I mentioned earlier about my growing anxieties during pregnancy, but there was also something even bigger happening on Mr. Pencil’s side. During my first trimester, we found out that Mr. Pencil’s father was diagnosed with cancer. Since his parents were divorced, we barely saw my FIL — maybe two times in our almost 7 years of marriage – because he lived in Portland. He lived with Mr. Pencil’s grandmother, who was suffering from dementia.
A few weeks after I found out I was pregnant, Mr. Pencil had to fly up and stay with his father to help him recover from the tumor removal surgery. Mr. Pencil wanted to be near me and felt bad for leaving me alone, but he was really needed by his dad. Since I had really bad morning sickness, I stayed with my parents while Mr. Pencil helped his recovering father for two weeks. Even though we talked on the phone each night, it was rough. My FIL was having a very difficult recovery. He did not heal well, and he was emotionally in poor spirits from not being able to eat well. Living with a grandmother suffering from dementia sure didn’t make it any easier either. But this is what family is for – to be there when it matters the most.
After a while, it was obvious that my FIL’s health was quickly deteriorating. He began to lose weight rapidly and the doctors told us it wouldn’t be long. Although my FIL was not very close to the rest of his family, my SIL decided that she was going to move Mr. Pencil’s father into her home. She had a pretty full house with 2 little boys and a cute little corgi. But Mr. Pencil’s family thought it was the right thing to do. After a lot of logistical planning and financial meetings to sell the Portland house and move everything to California, my FIL was settled in to spend the rest of his days at my SIL’s house. His grandmother was too weak to be moved and they decided to have her stay at a good nursing home for suffering dementia patients. Her current nurse was to visit weekly and give us updates on how she was doing.
We spent the holidays knowing that this would probably be the last with my FIL. I was about 6 months pregnant at the time, and my FIL was so very excited and happy that we were having a boy. Turns out that there’s a very important tradition in the family when the eldest son’s son has another son. There was a lot of talk about genealogy and how my FIL would think of his future name. It was truly a bittersweet time because we knew the death of my FIL was very near, and we didn’t know if he would make it to see our little baby being brought into this world.
Many people go through what I was going through, and I just had no idea what it was like for them. People wanted to ask whether I thought it was going to be a boy or girl, if I was going to decorate my nursery and all these other baby questions. But the truth was that those were the last things on my mind. Death was around the corner and it was going to affect us greatly. I would smile and give short answers, but at home things were grim. Mr. Pencil and I constantly had to bounce back and forth supporting each other. He needed to be at so many places at once, and I needed to remain healthy and calm.
After the holidays were over, things moved even more quickly. Mr. Pencil’s grandmother passed away. It was hard because she was in so much emotional distress and the family had to take care of her daily physical needs, such as trips to the bathroom and feedings. FIL actually was in such bad shape, he was never told the news of his own mother’s passing. He himself was on his deathbed and soon enough, his mind also started to fade. It was a very sad time of just waiting and trying to spend as much time with family as possible.
There’s something different about losing a family member when you are close and have all these fantastic memories together, versus losing someone you hardly know. When you barely see or talk to each other… there’s a lot of sense of regret, wanting to make up for lost time, wishing you had said this or that. I watched Mr. Pencil go through one of the most difficult parts of his life. He was losing his father, while becoming one himself.
Mr. Pencil was driving an hour to my SIL’s house almost every night after work to spend the last days with his father. The doctors kept saying “any day now,” but my FIL clung on. At that point, being 7 months pregnant, I knew that Baby Pencil was never going to meet his grandfather. Mr. Pencil felt so bad for leaving me behind to take care of all the logistics, and I felt terrible that he was having to go through so much all at once. At least we were equally concerned for the other, we said.
When I got the call that he had finally passed, there was oddly a sense of relief. FIL was suffering so terribly, and everyone was just standing by for the inevitable. It seems like a horrible thing to wish or hope that someone’s pain would end in death, but when you watch a loved one just barely being able to live, sometimes the right thing to happen is death. They aren’t even really living anymore, especially when their mind is gone. I’m really glad that he passed in a home full of his family members. Even though they had all not seen each other for years, they came together for this time and paid their respects.
