I really enjoy being pregnant. I love having a bump and the empowering feeling of growing a child makes me feel incredibly strong. I’m one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get morning sickness and generally feels pretty good for those first 20 weeks. My symptoms towards the end of pregnancy are all very typical — severe heartburn, back pain, difficulty sleeping, peeing constantly, swelling, and like most women, I’m just DONE with it by the last few weeks.
I consider myself extremely blessed to have had two healthy pregnancies. I had back surgery in 2011 for a ruptured disc and almost lost all feeling in my left leg, so I was worried about carrying my babies and having another disc give out. I ended up in physical therapy during my second pregnancy because of some nerve issues, but even with the back pain I would not say my pregnancies were physically more difficult than the average pregnancy.
Something that did make my pregnancies difficult was my anxiety. I’ve always been the worrier of the family and an overall anxious person I was on medication for anxiety when I was in high school and that helped a lot. In recent years I’ve used herbal remedies like St. John’s wort, Vitamin D, and other supplements when I’ve felt like things were getting out of hand. Unfortunately, I could not seem to shake this latest surge of anxiety that began during my pregnancy with Chip and I’ve recently started medication again. Thankfully I’ve been feeling a lot better!
My ever present anxiety gets way worse with pregnancy hormones because what begins as a normal concern ends up snowballing into full-blown detrimental panic. With my first pregnancy I worried daily about giving birth. I read birth story after birth story, I attended classes, and it was pretty much all I thought about. I really dislike not being in control and if there is one thing that never goes to plan, it’s labor and delivery!
We go camping as a family every June and I was due with Crumb at the end of July. I was so worried about going into labor while camping (I was 35 weeks and about 1.5 hours away from my hospital) that I could not even enjoy the trip. I worried about getting too much sun, too much swelling, and eating this or that. I worried about having to walk to the bathroom outside in the dark for my FIVE nightly visits and falling or hurting the baby. I worried about starting labor and not making it back to my hospital in time. My list was never-ending. While I can’t say camping in the third trimester is fun, I will say it went fine, bathroom trips and all. And I didn’t end up going into labor until 39 weeks.
Pregnancy with Crumb
With my second pregnancy I focused all my anxiety on keeping my Crumb healthy. This time, I was due in early March and had to endure a long Minnesota winter full of illness before my due date arrived. I was so worried about my son getting sick and then me getting sick that I cut back drastically on our play dates and excursions. I avoided family members like the plague if they had a slight cough, and I washed my son’s and my hands until they were cracked. I could not fall asleep most nights for fear of waking up to my son vomiting in his crib (which had already happened and I was convinced would happen again).
Where did all that anxiousness and loss of sleep get me? We still had two stomach bugs and one long cold virus hit our household this past winter. Answer: worrying got me nowhere Now that I’m almost six months postpartum, I’m finally feeling like myself again and my anxiety level has gone down to a normal level thanks to Chip sleeping better at night and my new meds.
Anxiety is a thief of happiness and I definitely do my best worrying about the things in life I cannot control. I’ll probably always wash my kids’ hands an obsessive amount of times in the winter, but I am really trying to lighten up and be present in each moment instead of dreading or fearing the worst. I know I’m not alone in feeling anxious during pregnancy or motherhood. Worrying is just part of the job description but it’s so hard to enjoy daily life when it’s all you do.
Did you feel more anxious while pregnant? postpartum? always?
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
I had mild general anxiety, nothing too serious. I suffered from a bit of PPA the second time around. Bad enough where I would have benefitted from some help but mild enough that it passed on its own. I’m glad you are doing what you need to do to be mentally healthy.
I’ve always wanted to try St. John’s Wort (for anxiety and some sever PMS issues I have) but am never sure if it would actually work…did you really feel like it helped?
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@Mrs. Sunshine: Hmm, no, I would say St. John’s Wort didn’t seem to help much for me either! Glad your PPA passed!
apricot / 358 posts
I seriously could have written this post! Thank you for sharing…it helps me feel less crazy!
Seriously though, I feel like I never had anxiety before becoming pregnant and having babies. I’m not sure what triggered it, as I’ve had two healthy pregnancies and now have two beautiful, healthy boys. I think deep down I have a fear of losing them…I love them more than anything and feel incredibly blessed to be their mom- and I’m scared to have it taken away, I guess.
I followed all the rules (and then some!) with both pregnancies and also avoided people like the plague. Even now, the thought of going to a museum (all the touching and hands-on activities) or having a playdate makes my skin crawl. I force myself to for my kiddos, but deep inside, I really hate it. And winter? UGH! Constant hand washing here!
But like you, I’m seeking help. I do see a therapist, and while it’s helping a bit, I think it’ll get more manageable if I start on meds (which I’ve been putting off since I’m still nursing). It’s seriously a daily struggle and I’m really thankful my husband is trying to be as supportive as he can be. It’s hard since he has no idea what it’s like, but just knowing I can talk to him about it makes me feel a lot better.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
I basically spent every single day of all of my pregnancies worried sick. This is the number one reason we would not have another child, because I am so terrified to be pregnant again and have to worry like that for 9 months.
My worry actually extends to the first 6 months or so after giving birth too, where I worry about SIDS and a variety of other things. It’s rough.
blogger / apricot / 389 posts
Anxiety is definitely the beast I contend with most often. They say depression is spending lots of time in the past, and anxiety is spending lots of time in the future. I always tend to focus on the future and what-if’s and can easily spin out of control. Maintaining presence is a daily goal!
I find Rescue Remedy has helped me immensely during pregnancy! If I feel it creeping in, I take one and it’s very helpful. It’s only during big hormonal episodes that it has taken me to bad places, but thankfully my husband is really great at grounding me in those moments (he’s super practical).
I also find that journalling and self-care is just absolutely crucial to my mental health. If I find anxiety is getting to be a part of my daily problems, I need to spend some dedicated time journalling and it usually helps.
That said, you worried about childbirth – and my looming worry is about postpartum and recovering, managing my return to work and my hormones. I have said, if these are pregnancy hormones, what will be the postpartum hormones be like?!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@ustechie: my husband also doesn’t truly get it but he is incredibly supportive and a great listener thankfully. Glad you are seeking help and hope things only get better!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@Mrs. Cereal: I’ve been following your posts on this subject, it’s been helpful to read. Hugs to you!
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
@Mrs. Marshmallow: We used to use rescue remedy for our dog, didn’t know there was a people kind! Or is it the same thing?
Love that quote about anxiety being living in the future, that is me!
Postpartum hormones are pretty crazy but luckily you have this amazing child to care for you who will keep snapping you back into the present moment.
guest
I have always struggled with anxiety but it was HORRIBLE with both pregnancies. First of all, the loss of control of my body was difficult. I had to focus on being mindful and trying not to panic or over think the physical changes I was experiencing. I also had pre-ecclampsia with both boys. With my first I had a terrifying induction which led to emergency c-section and PTSD. After that I was able to over come it all and really wanted another baby. I got pregnant easily again but this time my blood pressure immediately got high. The feeling of high blood pressure mimics the feeling of my panic attacks and therefore it was a terrible cycle that I suffered from many times in the pregnancy. Luckily that baby was born at 37 weeks with a relaxing, scheduled c-section. However I will not be having more kids due to these issues. Thank you for sharing, I often feel very alone with anxiety over pregnancy.