Hellobee

On Mother’s Day, I went out for drinks with a couple mom friends while our husbands put the kids to bed. One of the moms of a 2 year old and 3 1/2 year old said that she felt like she was still struggling, while it seemed like most other moms did the whole parenting thing with much more ease. I told her that I felt the same until pretty recently, and it just got much easier for me shortly after Charlie and Olive turned 3 and 5; another friend with kids the same age agreed.

I wouldn’t trade them for anything!

The infant stage was hard because everything was new to me. I loved the “golden era” of toddlerhood with Charlie from 15 months+, and though his 2’s were relatively easy, Olive was born when he was 22 months old. It was definitely much easier the second time around, but a baby has so many needs that first year so we were homebound a lot. Once the kids were 1 and 3, Charlie was in full-on threenager mode that continued through his 4’s. At the same time we were going through Early Intervention with Olive. I always thought that I’d prefer the toddler years because I was never a baby person. I love when kids can walk and talk. But the toddler years were just as difficult, if not moreso, in a different way than the infant stage. While there were moments when things were easier, when it was hard, it was hard. I always considered myself to be a pretty patient person… until I had a toddler and preschooler. Nothing has tested my patience and temper more in my entire life!

I’m one of those people who have always said that parenting was hard for me. It just seemed much easier for my closest friends, who all have kids around the same age as mine, although part of that probably has to do with my personality. Now I’m here with a 3 year old and 5 year old, and I have felt a visible shift in my experience of parenthood. It is noticeably easier. So why now?

1) Olive and Charlie truly became best friends. While Olive and Charlie have always been very close, she had a huge language explosion around 3 that enabled her to communicate much better. Charlie used to boss her around when she was younger and she’d go along with it — part of it is her easy-going personality — but as her ability to articulate herself improved, they became more equal and could immerse themselves in imaginative play together for hours.

2)  Both kids were potty trained. We potty trained Olive on the late side due to traveling and lack of interest. And when you’ve been changing diapers for 5 years, you just get used to it. But now that we’re completely diaper-free, we’re saving so much money, and the kids go to the bathroom by themselves, it’s wonderful!

3) Charlie’s 3’s and 4’s were very tough. The 3’s were full of massive tantrums. Charlie has always been a sensitive child, and it was obvious that he had trouble controlling and understanding all these big emotions he was experiencing. Though the tantrums subsided in the 4’s, he would get intensely angry, frustrated and emotional at the drop of a hat; he’d be Dr. Jekyll one moment and Mr. Hyde the next. Charlie would get so angry, there were many times that I seriously thought something was wrong with him! Lots of googling led me to stories of much more difficult kids, which was a little reassuring, and I hoped that this was a normal, necessary developmental stage, testing his boundaries and figuring out how to handle all these big emotions. It has gotten a lot better since he turned 5, and the principles in The 5 Love Languages of Children have been a huge help! Now that he’s 5 1/2, I am happy to say that the 3’s and 4’s were so so tough… but the 5’s have been so so sweet.

4) Sleep gets much better. With both kids, sleep through the 2’s and 3’s were tough. Crib to bed transitions, hours long bedtime battles, late bedtimes… Charlie dropped his nap just before he turned 4, and he took the odd nap here and there for a couple of months. But now that he doesn’t nap, we don’t have to worry about planning activities around his sleep which gives us a lot more flexibility. If we’re home during “naptime,” he’s happy to draw by himself so we still get downtime too. And he’s usually so tired at the end of the day, he falls asleep quickly on his own, in his bed. Olive is 3 1/2 and in the process of dropping her nap; she needs one every 2-3 days now, but I doubt she’ll drop it completely before she starts pre-k in the fall. Even short naps mean late bedtimes so I’ll actually be happy when she drops it! That means early and easy bedtimes for all!

5) They’re in public school. Public school is awesome in so many ways because you’re not paying for childcare, the kids learn so much it’s ridiculous, and their social circle expands, which means parents make many new friendships as well. Since Charlie started public school, he has generally slept better (all that learning is tiring), and is less picky (all that learning makes him hungry). Olive will be starting public pre-k this fall, and we won’t have to pay for preschool anymore! That is a huge amount of savings!

6) You can trust them with their own safety. When they’re little, you have to watch them like a hawk so that they don’t run into the street. Now we just tell them “three trees!” which means they can run three trees ahead then have to stop and wait for us, and they actually listen. Throughout toddlerhood you also have to watch them pretty carefully on playground structures so that they don’t fall off. Now we just let them loose and can sit on a bench and watch them.

7) They are such fun, interesting, little people. I absolutely loved when they first started to talk, but being able to have long conversations about anything is even better. The kids constantly crack me up, and it’s so interesting to see them develop into their own person with likes, dislikes, passions, etc. Charlie and Olive are complete opposites even though they were raised by the same parents! We have so much fun together as a family, and sharing the things I loved growing up with them like camping brings me so much joy.

8) Travel is easier. We’ve been traveling since they were babies so they’re good travelers, but we have many friends who’ve been scared to travel abroad with young kids. 3 and 5 is a great age where it is generally much easier to travel with two! All the kids needs are an ipad and some paper + markers and they’re set!

9) They are way more independent. They brush their teeth, put on their clothes, put on their shoes, wash their hands, get a drink of water, go potty, read themselves books, play independently and so much more. You don’t have to do everything for them anymore, and they are actually very helpful! If I’m really tired, I can also just hand them the ipad and take a nap without worrying that they’ll burn the place down. And we can put them in new situations (Korean school, summer camp), and they are fine! Next summer we’ll probably leave the kids with grandparents and go on a parentcation!

10) You have more time with your SO. Charlie and Olive attend Korean school from 9-1 every Saturday, and they love it. That means… date time for us!

11) You have more time for you. This past year was pretty brutal for me. I was suffering from a bad bout of depression and anxiety, which I’m sure was partially caused from just being a parent, and antidepressants weren’t helping. I was exhausted and it was hard to even get myself out of bed in the mornings. Olive’s preschool had shorter hours so I was doing a lot more childcare. The winter was one of our coldest yet, and I work from home, so I had seasonal affective disorder. I was breaking out in hives all over my body. I had severe eczema. I was drinking and eating too much and put on a lot of weight.

But then Charlie’s behavior improved significantly. An extra gorgeous spring brought hope and sunshine. I went off birth control pills because I think the hormones were affecting me. I started exercising. It felt like a fog had been lifted. All of that is to say, I had way more time to take care of myself because my kids were more independent. I jogged in the evenings after dinner. I went out with friends because putting down 2 older kids isn’t hard like putting down two younger kids. I had time to put on makeup and take care of my appearance again, and I felt so much better about myself.

I’m not saying that it’s been nonstop hard for the past 5 years. Of course there was much happiness, laughter, and love throughout that entire time, and every parent and child is also different. But for me, there has been a tangible shift since they turned 3 and 5. There are still hard days, there are still days I lose my temper, and god help me if the kids are a fraction as rebellious as I was in my teens. But right now we are in a great sweet spot. I’m loving it and trying to soak up and appreciate every moment. This is what I hoped parenthood would be like.