Now that it’s been a few months since our loss, I don’t think about it constantly like I did right after it happened. I might not even think about it every day, depending on the kind of day I’m having. It sort of feels like a bad dream. Like it didn’t really happen. Something will remind me of it – seeing a new pregnancy announcement on social media or a pregnant woman with her toddler at the park – and I’ll get transported back to that dark place. The disturbing image will flash in my mind and I’ll remember that it could have been me that was announcing my pregnancy or sporting a bump. It should have been me. I wish it would have been me.

A week or two ago, I realized I was taking out my frustration and anger on my husband. I was sick and got AF at the same time, making me a cranky hormonal mess. After a couple of comments from him, I realized I wasn’t doing us both any favors by acting that way. I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort since then to be as nice to him as he is to me, if not nicer. Sometimes I forget that he is dealing with all of this, too. I know it’s very different for him, but I know it’s not easy and sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

I also have noticed that I’m not the same parent to Liam that I was last year at this time. I remember feeling like I was always engaged with him when he was awake. I would let him play independently, but I was much more focused on him than I am now. I have been feeling so tired and run down lately (and maybe a little depressed), so I find myself putting on the TV more when I’m alone with him and staring at my phone a lot. When someone else is around, it feels easier for me to have fun with him, but when we’re alone, I tend to feel really tired and (I cringe even typing this) bored. The benefit of me being an over-thinker is that I usually recognize things like this and try my hardest to change. I’m making an attempt to be more in the moment with Liam when we’re alone and to avoid distractions like my phone and the TV.

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When we became pregnant so easily the second time, I took it for granted, I think. I was so caught off guard and a little bit freaked out about having another so close to Liam’s second birthday, that I didn’t really appreciate the fact that we only really tried once before getting our BFP. But now that we are trying again and it’s not coming as easily, I wish I could go back and give myself a little lecture about being grateful. While it isn’t nearly as difficult dealing with BFN after BFN the second time around, I still find myself feeling some of those same things I did when faced with so many problems the first time we TTC. The feeling that this might never happen. That maybe I’ll never get pregnant again. I push those thoughts out of my mind, though, because I know it’s better for me to think positively about this.

I tell myself it will happen again. I will be pregnant again one day and while it will be hard to let my guard down and enjoy the experience, I will be so grateful to be growing another child in my womb. I’ll try not to let the fear get to me and just live in the moment, trusting that things happen when and how they are supposed to happen. I try to savor the time I have with Liam now as an only child, and not wish the time away because I’m anxious to have another baby.

My husband has been away on business this week and at first I was really nervous to be alone with Liam for so long, but we have grown closer than ever. He cuddles with me every night before I put him to bed and he seems to really be loving all of our one on one time. I am so grateful for him and that he can be my only baby for a while longer.