Hellobee

We spend a lot of time around here talking about parenting and children (because, it’s what we’re here for!), but sometimes we have to talk about the other relationships that go into our families – like marriages. I’ve found lately that one of the most effective ways for me to work on my marriage is to read books centered around marriage. I’ve always been a visual learner, and something about these books speaks to my soul and really helps me focus on improving my relationship with Mr. Garland. I’m a firm believer that no matter how strong your marriage is, it always needs work!

I recently finished reading The 7-Minute Marriage Solution by Steven Arterburn and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this book spoke to me. There were so many little thoughts and wisdoms sprinkled throughout the book that were almost revolutionary to me in how simple and obvious they were, but I had never thought about things in quite those terms before. I’ll give a brief disclaimer that this book is written by a Christian author and contains some advice that is clearly geared towards Christian couples. However, even if you aren’t religious, the vast majority of the advice in this book is applicable to any couple in any phase of life.

The book is broken up into 3 sections:

• 7 things you should stop doing in your marriage
• 7 things you should start doing in your marriage
•  7 minutes that matter most (this is the section that is mostly geared towards couples who are religious)

I really appreciated how throughout the entire book, Arterburn refrained from speaking mostly to one sex or the other or making too many broad generalizations about either sex. Advice is geared towards both men and women throughout the book and it’s clearly meant for couples to read and discuss this book together. A few of the tips in this book were, quite frankly, things I never had even thought about before.

The best way that I can think to share with you what I got from this book is to share a few of the quotes I highlighted and saved, along with my thoughts. So, here are my top 5 moments from this book:

“If you expect to have a spouse, you must prepare yourself to live with an imperfect one” … “the truth is that neither partner in any marriage is free from defects. If  you find yourself disappointed in or disapproving of your mate, whether it’s the morning after your wedding night or seven years into the marriage, it’s likely that your mate is feeling the same buyer’s remorse.”

One thing I know that I personally struggle with is letting the little annoyances get to me. Tiny, insignificant things like how he mispronounces a word or the way he cleans the kitchen start to seem just as big as the other things that he does “wrong.” I don’t spend enough time thinking about how he’s probably feeling the same way about me!

“Most of your anger is self-centered. You get angry because you want the world around you to be ordered in a certain way, and when you can’t have it that way, you do what an undisciplined child does: you throw a tantrum, pout, or start planning revenge. It’s all about you, your entitlement, and what you want right now.”

Arterburn talks about how much of our anger/disappointment in a relationship boils down to us feeling selfish and upset because things didn’t go the way we envisioned they would. This rang so true for me. Does it really matter that he didn’t finish cleaning the kitchen while I was giving Jackson a bath, or was that just my personal expectation for how the night would go? Did he even realize I expected him to stop everything he was doing to help me with a certain task, or was I just assuming he’d know I wanted him to? Now, when I feel myself getting upset with Mr. Garland for something, I try to pause and question whether I’m legitimately upset or if I’m just disappointed that things didn’t go according to my plan. Often, it ends up being the latter, and the simple act of recognizing it makes it much easier for me to just let it go or to talk to him about it in a more rational way.

“We are all fallen creatures who do not always manage our emotions and responses perfectly, and little offenses of no real consequence are sure to be a part of daily life…in a relationship as close as marriage where you are with each other every day for hours at a time, both of you should lower your sensitivity to hurt.” 

Throughout the book are lots of anecdotes and examples, and the one in this chapter was one of the most touching and effective to me. Arterburn talks about a woman who felt very annoyed by many of her husbands little quirks and annoying habits throughout the day and she came up with the idea that they would each spend 30 days writing down everything that bothered them about the other person and putting them in a jar. At the end of the month they’d read the slips of paper in the jar and would each be aware of what they need to work on in the relationship. When the time came to read the paper, the jar she had filled for him was full of faults, failures and annoyances… but when she opened her (equally full) jar, each slip of paper simply said “I love you”.

For me, this was such a fantastic reminder that no matter how many annoying little habits or mistakes my partner makes, I have to remember that above all else, I love him. And really, that matters so much more than anything else.

“A Carnegie Hall concert by a great pianist requires hours and hours of repetitive practice. It’s dull, it’s tiring, but the end result is breathtaking, spinetingling music. The everyday things you do in marriage may seem dull and repetitive, but they are building a life together – an achievement that will give you great joy and satisfaction.”

What awesome and inspiring words to read when you’re feeling like your marriage is less than exciting, no?

“The willingness of a husband or wife to tease or belittle the other, either in public or private, is a passive-aggressive way of objectifying and discounting your spouse, and it is an obvious symptom of disrespect.”

This is something Mr. Garland and I have had many conversations about over the years, and it’s something we both continue to struggle with. There are times where each of us will fall into the habit of “teasing” one another when we’re with friends, usually about a silly habit or a mistake that the other made. It’s intended to be all in good fun but it almost always hurts the feelings of the other person in a minor way… and added up over time, it can make the teased spouse feel as if the other doesn’t respect them at all. This is something we are both constantly working to improve in our marriage, and I love the reminder of how important it is to show nothing but respect for your partner.

Overall I can say that this was one of the best marriage-focused books I have ever read. I enjoyed it enough that Mr. Garland and I have since ordered another of his books, a devotional Bible meant for couples to go through together daily. I’m excited to get started on it and I know that if it’s anything like this book we’ll get a lot from it!

What are your favorite marriage books? I’m always looking for new ones to add to my wish list!