Hellobee

On October 12th, I filed for divorce. This was a long time coming, but the end was abrupt and traumatizing. My (soon to be ex) husband had been changing for years. He went from kind and fun to sullen and mean. I kept trying to do more, to be more, to achieve more in the hopes that he would notice and be proud of me. But what actually happened is that he resented my success and felt like I was doing it to put him down. It was insane how different our views of our lives looked and how different we viewed our need for growth.

When we got together 12 years ago, I thought that Mr. Cereal was funny and sweet and super smart, and he WAS. He was great for the first four years or so of our relationship. When LeLe was born, he was so into her and loved her so much. But by the time Little Bug was born, there was a significant shift in how he interacted with me and the kids. I was exhausted all the time because Little Bug never slept, and he was not helping in a way that I needed. I was not able to communicate what I actually needed from him, other than to say that I needed more help and more sleep. This shift from a team to individuals really began to emerge during Little Bug’s first year. By year 7 of our marriage, I was struggling and it got way worse with my second pregnancy loss.

I knew I always wanted 3 kids. I came from a family of four kids and I loved having a big family. I was ready once Little Bug was almost two to start trying again, but Mr. Cereal was 100% against a third baby. We accidentally got pregnant when I switched birth control methods. I felt like this was a sign, one that the universe was telling me that a third child was supposed to be a part of our family. When I told Mr. Cereal, he responded by telling me that if he had a choice, he would choose for me NOT to be pregnant. Two days later I miscarried and it was beyond devastating. I was alone in my grief and that simple comment from him compounded my grief in a really powerful and awful way.

From that point forward, I started investing in my career to ensure that we were in a place financially that would remain comfortable. Mr. Cereal never had jobs that were financially stable, but I planned around this and was able to build up my career so that it didn’t matter. I carried the insurance through my job, so he was able to take positions in brewing that worked for him and I was proud of him. It was fun being the brewer’s wife, until it wasn’t. I was the person who took off every no school day, every sick kid day, and all of my free days were with the kids doing errands, etc. I scheduled all appointments, all meetings related to school, and I was navigating my daughter’s mental health issues mostly alone. I felt like I was the only person who cared in our relationship and about our kids. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting and I was sad most of the time.

And then Covid happened. And I was stuck at home all.the.time with the kids. Mr. Cereal left for work everyday while I stayed at home with the kids trying to get their virtual school to work, monitoring their schoolwork, trying to do my own work, and trying to navigate my first year in a doctoral program. When Mr. Cereal would come home from work, he would immediately go to the couch in the living room and stay there on his phone for the rest of the night. This scenario repeated over and over again. I asked for more help, I asked for more attention, for more anything.

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I need your help! I’m hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I’ve only cooked Thanksgiving dinner a handful of times in my entire life. When we lived in New York, we always visited my family for Christmas and not Thanksgiving, and my Korean family didn’t really celebrate Thanksgiving growing up. But we’re all together this year, and family time is especially important after the pandemic kept us all apart for so long.

This is what I have on my menu so far based on what my family likes:

• turkey
• stuffing
• mashed potatoes
• gravy
• cranberry sauce
• cornbread
• corn
• bacon wrapped asparagus
• pumpkin pie with vanilla ice cream
• one more side (green beans, squash, mushrooms, or sweet potato)

Please share your tried and true tips for cooking a moist turkey, as well as recipes for your favorite side dishes! But I will not be cooking cranberry sauce or the pumpkin pie.

We’re already been in the US for 21 days! The first two weeks we were recovering from jet lag and didn’t do much other than running errands. We needed haircuts, health checkups, dentist appointments, clothes… lots of logistics after 20 months in lockdown! Charlie and Olive have been visiting Los Angeles every year (other than in 2020) since they were born, so we’ve done many of the things there are to do. This trip we’re focusing on lots of outdoor activities like hiking trails and camping where we can avoid large crowds and indoor spaces. It’s been unseasonably warm, so I think we still have time to squeeze in some tent camping trips.

hiking in Yucaipa, CA

These are some interesting parenting links from around the web this week!

