it. I feel like being a parent has given me a level of confidence that I just did not possess before. There is something so powerful about raising another human and the amount of pressure that goes along with that. Sometimes that pressure is crushing, debilitating. But other times, it makes me feel powerful, accomplished, even proud of myself. For years I struggled with a serious case of impostor syndrome. And while that still exists, I am also pushing myself to believe that I have earned the things I have accomplished. I do work hard, I do value the time I have put in and I can see the rewards starting to trickle in.
It is so incredibly hard being a parent, getting older, being a grown-up. There are a million hurdles and struggles everyday. But there are also a ton of amazing positive moments that can help us get through the crappy days. The days that make us want to quit. So here I am, telling you not to quit. That being an adult sucks sometimes, but you are doing a great job! You really are.
guest
So true, and way to go mama! I am turning 35 this year and as the girls get older, I def feel the pressure of TIME more than ever. I guess I’m trying to have a balance between always having FOMO, and just enjoying life as it is!
clementine / 830 posts
I love this! Carpe diem. It is hard to know when it’s right to tell yourself this is just a phase of life where you’re managing your children and may not have time to do everything else, and when to just say to heck with it and jump into things you might have been putting off.
blogger / kiwi / 588 posts
I, too, am turning 36 this year and work with college students. It’s something about working with a group that seems to never age that makes me feel a lot older now. I totally agree with you on taking advantage of the time now that you have it. I am trying to do that same now that I feel my age creeping up on me!
clementine / 830 posts
Also, I’m 36 too but work with a ton of people in the range of 50 so I still feel like I’m young. It’s all about perspective : )
grapefruit / 4466 posts
I am around the same age and hear you. It’s crazy that it’s been nearly 15 years since I was in college… This post is super inspirational!
I think I need to have a little more of your mindset. Lately it’s been a lot of survival and trying not to fall off the back of the treadmill when balancing work with a one year old who’s been constantly sick and sleeping poorly. The biggest thing I worry about in terms of things I’d like in life that might not happen is that things won’t work out with having another kid. But that’s something I can’t control and I don’t want the worry to be as all-consuming as it felt like when we were ttc’ing for our first.