Hellobee

Since Drake turned three, we have been stuck in what I call the tantrum threes. When Drake turned two, everyone said that the twos would be horrible, but I’ll be honest and say I thought two was pretty easy, especially now that we are in the threes.

 Displeasure is starting

From eighteen months to about two and a half is what I always considered the sweet spot of babyhood. Babies can walk and talk and they are starting to develop a personality. It’s amazing to watch unfold, but they haven’t quite developed the total idea of independence and defiance. At around two and a half I felt that Drake suddenly learned that he didn’t always have to do what Mr. Chocolate and I wanted and started to test some of those boundaries.

For as long as I can remember, I had taught Drake that he can only run around on his own on the sidewalks but never on the street. I distinguished the two for him by the color — black was unsafe but white was ok.  There was a bit of a confusion when it came to the driveway though since that too was black, but as long as Drake stayed on it or the grass, I allowed him to roam.

When Drake turned two and a half, he started to test those boundaries though and run right to the end of the driveway and stand there. I would remind him he couldn’t step off into the street without holding my hand, and of course he started to test that by placing one foot into the street, or when he was feeling bold even a few into the street. Mr. Chocolate related this to the scene in Finding Nemo when Marlin, Nemo’s dad, forbade him from touching the boat he had swam to; Nemo defiantly tapped it with his little fin before starting his swim back to his dad. Despite the occasional defiance, Drake was still a fairly easy going child from two and a half on.

When Drake turned three, things started to change.  As it happens Drake went through some major life changes right as he turned three — Juliet was born so he experienced a loss of being the only child and the attention that used to come with that, he began school for the first time a few months after that, he transitioned to a toddler bed and he was potty training. We will never know if those big changes altered some of Drake’s behavior, or whether it was bound to happen regardless as he grew. Needless to say we are here now in tantrumville and it has not been a joy for sure.

Many days I feel like Mr. Chocolate and I walk on egg shells around Drake trying to avoid a tantrum, but quite honestly they happen so randomly over so many different things it’s hard to predict. Sometimes something that normally does upset Drake, like brushing his teeth because he is so uncooperative, can go so smoothly. Other times his breakdowns are so impossible, meaning there is nothing that we can possibly do that it’s frustrating — like when he wakes up in the morning and wants the sun to go back down, or when he goes to the bathroom and wants the pee to go back into him.

Many times though I feel his tantrums start because he is frustrated or upset that something he wants to happen isn’t happening.  Many times he will come over to me when I am in the middle of something, feeding Juliet or washing dishes, and want me to stop and do what he wants that second. When I don’t it slowly starts to break down for him. I can understand his frustration, but he needs to learn to ask and not demand, and also to wait and have patience.  Of course in the world of a three year old waiting a few minutes might as well be asking them to wait for the rest of their lives, and hence the meltdown.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be that we are somewhat getting better I think in both preventing tantrums as well as better dealing with them.

• We have a zero tolerance policy for hitting, kicking, etc. others. We tell Drake he can be mad and if he wants to vent his anger he can vent it on a pillow or the couch, but once he hits or kicks a person he goes right to his room for timeout — no chances, no discussions. This has eliminated any sort of violent outlashes for the most part. I’m not saying he doesn’t slip up, but I think it’s rather firmly planted in his head that hitting doesn’t get him anything.
• I do try not to yell and I admit it’s hard because sometimes I get frustrated and lose my cool.  I’ve learned yelling doesn’t seem to make Drake stop yelling or screaming, and it only makes me more frustrated that he isn’t listening to me, so as much as I can I try to keep calm.
• Sometimes we both just need a time out.  When Drake is being unreasonable, like wanting it to be night time again, and I know there is nothing I can do, I sometimes just tell him I’m going upstairs and he can be upset. When he is done, he can come find me and we can talk.  It’s hard to deal with Drake when he is upset at something — I simply can’t talk to him when he is all riled up. So sometimes it’s best if we just have some space so I don’t get more frustrated or mad. He knows that once he is calmer he can find me.
• Reasoning.  Sometimes this doesn’t work because its hard to reason with a screaming child who is so upset he doesn’t even know why he is upset anymore.  If Drake is upset about something I can talk to him about, like why I couldn’t go help him right that second when he asked since I was in the middle of something, I usually try to wait til he is a bit calmer and then talk to him about his behavior.
• Tickling.  Sometimes I get frustrated so I try to distract Drake with tickling.  It gets him to laugh, even for a little bit, and it helps me relax a little too when we are tickling and playing. It can usually get him to calm down for at least a little so we can talk and try to work out the problems
• Rock A Bye Baby.  This one I might sound silly and weird, but since Drake was small I used to sing rock a bye baby to him rocking in his chair.  When he was younger and he woke up upset at night, I would go in there and rock him.  These days when Drake has been upset for a while, I sometimes scoop him up in my arms and sing the song to him. Now that he is older I sometimes will change the words on him and since he knows the song so well, it snaps him out of being upset to correct me.  Then I sometimes go on singing it wrong and it helps break the tension and gets him to laugh and calm down.  I don’t know why this works and for how much longer it will, but recently it has been my go to trick after he has been crying for some time and nothing else seems to make him relax.