Trying to conceive is such an arduous journey. Once the idea of having a baby turns from a vague possibility to something you want rightthissecond, the days and months seem to move at a snail’s pace, as you prepare for ovulation, do your best to time things just right so the sperm actually meets the egg, and of course, the grueling two week wait. No mama-to-be that I have ever met takes much joy in the weeks after ovulation when the process is completely out of your control and there is nothing to do but wait wait wait wait.
Then finally, those long two weeks end with those beautiful double pink lines. B. F. P. You stare at the stick in wonder, feeling nothing short of shock and awe. You whisper to yourself, “There’s a baby in there. Oh my goodness.”
So then, after all of the two week waits, you call your doctor and realize, oh yeah. More waiting. Four weeks worth. You wait, you watch, and you have a lot of time to think. About your future baby. About the upcoming nine months. About your symptoms.
Finally, it’s the big day. And yesterday was mine.
After four long weeks of waiting, of fatigue and insomnia, sore boobs and emotions running high, I finally arrived at my midwife’s office to catch a glimpse of that little one growing in there. My hubby was stuck at work due to unforeseen circumstances, so I was flying solo. My midwife and I went through all the questions and chit chat, and then it was go time. Time for the ultrasound.
Having a trans-vaginal ultrasound is never fun, but once that wand is up there, the absolute last thing you want to hear is that your provider is having trouble seeing what she is looking for. My midwife brought in the ultrasound technician who confirmed what my midwife suspected and what I feared most: no baby. Our little gestational sac was empty. Development stopped in the sixth week, and despite all of my hyped up hormones and bloated belly, our pregnancy journey was…is…over.
I sit here writing in a state of shock. Just as my body never really went into labor with my first child, it seems like even with a failed pregnancy, my body seems to want to hang on tight. Before my appointment, I had no symptoms of miscarriage – no cramping, no bleeding, no pain. This morning is my D&C procedure, to remove the evidence of our would-be September baby. To make it go away, as quickly as possible.
More than anything, I wish that the D&C procedure could cut out the hurt, excise the pain, make the past four weeks disappear. Wash away the daydreams, the nursery visions, the names we brainstormed, the babymoon plans.
Of course, I find reassurance in knowing that this is not the end of the world. I am young enough not to fear the ticking clock of time…yet. The oh-so-reliable internet tells me that the majority of miscarriages in the first trimester are caused by chromosomal abnormalities, and honestly, I know that there is nothing at all I could have done differently. This baby just wasn’t meant to be.
I’m hurting now, but I won’t hurt always. There will be physical pain this afternoon, this week, and in the weeks and months to come, I know my heart will need time to heal as well. One this is all set and done, I’ll have another four week wait on my hands – the wait for my period to resume, so I can rejoin the mamas-to-be out there, tracking my cycle and chugging along through the two week wait once more.
apricot / 483 posts
my heart goes out to you, and i’m so sorry for your loss. thinking of you today and in the upcoming weeks. i’m in a similar boat, and just had my d&e in late december – hoping for an easy physical recovery for you, and keeping you in my thoughts for the emotional recovery that goes with it as well
grapefruit / 4187 posts
I am so sorry for your loss
I hope you have a speedy recovery both physically and emotionally.
GOLD / squash / 13576 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. Huge hugs.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
oh sweetie, lots and lots of hugs.
pomelo / 5228 posts
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this
Take care of yourself, and know we’re here if you need it.
cantaloupe / 6869 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss!
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
I am so sorry for your loss!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I’m so so sorry. Hugs.
grapefruit / 4717 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3921 posts
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds really familiar – I got a BFP mid-August last year, and went for our first ultrasound in early October. I should have been 10.5 weeks, and so they tried a regular ultrasound first. Nothing. They moved onto transvaginal, and my news was almost identical: empty sac, with no development past 6.5 weeks. It’s such a difficult and crappy (understatement of the year, right?) to be feeling so pregnant and planning the next 7-8 months and beyond – and then to be told that things aren’t the way they seem. I know the whole point of this post was to be anonymous, but if you want to talk, wall me anytime. I’ll be thinking about you, and praying for healing and peace.
nectarine / 2771 posts
Hugs to you. So very sorry for your loss.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3779 posts
((((Hugs!)))) So sorry for your loss. Of all the places you can talk about, here is a good one because a lot of us have gone through the same.
watermelon / 14206 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’ve been there…it’s really hard to arrive at your first appointment and finding out your LO won’t make it.