It would seem like things should end there, but it didn’t. I’ve never had to experience a parent die, so I didn’t realize that the children are the ones who handle all of the “adult” issues like selling the home, selling the car, handling the retirement funds and bank accounts, making funeral arrangements and so on. It is really hard to do so many logistical things right after someone passes.
So many people were concerned about my emotional health, since stress is really bad for pregnancy. But how could I think of myself during this time? I did try to breathe and not get too emotional, but during Mr. Pencil’s eulogy I couldn’t stop crying. How tragic that my FIL died, not even knowing his mother passed only a week before he would. And for my dear, husband… to handle two deaths while awaiting the arrival of his future son all within a few months. I admired how he was able to be such a responsible, loving and obedient son. I will one day tell Baby Pencil how his father handled this period with grace and love.
Even now, it boggles my mind how much happened everything during my pregnancy until now. Luckily (or unluckily?) it was mostly emotional, not physical difficulties. Anxieties, watching my sister go through IVF, and two family deaths. It was the time when Mr. Pencil and I grew the closest we had ever been. It made me feel like we could go through the hardest times in life and still be there for each other. In a way, it helped me believe in “us” more as a couple. And after all that, we were going to be hit with the craziest change in our lives — becoming parents.
It also amazes me to see the circle of life. Into the world we are born so helpless, needing help to eat, go to the bathroom and in need of the most tender care. When we leave this world, we need the same exact things! It is so interesting and perfect and awful how everything works in this cycle. I got to see it right before my very eyes.
Baby Pencil, one day I will explain to you everything about your FIL and your grandmother. They would have loved to meet you. And it’s crazy how much you look like your grandfather! He would have been so proud and he loved you so much even before you were born.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I can’t imagine how much you went through during your pregnancy… I’m glad that you and Mr. Pencil found solace and comfort in each other, and that through that difficult time it brought you two even closer to one another! Baby Pencil is so cute!
coffee bean / 29 posts
I lost all 3 grandparents within 13 months during my first pregnancy and before my son’s first birthday. I had to attend one funeral less than 2 weeks after he was born. It was a very hard time as my parents were the ones carrying for 2 of the 3 grandparents and I lived hours away.
pea / 5 posts
It’s crazy (and, sad) how these things happen. My great grandmother passed about the time I was born, and my grandfather passed shortly after my LO was born in September. I’m sad he never really got to meet her (he never really woke up, and we visited the night before he passed), but I hope that there’s a little bit of his spirit in our sweet girl.
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
Sounds like your husband is a strong man!
pomelo / 5228 posts
Thank you for sharing this. My dad passed away at the beginning of my first trimester and it continues to be really hard to process, especially since LO is still inside. But all we can do is tell him how about grandpa, and how much he was excited to know him.
kiwi / 656 posts
My DH is currently a 12 hour drive away from me at his grandmothers death bed while I’m at home 26 weeks pregnant. It is so true, I hate that I can’t be there for him and we are so worried about each other. Sad times, looking forward to the beautiful baby after this. Your baby is lovely!
kiwi / 566 posts
Oh my goodness, this is such a beautiful, touching post. I am almost sobbing at work! I love what you say about the cycle of life and death. The day before Lettie was born, a student was found dead at my alma mater, and such it was an extremely small college (less than 2,000 students) it really rocked the community. Definitely was feeling the cycle of death and life that week! I also love all the things you plan to tell Baby Pencils about his dad’s strength at this time. He’s lucky to have such a strong, loving daddy!!
guest
I lost my mother to cancer 3 weeks after my son was born. She was diagnosed 6 months prior and had been doing okay, but shortly before he was born she started going downhill a bit. Luckily she was there with me when he was born and got to spend a lot of time with him before the disease started hitting her quickly.
