Hellobee

This week is national infertility awareness week.  I have read that 1 in 8 woman will suffer from infertility.  I am one.  5 years ago in the midst of fertility treatments, I never would have dreamed that I would be sitting here with four children.   I so desperately wanted just one. I have read several posts on the boards recently about posting information on Facebook and other social media about infertility.  There were a large number of people who answered no to posting on their sites about struggles with infertility.  It seemed that a lot of people felt they didn’t have the “courage” to let people know about their own personal struggles.  So I decided that this week I would help be a voice for women who don’t want to talk.

I know that on Hellobee I have shared the history of my journey to motherhood.  Usually I gloss over the fact that I had several months of failed medical interventions before moving to adoption.  I thought this week maybe I should get into the details of those months I was seeking treatments, and how we got to that point.

Since puberty I knew there was something “wrong” with me.  I would only get a period several times a year.  At 18 I went on birth control to regulate it.   At 18 I didn’t care about having kids yet, but I did think about the implications it would have on my future.  When Mr. Train and I started dating, I knew he would be the man I married and had children with.  All of a sudden my ability to have children came into my thoughts.  When we were engaged, I decided to get off birth control so that my cycles could regulate and we could try to have children once we were married.  For about 6 months my cycles were fairly regular, but then they started to get longer and more inconsistent.  By the time we were married I was back to only having 3-4 periods a year.

On our honeymoon in Mexico we were young and in love and ready to start our family

At first we were thinking about waiting a while before trying so that we could have some time together, but in the end we decided to start right away.  I knew in my heart that this could be a very difficult journey with an irregular cycle. We tried for nine months. During that time I tried some charting, ovulation prediction kits, and then the Clearblue fertility monitor.  The problem and the frustration with those is that if you don’t ovulate…. they don’t work.

At nine months I found an OB/GYN in my area to go see.  I went in for a preconception appointment.  I wanted to get some answers about my horribly irregular cycles.  It was one of the worst doctor’s visits I have had.  She looked at me, asked about my cycles and then told me I probably had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I should lose weight.  If I lost weight I would get pregnant, and I wouldn’t want to be pregnant at my current weight anyway as it would be high risk.

I left her office in tears. I have battled my weight ever since I was a kid. I couldn’t believe that her only suggestion was to lose weight, which was something I had been trying to do for years anyway. After talking it through with my husband he thought I should find another doctor that may be more willing to talk to me about PCOS and what it involved.

So I found another OB/GYN.  She did say that without doing blood tests or a series of ultrasounds that she couldn’t say for sure it was PCOS, but that there was a strong chance it was.  She suggested that I try Metformin for a few months to see if it helped regulate my cycles.  The Metformin could help regulate some insulin issues and possibly help with weight loss.  I also had a prescription for progesterone that I could use to start my period if I had gone three months without one.  She said that if the Metformin did not work and I wanted to be more aggressive, I could find  Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and they would be able to run more tests to accurately assess my condition.

During the time I was on Metformin, my husband and I had a lot of time to discuss what we wanted to do.  In my heart I wanted it to be over and I wanted to adopt.  My husband wanted to pursue some fertility treatments so that we could try to have a biological child. I felt strongly that I did not want to go the route of IUI/IVF. I felt that if my body wasn’t meant to do it, I shouldn’t force it.  I know that this is not the same for many women and some are willing to do anything to get pregnant, but it just wasn’t in my heart.  I was willing to take drugs to get my body to ovulate since that was what I was assuming was not happening.

Our final agreement was to do fertility treatments until I decided to stop.  I would do as much as I could and then if I was still not pregnant, we would adopt. While I looked up adoption agencies, my husband looked up a reproductive endocrinologist in our area. After three months of Metformin and no period we went for our first consultation with our RE.  We knew none of it would be covered by insurance so we were on our own for the costs.

I felt so awkward going into their office for the first time.  I felt like I had a big BARREN: UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN stamp on my forehead.  I absolutely hated it.  But I wanted to do it for my husband.  I wanted to be able to make a child for him.  I felt like every month I wasn’t pregnant was huge disappointment for him.  So there I sat in the waiting room with other women who probably felt like they were wearing the same awkward stamp on their foreheads.  At our first visit they did an ultrasound and saw that I did have cysts, and following a blood test would probably be diagnosed with PCOS.  This was the beginning of months of hormone therapy that turned me into a bit of a crazy person.

The first step was to induce a period with progesterone and then start with a fresh cycle.  Then we started with clomid.  I don’t have the exact doses or on what cycle days I took the medications because this was 5 years ago, but each month that I didn’t get pregnant they upped my medication and my treatments.  I started with clomid then increased the dosage.  They added in trigger shots, administered by a nurse after an ultrasound checking for follicles.  After four cycle of clomid they changed my prescription to Menopur.  This was a series of shots my husband had to administer, plus the trigger shot in the doctor’s office.

Each time they upped my medication I feared the side effects.  I was a mess each month.  I would go from a sobbing mess to a raging lunatic in a matter of minutes.  I tried to tell myself that it was the hormones and it wasn’t me, but I really started to feel like I was going crazy.  I felt lost.  I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore.  I was completely wrapped up with dates, medications, office visits, blood tests, ultrasounds and hormones.  I had forgotten how to enjoy my life and my marriage.

After six failed cycles, my RE decided to try an HSG to test if my tubes were blocked.  In order to do the test I had to be free of hormone medications, so I stopped all treatments for a cycle.  The test found nothing wrong with my tubes.  After being off the hormone therapies for several weeks, I broke down into a hysterical crying mess with my husband.  I knew I could not continue this way.  I could not go back to the treatments.  I could not have any more hormones pumped into my system.  For six long cycles I had been a raging mess of a woman and I could not do it anymore.  I had failed at the one thing I felt a wife is supposed to do for a husband.  I wasn’t strong enough to keep going through treatments.  I know so many women who continue treatment for years and so many cycles.  To you women, you are stronger than I was and I admire your strength.

Of course Mr. Train supported each decision I made.  It was my body and my spirit that was going through hell each month and he never once blamed me for my inability to conceive.  Although I carried the huge burden on my shoulders, he was not the driving force behind my train wreck of emotions. It was me.  I put all of that failure and guilt on myself as so many of us women do.

I am thankful for the man I married.  Mr. Train was the most supportive person I could have had while we went through this challenge in our marriage and our lives.  We were in this together and we survived it together.  We are stronger for it.

During our struggle with infertility I never thought this is where I would be, Mrs. Train, mother of 4.

I never went back to my RE.  I started showing Mr. Train my research on adoptions and the rest is history.  5 years and four children later it is a small blip in time when I was unhappy.  At the time I would have described it as frustration, agony, stress, devastation, guilt, anger and every other strong negative word I could think of.  As I look back now, I choose to say it was simply a difficult time.  It was a struggle and it is a part of my story as a mom.

I am Mrs. Train and I am 1 in 8 women who struggle with infertility.  I am also a mother to four beautiful children.  To all who have struggled or are struggling with infertility, be brave.  Be courageous.  Be honest.  Share your stories with other women who may be hurting as well and know that there is always hope!  If you cannot talk now because you are in the midst of a struggle and the emotions are too raw, wait until you are on the other side of your journey.  Wait until you have your baby in your arms, smile and let the world know how much you desired to be a mom and what you went through to get there.