When I imagined myself giving birth, I pictured looking into my baby’s eyes for the first time and feeling an immediate bond. I’ve read and heard so much about the rush of emotions you get when you meet your baby for the first time, and just knew it would be the same for me.
Truthfully, it was nothing like that.
I felt so many things when Baby P was placed on my chest for the first time. I felt relief that she was healthy and that labor was over; I felt happy that I finally had my baby; I felt grateful that she was mine; I was in awe of her little features; I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen; and I was more exhausted than I had ever been in my life. However, I didn’t really feel connected to her immediately.
A couple of days after we came home from the hospital I had a little bit of a breakdown. I don’t know what brought it on, maybe my hormones were crashing. I was sobbing to Mr. P because I felt so guilty. I thought that the second Baby P was born that I was supposed to connect with her, but I felt like she was a stranger.
I felt like an absolutely horrible mother. I wondered that if she had my DNA if I would have felt differently. I wondered if we had made the wrong decision in adopting. I thought if the donors knew how I was feeling in that moment, that they would regret ever giving Mr. P and me their embryos. I felt like someone was going to come take her away from me. And I was scared that what I was feeling meant I didn’t love her. Everything going through my head made me think I couldn’t be a good mother to her, the kind of mother she deserved. I was a mess.
Later that night I sat in bed holding Baby P. She was staring up at me with such a serious expression, like she was studying my face. I stared back down at her, tears flowing once more, and felt the start of something. It was like a little seed was planted inside of me and from there it grew.
As the days went on I could tell our bond was deepening. Of course she wasn’t a stranger. She was the same baby that had relentlessly kicked my ribs for months. She was the same baby that hiccuped daily in the womb, and continued to do so on the outside. She was, and is, and always will be mine.
A recent picture of Baby P. Who couldn’t love this precious face?
Love came slowly for me. Even though it’s hard to admit, I know now that’s ok. Today we have such a strong bond. I love her with a fierceness that I can’t even begin to explain. She can’t yet say it back, but I think she loves me too.
kiwi / 635 posts
Thank you for this post – I felt the same way (minus the concerns over not sharing DNA) and and I feel it isn’t mentioned enough that it can be totally normal!
grapefruit / 4817 posts
I felt the same way. And it actually took me weeks to feel much more than a strong need to protect and care for him. I was really miserable those first 12 weeks, and I think much of it began because I was so upset about how little love I really felt forhim those first couple of weeks. I was too overwhelmed to feel much of anything, honestly. And it sucked because none of my friends seemed to have that issue with their babies, and everyone else acted like I was a terrible mother because of it. I eventually just stopped talking about it. So thanks for writing this, because I know there’s a lot of us out there and I don’t think we should have to be ashamed!
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
This is exactly what it was like for me too. I kept expecting that rush of love everyone talks about when Xander was placed on me after birth, but all I felt was just relief that labor was over, pain because I still had to push out the placenta, and confusion about my own emotions.
When we were finally home, I just felt overwhelmed and like maybe we had made a huge mistake. I didn't feel love at all. All I felt was this overwhelming obligation to this little person and a huge sense of responsibility. I cried ALL THE TIME and dreaded the day my husband returned to work and I would be left at home with Xander by myself.
Around 8 weeks, things just started to click and I realized at some point, I had fallen in love with him. And that love has only grown and grown the longer I know him.
Hugs to you, Mama. Not enough people share these very real feelings. I thought someone was wrong with me that I didn't feel that rush of love from the get-go, but needing time to really bond with your baby is so normal!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
oh i totally did not have that rush of love that some people have. and the first few weeks i was such a hot mess and LO was colicky that i’m not sure we bonded until much, much, much later. like, a few months later. there, i said it.
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
So many hugs momma. With both of my kids I didn’t feel that super deep connection until they smiled at me the first time. You are not alone, and you are an amazing mom!
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Agreed! Same for when we breastfed, everyone was raving about this deep connection and I didn’t feel it. I was definitely in awe of my lil man, but it wasn’t until a bit later that i started feeling that deep connection with him. Now, omg, we’re like two peas in a pod. Love him to pieces and I know he loves me too!
pomegranate / 3127 posts
You’re not alone! I had that instant connection with my oldest, but not with my youngest. I don’t really know why, I can only guess. It took me some six weeks to bond with her, poor baby! Now she’s five months and sometimes I still feel I have to work harder at being connected to her – but the bond is there.
pomelo / 5084 posts
@Alivoo01: YES. I expected not to feel immediately bonded because I had never been around babies and it was all so foreign to me. I was surprised that I did feel it at the hospital BUT I have not with nursing. I feel … nothing but stress, really, that he is latching correctly and getting enough, etc. Feeding him a bottle v. nursing is no different in my mind. I’m like hey! Where is my oxytocin everyone promised?! Lol.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
@danda: @BananaPancakes: @Adira: @edelweiss: @Mrs. Lion: @Alivoo01: @Mama Bird: thank you all for your comments! It’s always so nice to know that you aren’t alone.
pomelo / 5258 posts
I felt similarly. A week or so after LO was born I was writing about my feelings in her baby book. I read what I wrote and it didn’t seem like what a new mom should say. So I added ‘Total love’ to the end of what I wrote. Then I cried because I knew it was a lie. The love came but not until weeks later.
guest
I’m sure there are people who feel the immediate connection, I don’t deny that. But most people I’ve had this conversation with have fessed up to not feeling it and some even have said they said they did anyway because they felt like they were supposed to have experienced something in that first moment. So I’m convinced way more people don’t feel it than it seems and maybe that we’re not the minority it can feel we are.
I didn’t feel it with either of my kids until sometime around 5-6 weeks, and then it kept growing until the 3-4 month mark where I finally really felt like their mommy with a bursting heart of love for them, and not just a caretaker of someone else’s baby. I think the 6-ish week mark is probably common because that’s when they start interacting and smiling and showing some personality? That’s at least what I think helped it “set in” for both mine, at least.
guest
I am seriously considering adopting or using donated embryos – just curious – do you think the reason you didn’t immediately bond with your babies was because they were not your own DNA or was it just the stress of having a new baby – I worry about that
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
@Amanda: I do think it was the stress of having a new baby. Some of my lingering insecurities about my choice could have been at play though. Since Baby P is my only child I can’t be 100% sure. I can tell you that the overwhelming majority of EDA moms I know experience that love at first sight moment. I can also tell you that today we are completely bonded. She is very attached to me and I am to her, too. I love her so, so much. She scoots across the room to get to where I am and reaches her arms up for me. It’s seriously heart melting. I have no regrets or doubts about the way she was conceived.
I’m in a secret embryo donation group on Facebook for women where I get lots of feedback and support about all kinds of topics, including attachment. I’d be happy to add you if you’re interested. Also, if you have any other questions please ask.
guest
Hi Mrs. Pickle – I have decided to move on to embryo donation and I’d love to be part of your FB group – can you tell me how to join?
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
Hi Amanda! I can send you an email.