Hellobee

I found out over Thanksgiving I am going to become an aunt; Mr. Chocolate’s brother and his wife are expecting! The news was quite a buzz for the family, and as silly as it might seem it didn’t even dawn on me that this would mean I would become an aunt; I was concentrating more on the idea that my kids would have a cousin to play with. The concept of siblings is still kind of new for me since I am an only child, but after realizing I am about to become an aunt, I got rather excited about the idea. This will be the first kid, not born from me, to enter our family and I am excited at the idea of being able to dote on a baby but also get to hand it back when it fusses. Also, I think being an aunt means that I get to be a little bit more relaxed and fun in some ways other than being a parent.

When Mr. Chocolate and I got home that night I immediately started to look online at all the adorable new baby things. I wanted to get baby something for Christmas and was wondering if I should get my sister-in-law something to celebrate this new exciting point in her life, when I realized what I was doing. My sister-in-law is a set designer for plays, an accomplished artist, a wine lover, loves restoring furniture, adores baking, and so much more, and here I was erasing all of that simply because she was pregnant and going to become a mother. My sister-in-law is going to become a mother, but that didn’t mean she had to lose all of herself as well.

Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I never had a great relationship with my parents and my family was small. My mother was and is a workaholic to this day, and I wanted to have things I didn’t have as a child like a parent to greet me when I got off the bus and siblings to play with all day long. So I dreamt of the day I could be at home with my own children. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mother and that was the primary focus of my life growing up. After college, I worked in several offices but never felt like I was committed to a certain career path. Eventually, I ended up becoming a nanny which suited me much better, but isn’t what I would classify as a career as well. As our family grew, I slowly transitioned out of even babysitting and became what I had always wanted to be, a stay at home mom.

When you become a parent it literally consumes you. I think it’s hard not to once you are entrusted with a precious life and soon find that instead of talking about the latest movies, your daily life revolves around the feeding, sleeping, and bathroom needs of another person. Being a parent is all out demanding and you truly have to sacrifice your time, energy, sleep, and even to some degree your personhood of who you were before kids. Careers are put on hold, even if just for twelve weeks, spontaneous weekend trips are gone, and who has time for hobbies. In so many ways things have to be sacrificed on the alter of parenthood, even if it’s only temporarily, but the positive side is all the ways your life changes for the better too because of it. Raising a child is an amazing experience to behold. To be able to see the world through those fresh eyes gives us a new perspective past our own jaded views. Recreating moments from our own childhood bring back memories and nostalgia in such a bittersweet way. Watching a person develop their own personality, interests, and ideas is a way to get to know a brand new friend. Parenthood takes a lot from us but it also rewards us tenfold in experiences and moments we would never have without our children.

Still, it can take time to adjust, even if we know the rewards are amazing. It’s hard to lose a sense of who you are as an individual and who you were before parenthood took over. I would be lying if I said being a stay at home was everything I had thought it would be when I was a kid. It’s a lot harder than I could have ever fathomed, and I also surprisingly do not enjoy being with my children every single moment of my life. But it’s obviously rewarding, fulfilling, and I couldn’t imagine my life without my kids.

My identity in many ways wasn’t as solid as some other people’s might have been. I had built my life to be marching toward the goal of parenthood. I realize as my children are all growing up, starting school and working toward their own paths of independence, how lost I feel now that they don’t need me as much. Feeling engrossed in motherhood with young children gave me a sense of purpose, as well as an excuse to not have to think about who I was on my own. I relished the idea of being Drake’s mother instead of Mrs. Chocolate, but soon I am going to have to face the world again as just me without my children to define my role in life, and I am scared of that prospect. My identity for all these years has been a build up to this stage but what after that? I wrestle with this in my heart and mind daily as Drake and Juliet catch their buses and Fiona is taking her first steps toward her own path of independence.

My sister-in-law might face these same feelings I have had through these last six years. Who am I? Where is the person I was? And eventually, who am I going to be after this season of my life is over? I realized that in my fears of losing my own identity in motherhood, I was almost burying hers before she even got off the starting line. Being a mother is an important role, but it also should be a facet of an ever dynamic person. My sister-in-law is all of those things I listed before, even as she adds a new role to her life. In time I know she might feel that person is gone, and it’s true that person will be changed after going through the trials of fire parenthood lays for us all, but being changed also doesn’t mean lost.

So after some thought, I decided that instead of celebrating the coming baby I would instead focus on the wonderful gift I have in my sister-in-law herself and got her a massage gift card instead so she can pamper herself before the great adventure begins.