Big hugs for you!
cantaloupe / 6791 posts
I’m so sorry
I had a missed miscarriage too. And it’s awful. Big, big hugs!
apricot / 363 posts
I’m really sad and sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for still sharing your story. Thinking of you…
bananas / 9229 posts
((hugs)) I’m so sorry for your loss.
pomegranate / 3414 posts
so sorry for your loss, hoping for a speedy recovery (physical and emotional)
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Oh my goodness. I’m so, so sorry.
apricot / 301 posts
I’m so sorry.
honeydew / 7968 posts
*hugs*
guest
my heart hurts for you. I know that feeling and it is so much harder than I would wish on anyone… I will send prayers to you and your angel baby. XOXO
cherry / 215 posts
So, so sorry. Hoping things start looking brighter very soon.
persimmon / 1165 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too. Know that while the pain never fully goes away, it does get easier. Many hugs for you and your hubby.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
So sorry for your loss.
watermelon / 14467 posts
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
*hugssss* I’m so, so sorry!!! *hugssss*
honeydew / 7283 posts
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
pea / 14 posts
My story is almost identical. I’m so sorry for you loss.
persimmon / 1472 posts
I am so very sorry for your loss. *hug* I, too, have a story similar to yours. We arrived at our appt last March – 6.5 weeks – only to be crushed when the transvaginal ultrasound revealed an empty sac. My OB gave me progesterone supplements since it was early and there was a chance that I am just off on my dates. I took them religiously for a week but the f/u ultrasound showed the same empty sac, but larger. I decided to let my body miscarry naturally but my body held onto the pregnancy until around 9.5 weeks, when I couldn’t handle the wait anymore and had a d&c. At the pre-op ultrasound, the tech found that the sac had continued to grow as if I was still pregnant. The pain and hurt was beyond anything that words could explain. I was able to begin healing, mentally, after the d&c was done. It took a long time but it will get better. Take your time and let yourself, mind and body, do what it needs to do to heal.
grapefruit / 4213 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
coconut / 8430 posts
Hugs. So sorry for your loss.
grapefruit / 4311 posts
I’m so sorry *hugs* I lost a would be sept baby last year as well.
cantaloupe / 6687 posts
So sorry for your loss
coffee bean / 44 posts
Your story and timing is just like mine, was looking forward to a September baby. You hit the spot with the 4 week wait period- there’s a lot of waiting when TTC!
Since I literally went through what you did at the same time, I know there is not much anyone can say or do. You will find peace, it gets a little easier each day.
coconut / 8079 posts
So sorry for your loss.
grape / 75 posts
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
pineapple / 12566 posts
I’m so sorry.
guest
hugs. hang in there
pomelo / 5073 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss.
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
my heart aches for you.
nectarine / 2936 posts
I’m so sorry.
GOLD / pomelo / 5737 posts
So sorry for your loss.
pomelo / 5132 posts
My heart goes out to you!
pomegranate / 3053 posts
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there a couple of times. But I saw it as not meant to be as well. You will heal but it will just take some time. Hugs!
guest
I am so sorry for your loss! I went through the same thing exactly 14 days before you…I knew I was pregnant even before the pregnancy test, but I had experienced hyperemesis gravidarum during the first pregnancy. Then, I felt sick even before I knew. This time, only my breasts showed me my pregnancy. But then, I suddenly didn’t feel pregnant any more. I bought another pregnancy test – it was negative. The bleeding started the next day. And I’m turning 40 in 2 days. I really, really, really feel with you. All the best
Penny
olive / 70 posts
Beautifully written. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your husband. I am thinking about you both, and I’m confident that there will be another little anonymous before you know it! But most importantly, have fun doing the BD! Love, Mrs. BD