I planned for this month to be all about getting into a day care groove, sleeping more, finding time to remedy my dismal fashion sense, and generally moving forward in life.  And most days I have.  This month I managed to find time to get my highlights and hair cut for the first time in longer than I care to admit.  Probably the best part of the experience was that I went to my hairdresser complaining about how all these tiny baby hairs popped out of my head once I stopped breastfeeding, and just how old they make me feel.  She said how adorable the look and how she loves them.  Maybe she was lying.  I don’t care.  It was the perfect reminder that events or facts are just that – and we are the ones that label them with emotion and as either good or bad, young or old, funny or sad.  Realizing that helps me take note of how much power I have.  Perhaps not over actual events, but of how I react to them.

I also went to get make-up applied twice and am practicing on applying eyeliner.  One Estee Lauder make-up person told me all positive things about myself – like how I have incredibly long eyelashes and how if she had lashes like mine she would just jump up and down in her apartment celebrating.  She also complimented my cheekbones and my big eyes.  Some days when I look in the mirror I see the age spots, the dark circles under my eyes, the wrinkles, the yellowness of my teeth and my frizzy hair.  But ever since she has complimented me I look to see my long lashes, my big eyes, and my high cheekbones and I tell myself I’m beautiful.  Because really, it’s me who has to think so – I’m the one looking at myself in the mirror every visit to the bathroom.

This month I also made huge strides on the clothing front.  My housemate helped.  She gave me stacks of her clothes that don’t quite fit.  While some aren’t exactly my style, her clothes are hands down better than half of what I had been wearing to work.  I spend some time every weekend planning outfits for the week.  And almost every day someone compliments me on my outfit.  I’ve noticed that I stand a little straighter throw my shoulders back a bit more and smile.  I am just now realizing that I looked down a lot, especially when I made eye contact with a guy.  And now, well, now I’m looking attractive guys straight in the eye and smiling.

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I’ve come a long way.  And yet still, I find myself really needing to remind myself to trudge forward.  A few times my baby’s daddy has asked that we spend “family” time together.  And we do.  And I fall a little bit in love all over again and miss our little family a whole lot.  And I start hoping, hoping that maybe this is the first small step back towards one another.  But every time it’s the same.  Exactly when I feel independent and ready to give it a go without him, he’s back.  When I start to hope, even just a little, he’s mean.  He hasn’t looked in my eyes with anything close to love. I remember when we first met and I could just feel the love oozing from him.  And now, it’s rare if I feel anything other than indifference.  When I do, I recognize it as anger or, worse, hatred.  It just makes me feel bad.

And I am oh so over feeling bad.  Moving forward can be difficult, and sometimes feels downright impossible, but I think the first step is to start being open to other men.  For the first time in my life I’m considering online dating.  I am nervous of the men I will encounter, whether I will manage to find time, if I will come home from a date feeling even more bummed out.  But I am at the point where I just don’t want to be stuck anymore.  And I’m ready to move forward, even if it’s one small step.  Even if my online dating venture gets me only so far as looking at guys’ profiles and imagining a different man in my life.

Would you do online dating?  Do you think you’d want to spend time dating if you were a single mom?