HEALTH

How a simple tummy-rub can change babies’ lives via BBC

The case for mandating Covid-19 vaccines for kids via Vox

F.D.A. Plans to Authorize Pfizer Boosters for All Adults This Week via New York Times

40 Percent Of American Kids Think Hot Dogs And Bacon Are Plants via IFL Science

When can kids take off their masks in school? Here’s what some experts say via NPR

Some U.S. states dangle cash and scholarships to get children vaccinated. via New York Times

What’s Stopping So Many Parents From Giving Their Kids the COVID Vaccine? via Slate

The One Thanksgiving Necessity America Forgot to Stock via The Atlantic

EDUCATION

A Frenzy of Book Banning via New York Times

My Teen Struggles with Executive Function via Harvard

If history is a guide, schools will start requiring COVID vaccines via NPR

Four Character Strengths That Can Help Kids Learn via Greater Good

As D’s and F’s Soar Schools Ditch Inequitable Grade Systems via LA Times

Editorial: How can kids learn without homework and rigid deadlines? Quite well, it turns out via LA Times

FAMILY

Without Parental Leave I Might Be Dead via New York Times

How to raise emotionally intelligent kids via Ted

Parental Leave is American Exceptionalism at its Bleakest via The Atlantic

What Becoming a Parent Really Does to Your Happiness via The Atlantic

‘Encanto’ is the best Disney animated movie in the past 6 years via Insider

Sesame Street makes history with the debut of its first Asian American muppet via NPR

This Is What Parents Named Their Babies In 2021 — And For The First Time In Over A Decade, There’s A New Top Girl Name via Buzzfeed

For too many girls, teenage years are a time of unwanted attention from older men via The Guardian

Is Nora from Queens a ‘loser’?: Children of Chinese immigrants on high parental expectations via BBC

How to Give Your Child Grit: The Courage and Determination to Try Again and Do Hard Things via Nurture and Thrive

My Teen’s Social Life Means That I Never Stop Driving via Your Teen Mag

I just saw this comment on one of my old posts:

I am curious what the future outlook for your kids might be? I feel like I’m locked in the “grind” because I’ve been taught that this is what it will take to be successful in the future. Your island life seriously sounds like a dream environment for kids though! Would love a post on any ideas on incorporating these ideas/lifestyles into US life… or if that’s even possible!

When we first moved to the Philippines, we always planned on moving back to the US because there aren’t many educational opportunities on our island. But I think the pandemic changed everything.

Olive had just turned 4 and Charlie was about to turn 6 when we moved to the Philippines. Our first two years the kids’ education was largely unschooled, incorporating a lot of learning through our daily activities like farming, nature walks, reading, and family discussions. Learning through play is important at that age, and we wanted to foster the kids’ innate curiosity and interests. The next two years the kids attended a small private school, and that was great too, especially the sense of community and the friendships all of us made. The pandemic hit and Charlie and Olive took a year off from school, mostly just reading a lot of books; having access to a wide range of fiction and nonfiction books has always been a constant in their lives. Then this year we enrolled them in a US-based online homeschool.

I think the pandemic created a whole new subset of homeschoolers that may never have considered homeschooling before. Some parents tried online homeschool for the first time during the pandemic, and didn’t want to go back to regular in-person school. People homeschool for many different reasons including incorporating a religious curriculum, participating in sports, having an IEP, a global pandemic, living on a remote island. Online homeschool took the pressure off me teaching, and I realized that it actually opened up more opportunities. I never considered homeschooling long term, but recently I started thinking, why not?

W O R L D S C H O O L I N G

We hosted two worldschooling families with kids the same age as Charlie and Olive just before the pandemic, and became good friends. Both families had been traveling around the world for a year+ while doing a combination of homeschooling and attending local schools. Following along on their worldschooling journeys stirred the already burning wanderlust in me. It has always been my dream to take at least one year off and slow travel after we leave the Philippines. Online homeschool makes this a more feasible possibility because the kids can do their education anywhere in the world. And since their school is US accredited, their credits are transferrable should they enroll in public school at some point. The kids could augment a traditional education with their travels, learning about other cultures, religions, histories, peoples through firsthand experience.

T H E  C O L L E G E  T R A C K

Right now the kids do online homeschool for 4 hours a day, but once they’re caught up it will go down to 3 hours a day (They’re finishing about 2.5 years worth of school in 1 year). They both start school as soon as they wake up, so they have a lot of free time every day and spend most of it coding. They could become very proficient in coding, or whatever else they choose to pursue, by the time they graduate high school. Homeschooling would enable them to have time to take special courses, college courses, internships/jobs, and work on their own projects. By not following the traditional college track, perhaps they’ll actually have an advantage over other students. The kids are teaching themselves coding by googling, watching youtube videos, taking online courses and just figuring out a lot themselves through trial and error. We want to nurture this kind of independence, passion, and thirst for knowledge, and homeschool gives them more time and freedom to do so.

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As I was packing for my trip to the US, I found that one of my cats had peed in my makeup box and I had to throw all my makeup away. I had barely touched my makeup the entire pandemic, and it was time to replace it anyway. I had been using high end brands, but since I don’t wear makeup often anymore, I decided to stick to drugstore brands and headed to Target and CVS. Our local Target has an ULTA inside it, so it actually carries tons of high end brands too. These are some of the drugstore products I bought and have been loving!

Morphe Eye Shadow Palettes ($26) – The ULTA sales clerk at Target told me that Morphe’s eye shadows were not that different from Urban Decay. I actually ended up purchasing an eyeshadow palette from a Morphe store, where I also picked up some makeup brushes (they’re known for the best value brushes). They were having a 50% off sale that day, and I wish I had purchased more things because the quality is great, especially at this price point. I’ll definitely be making a second visit to purchase some more palettes and brushes as gifts!

Milani Baked Blush ($7.97) – I’d used Milani blushes in the past because Luminoso is considered a dupe for the popular Nars Orgasm. This time I purchased Dolce Pink, which is just as lovely!

Maybelline Master Chrome Highlighter ($4.89) – A little bit of highlighter goes a long way. This one is super pigmented and creamy, and comparable to high end brands.

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For many months we had been planning to visit my family in the US, but we waited until Mr. Bee and I were both fully vaccinated. We’ve been in the US for 13 days now, and I didn’t realize how much we had changed over the past twenty months due to the pandemic until we got here. We locked down harder than almost anyone we know because we don’t have access to great medical care on our island. We socialized three times in the entirety of 2021. Half the population of our city left since it is completely dependent on tourism and there was no work. Then we came to the US, where life has had some semblance of normalcy for a while, and it was overwhelming being around so many people when it had just been our family of four for so long. I joked to Mr. Bee that we had become too feral during the pandemic.

I shared what I missed about pre-pandemic life here, but there are many things I actually loved about pandemic life and don’t want to change in our new normal. I don’t know what ways I’ve been forever changed by the pandemic, but at the very least it has given me ample time to consider my priorities.

1) Family Bonding – I lived in the island capital five hours away from Mr. Bee for almost two years with Charlie and Olive so that they could attend school. When lockdown was announced on March 13, 2020, we left the island capital the next day and went back home. I don’t regret our time in the capital — it had an incredible impact on both Charlie and Olive. But being able to spend so much family time together during lockdown after being apart was a gift. The first couple months when we thought lockdown was temporary, we spent our entire days together, playing games, eating all our meals, and going for daily walks on the beach. We’ve continued to eat all our meals together throughout the pandemic. Olive just turned 10 and Charlie is about to turn 12. These are probably the last few years that they want to spend time with us as they enter their teenage years. I feel grateful that we became even closer to our children during these precious years.

2) Less stress – Without the stresses of the daily grind and social engagements, I went off my antidepressants. I’ve had some ups and downs throughout the pandemic, but overall I’ve been pretty even-keeled, which I consider great for me!

3) Less socializing – As introverts, it was easy to embrace this new normal. We like socializing occasionally, but we had more social engagements than we would have preferred pre-pandemic. We probably became too introverted during lockdown though because now that we’re in the US where we will be meeting lots of friends, it’s a little stressful to think about!

4) Less spending and less stuff – Since we were locked down on a remote island, with nowhere to go and no shopping options, we bought almost nothing other than food and household necessities during the pandemic. That translated into spending much less overall. We didn’t buy any clothes for our family for almost two years, and Charlie and Olive outgrew almost everything. I’ve been a minimalist since we got rid of everything we owned before we moved to the Philippines, but the pandemic took it to a new level.

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The Pfizer vaccine for kids was approved last Wednesday, and the soonest appointments available around us were for Sunday. We opted to go today (Monday) instead when the drugstore would be less busy with kids at school and people at work. Olive just turned 10 last month, and Charlie is turning 12 in December. When we planned our trip to the US, we knew that the vaccine would most likely be approved for Olive’s age group by the end of the year. So we timed our trip to make sure the kids could get both doses of vaccine before we went back to the Philippines, because it’s unlikely the vaccine for kids 5-11 will be available there any time soon (the 12+ age bracket was just approved).

I made an appointment with CVS online, and I was also able to schedule flu shots for me and Mr. Bee. We got a reminder text two days before our appointment, and another one an hour and a half before our appointment time with a link to check in on arrival. There was no line, and we were able to get shots right away. The kids had to sit and wait for 15 minutes to make sure there weren’t any immediate side effects, and then they got their vaccine cards. Since the CVS was inside a Target, we also got $5 Target gift cards with each of our vaccines! It was so quick, easy and efficient!

Did anyone else get their 5-11 year olds their first covid vaccine this week?