It was terrible because it was my first child, the only grandchild and we aren’t very close to my husband’s parents (emotionally or physically), so I felt very alone and just wanted my mom there to help me. But I wanted to be a good mommy and not completely break down, so I did focused on that and got through it. But months later, with no real grandma, and knowing how amazing and involved my mother would have been with him, I am realizing the loss much more. I miss her even more for my son and what he’s not getting to experience and not getting to have known her, than simply missing her on my own. It leaves such a huge hole in my heart to both not have my mom there with me as a new mom and for the relationship that would have been with her grandchildren.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
What an awful ordeal to go through, for both of you. I am so sorry for your losses.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
This is a really lovely post. I think the part were you talked about how these events actually bought you and your husband together and made your relationship stronger is the most touching part. Events like these really test a relationship and I’m glad you two made it out stronger.
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: Of course, close friends helped too! ;*)
@Amber1279: That is sooo sad!! I can’t imagine going to a funeral and then having a baby THAT close together!
@missmopar: I totally think that way too! I also thought a bit about something in my FIL’s death providing something to the baby’s spirit.
@Mrs. Chipmunk: It’s interesting… he would never consider himself to be. It’s truly like that bible verse “when I am weak, I am strong.”
@Mrs.Someone: Oh my gosh, I’m soooo sorry!! I truly am. I can’t believe during your 1st trimester too, when there are so many emotions to go through. I also plan to show pictures and tell good stories and facts in memory of him. XOXO from me. Don’t know if this will hurt to listen to, but it made me able to express some emotions through this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spkhp41ig4
@Mrs tartan: It is sad, but I think it’s a beautiful thing when two people can support each other like that! You truly learn how to be selfless and look at what’s really important. Even though it’s hard for you to be alone, at least something wonderful and new is coming into your life! It’s hard to celebrate, but it’s still celebration worthy.
@ILoveLettie: It IS very eye opening when death suddenly comes! We’re still young (I assume) so it’s not like we see people die all the time. But when it does, it makes us see what’s truly important in this world. A healthy baby, a loving husband, whatever it is… we are really blessed in so many ways!
@Mrs. Confetti: Thank you! It was awful but beautiful at the same time. Mr. Pencil and I grew so much because of this experience.
@Raindrop: You’re very right! It could have gone horribly wrong if one of us was acting selfish… but it was just so emotional and tragic that we were both just very humbled.
guest
I just lost my mother to a sudden stroke. One of the deepest sadnesses and feelings I loss I have had was in realizing that she would never know our future child(ren).
I realized something though that brings me so much comfort: my child(ren) will have her watching down over them every single day of their lives, not just on visits, holidays, or birthdays.
I feel so strongly that even right now they are being nurtured and held by her above in heaven. Feeling this and trusting in this brings me so much peace and healing.
Thank you for writing this post! And for all the comments. It’s so comforting to know that there are people facing similar things.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
we lost my mother’s mom just before Lil’ CB came home…it was so hard losing her knowing that she would never get to meet her great-grandson whom we knew she already loved. i can’t imagine going through all of those emotions while being pregnant, too… hugs to you and your family as you continue to grieve the loss…
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Such a crazy time for you two. So glad you have each other though to get through these times.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Your husband sounds likes a strong man and both of you are even stronger together! Hugs.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Thank you for sharing. I can’t even begin to imagine how it’s like to have two losses like that and so close together all the while being pregnant. I’m so sorry for your losses. *Hugs*
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Im so sorry for your losses. I could feel your emotions as I read. I lost my father on my birthday almost 2 years ago. I didnt even know I was pregnant til a few weeks later. I mourn a little that he never knew he had a granddaughter on the way and all the other things you think about after someone is gone. Hugs to your and your husband for your lossses
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@Mrs. Chocolate:: I’m so sorry to hear that! I can’t imagine how much more it would affect my pregnancy if it were my own father… Hugs back to you!!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts