Hellobee

Shortly after we moved here, there was an embarrassing incident where one of our kids refused to eat their food. A local mom friend was watching in amazement, so I asked her if local kids are ever picky about their food. She said that picky eaters simply don’t exist; that kids are hungry, so they will eat anything.

Then there was the year that our other kid threw a huge tantrum. From the looks on people’s faces, I’m guessing that the tantrum was the likes of which they had never seen. I asked one of the moms if they’d ever seen a tantrum like that, and she replied, ‘Never.’

Parenting in the Philippines has been a humbling experience. Parents in the Palawan province deal with widespread poverty, as the average household here makes $205/month. One local mom told me today that a number of the boys she knew started drinking in elementary school, and then dropped out. Many of the moms we know are single moms, and they often work 12-hour days to support their kids. A lot of moms have to move away from their kids to a tourist town, so that they can earn enough to send money home. Meanwhile, their kids live back at the family home and are raised by their grandmothers.

Learning more about parenting here really put my own parenting experience in some serious perspective. So I asked a few local parents if they’d be willing to share more about their experiences and they all agreed. There were all so warm and friendly and happy to share. For this post I talked to three moms and one dad: the moms were M (21), S (23), and J (28) and the dad was A (44). I compiled their answers below. There is a middle class here, and definitely an upper class in cities like Manila, but poverty is prevalent in Palawan.

What does parenthood look like in the Philippines?

Most women have their first child between the ages of 16-20 (high school ends at 15). There are many young single mothers here and when I asked why, the main reason they stated was not being able to afford birth control. However the family unit is very close here, with most people living on this island their entire lives, so there is a lot of support from immediate and extended family in caring for children. Often older siblings raise their younger ones while their parents work.

New parents usually live at home with their own parents until they get married, and typically marry after having kids.

Rice paddies and beautiful forests line the drive between El Nido and Puerto Princesa, the island capital

I had a great talk with A (the only dad) on a 5-hour drive down from Puerto Princesa to El Nido, and he mentioned that he got married much later than his friends: when he was 30 years old! Because he married so “late,” he’s now the only one of his friends that isn’t a grandfather yet (he’s now 44). Many of the grandparents we know here are in their early 40s.

What does life look like for working moms/dads?

Most people in Palawan are farmers so there aren’t many job opportunities in rural areas. Many moms, and particularly single moms, live away from their children to work in cities like El Nido (population<40k) where jobs are more readily available. Grandmothers typically raise the grandchildren while single moms work. Past generations had much larger families, with 8+ kids, so they raise their younger kids along with their grandchildren. This current generation tends to have much smaller families, most with 2-3 kids.

The typical work week here is brutal: 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Certain big holidays are paid time off like Christmas, New Year’s, All Saint’s Day and Independence Day, but vacations are typically unpaid. Working moms who live away from their kids either live at their work site or pay for a boarding house (in downtown El Nido it costs ~1500 pesos/month or $32 US). They see their families on Sundays if they live close enough, which is their one day off a week.

This can lead to some heartbreaking situations. S’s son has been raised by his grandmother while she works, and he actually thought that his grandmother was his mother. He assumed that his biological mom was his sister and when she came home on Sundays after working all week to support him, he would call her “ate” (which means “big sister”). Then one day, someone in his family got mad and told him, “You’re not a member of this family!” He went crying to his grandma, who confirmed that his big sister was really his mom. Now he calls both his mom and his grandma “mama.”

M, S and J’s moms all take care of their children while they work. S is lucky that she “only” lives one hour away and can take the bus home on Sundays. J’s home is 12 hours and 2 bus rides away, so often she cannot afford the trip home to see her 7 year old son. The cost (over 1000 pesos or $20 USD roundtrip) is just too high, and the trip takes too long. M is luckiest of all: she grew up in the tourist town of El Nido, so she never had to move away from her child. She lives a 5 minute walk away from work, so she goes home at lunchtime to breastfeed her son, and then goes home every evening.

“A” works as a driver driving a van packed with tourists from the provincial capital of Puerto Princesa to El Nido (and back). Six days a week, he drives 5-7 hours one way and then he drives with more tourists back, making his days 15 hours+ long. He is a native Palaweno and as hard as his 90-hour weeks are, he said that things are much better thanks to the tourism industry. When he was a kid, he would walk to school with no shoes. He couldn’t afford to buy a backpack, so his mom wove him one from coconut leaves in the shape of a bag. When it would rain, he would put his coconut leaves backpack under his tee shirt and run as fast as he could so that his books wouldn’t get wet because he didn’t have an umbrella! His dad died when he was young and his mom raised 10 kids alone, and he said he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he thought back to his difficult childhood.

Single moms, and parents in general, work hard to be able to send their children to school and pay for school supplies. We see a number of local children here that don’t attend school because their families cannot afford the monthly tuition.

Water buffaloes are a common sight as they work on rice paddies

What type of prenatal care is available?

Prenatal care is available at local public clinics. Monthly checkups are provided throughout the pregnancy for a very small donation (~50 pesos or $1). At 3 and 5 months you get to hear the heartbeat, and at 6 and 7 months you get an ultrasound. The clinic also provides prenatal vitamins, and has affordable birth control options like birth control pills and depo provera. But many people don’t get birth control, because waits at the clinic are long and many people only get one day off a week (Sunday). So many people go to church instead, or just don’t go at all – especially if the clinic is a long way from their home.

What does childbirth look like?

Public services like ambulances are not widely available throughout Palawan province. S was pregnant with identical twins, but the first twin didn’t survive. An ambulance eventually arrived to the clinic she was at, but it was already too late. She thought that if she had given birth in a hospital in the island capital of Puerto Princesa, they probably would have been able to save her first son. The second twin was born four hours later.

Historically most women gave birth at home and many still do, but it also depends where you live in Palawan. While there are still many home births, women are increasingly giving birth in local public clinics. J lives in a rural area far from any city so she gave birth at home with a midwife that cost 1800 pesos ($38 US). S lives an hour from El Nido in a more rural part of the island, so she gave birth at her neighborhood clinic. M lives in El Nido, a major city with roads, and she drove 2 hours to a hospital in TayTay, the second largest city in Palawan.

Epidurals are not available here and while giving birth at a clinic is affordable, you have to pay for any other medications used throughout your labor. Episiotomies are very common. After you give birth at a clinic or hospital, you typically go home the next day with 5 pain pills. Everyone volunteered that the pain pills were not very strong.

What does maternity leave look like?

Maternity leave is a huge topic on Hellobee, with Americans envious of Canadian/European maternity leave policies. While there are maternity leave laws on the books in the Philippines that provide 6 weeks maternity leave, anecdotally they are not practiced in Palawan. Most pregnant moms quit work around their eighth month of pregnancy, take time off and then find a new job. Because breastfeeding is the norm, moms try to stay home as long as they can, but many must return to work by the 6 month mark or earlier.

What about breastfeeding and formula feeding?

Everyone breastfeeds here and doctors recommend that you breastfeed for 2 full years. When I asked whether moms here ever had problems with breastfeeding, they said not really. Usually new moms are living at home with their own mothers, who have had many children and may even still be breastfeeding their youngest children. I often see women breastfeeding in public, and I even saw one mom breastfeeding her baby on a moving scooter! (She was a passenger, not the driver.) Breastfeeding is very common and accepted, and if moms live close to their work sites, they often go home to nurse their child at lunchtime and return to work.

What about the other big milestones?

Mothers cosleep with their children until about 7, so there is no such thing as sleep training, especially with large extended families typically residing in one home. Babies wear disposable diapers, and potty training typically happens sometime between 2-3 years old. Solids are started at 6 months, with foods similar to rice cereal and porridge. Public pre-school begins at 4 years of age.

What does your home look like?

M – Rents a 4 bedroom home in El Nido. 8 people reside there: M, her husband, her 1 1/2 year old son, her parents, and her 3 siblings.

Modern conveniences: Electricity, fan, tv with dvd player, a house-adjacent well, refrigerator, stove, and a cell phone. She drinks filtered water, not well water.

S – Lives in her parents’ 4 bedroom home that her father built entirely himself an hour away from El Nido. 10 people reside there: S, her parents, her 3 1/2 year old son, and her 6 younger siblings.

Modern conveniences: Solar electricity 8 hours/day + small generator, fan, tv with dvd player, a deep well a distance away, no fridge/stove (cooks with charcoal + wood), and a smartphone. She drinks well water.

Because S’s family runs a farm, they eat the produce and animals they raise. Should they need to refrigerate anything, they can use the local government’s 5 refrigerators for 50 pesos (~$1 USD) for 3 days.

We pump well water into these water storage containers and use the water to wash dishes, shower, and do the laundry

Do children have access to children’s books?

S has 8 siblings, and she said her family currently has 5 children’s books. These books had been passed down over the past 25 years from generation to generation. Most families have no children’s books. There is never enough time or money to go around to pay for extras like books, toys, and clothes. The work day is very long, plus S’s family has a farm and her father also does carpentry part-time to earn extra income. S’s mother watches her 6 younger children as well as S’s son.

Locals here typically do not have children’s books in the home and do not read to their children. The only libraries that exist are the ones in public schools, where you can borrow books for 3 days.

What do the children do there for fun?

Many children here play with their siblings and cousins and things found in nature. Children enjoy going to the beach and the river, though those that live inland don’t get to go frequently. But when you live on a farm, as many do, there is usually something interesting going on.

Most kids have no toys at all. On birthdays or Christmas, kids often get a special meal served like roast pig or spaghetti (but no gifts). However the 7th and 18th birthdays are big for girls in Filipino culture, and M said those were the only two years she received gifts throughout her entire childhood. Most Filipinos are Catholic, and churches often gift things like clothing or food to children on Christmas.

Once kids start attending school, they take regular field trips with the school to the beach, park, museum, other cities, etc. and participate in a wide range of activities. Lunch is not served at school, so you often see young children walking home at mid day to eat lunch.

Is children’s safety a big concern?

Because young kids often play unsupervised, parents are very concerned about them getting hit by passing scooters or cars. This is a big fear of mine as well, but generally I think Filipinos tend to be pretty good and careful drivers. S has been driving a scooter since she was 9 years old!

Virtually no one wears helmets here, and it is a common sight to see a one-year-old child holding onto a scooter’s handlebars by themselves in front of their parent. On the drive from El Nido to Puerto Princesa, I also saw lots of people sitting on top of public buses because that is one of the cheapest ways to travel.

Does picky eating exist?

Most kids here eat everything! They eat 3 meals a day consisting of rice, meat, and vegetables. Snacks are given sparingly because they are pricey, maybe a couple times a week. One of the local kids’ favorite snacks is a slice of bread with any kind of spread on it.

Picky eating mostly exists among the children of the wealthy, who love eating things like hot dogs, pasta, and bread.

Ranga ranga is a local delicacy that locals catch in shallow waters. It tastes like squid, though I haven’t tried it yet, but I have caught them!

How are Filipino and American children similar and different?

The biggest difference, according to the moms I interviewed, is that American children have everything they want — from food to books to toys to art supplies, and an abundance of it. Filipinos here have to budget for every single purchase because they live from paycheck to paycheck. Birthday gifts are extremely rare, and if given they’re often something practical like clothes, purchased secondhand. Even quality time with parents is a luxury.

Filipino children tend to be independent because they play unsupervised from a young age and have older siblings and cousins looking out for them. They’re also generally more extroverted and chatty, and will easily talk to strangers, both locals and foreigners.

Filipino children throw tantrums like American children over things like toys, but in my opinion they’re generally better behaved. They love many of the same things that American children love like toy cars, swimming, and sweets.

How are Filipino and American parents similar and different?

American parents are much more health conscious. They’re much more diligent about their kids washing hands frequently, and the nutritional content of what their children eat. American parents also have much more time for their kids, whether it’s spending quality time with them or reading. Filipinos tend to be stricter with food than Americans and don’t cater to a child’s palate. Everyone in the family eats the same food. As far as discipline it seems similar day to day, but many Filipino fathers practice spanking and corporal punishment.

What is the hardest part of being a mom in the Philippines?

The resounding consensus was that hardest part of being a Filipino parent in this area was not making enough money to provide everything they want for their children. Whether it was toys or educational opportunities, the parents all want to support their children in the futures they want, and want them to lead better and more successful lives than their own. But it is very difficult to break out of the poverty cycle, especially when you’re a young single mom.

Just to end on a fun question… what is your favorite food? 

Everyone picked traditional Filipino dishes: pancit, chicken adobo, and chicken tinola. Kids’ favorite foods included spaghetti and bread.

Our DIY grill made by cutting an empty can of cooking oil, filling it with sand, then charcoal, and placing a grill on top. This is what most locals use to cook. We grill chicken every Friday (recipe coming soon!).

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If you have any additional questions, feel free to leave them in the comments. Thanks so much to M, J, S, and A for sharing so much of their lives with us!