Both Mr. Starfish and I come from divorced parents and it’s fair to say that we are overly sensitive about the state of our relationship at any given time. We’ve now been together for 14 years and our relationship has had its share of ups and downs, and I am definitely not one to say that marriage is a tale of “happily ever after.” It requires a lot of work and patience and compromise and time, and it’s not always easy and fun and romantic.
While we waited for our girls’ births, we had some discussions about what we wanted our marriage to look like post-kids. We both agreed that we needed to put each other first and the kids second. That might sound harsh, but having watched both of our parents’ marriages break down, we know first-hand the intense pain that accompanies divorce for children. Wanting to shield them from that particular pain, we view the task of keeping our marriage intact and healthy as important not only for the two of us but also for our kids.
About one year in to parenting, I think we recently had the first breakdown in this priority list. The month of April was so crazy for our family. Both Mr. Starfish and I had many work travel obligations, and there were two weeks of the month when we both were traveling, and our time at home once overlapped for only about 12 hours. We also had lots of family visitors that took up nearly all of our free time on the weekends. On top of all of that, our girls hit 10 and 11 months and having recently learned to crawl, they became much more of a handful than they previously were.
All of this stress bubbled over for me on one recent evening after the girls went to bed. I totally lost my cool because Mr. Starfish was looking at his phone and not paying any attention to me. Ok, maybe saying that “I lost my cool” really doesn’t do justice to my reaction that night. I threw a little temper tantrum the likes of which any two-year-old would be impressed.
Being a mostly even-tempered individual, whenever I have these sorts of outbursts I am forced to reflect on why. Why did I yell and stomp and huff and puff that night, and go to bed so angry that I couldn’t even sleep? Well, I determined that I was feeling lonely and frustrated that whatever or whoever was on Mr. Starfish’s phone was more interesting to him than me. I was sick of talking to him only about our responsibilities (kids, work, family visits) and missing out on deeper conversations about us and me and him. Really, I just missed my husband.
The upside to this ridiculous temper tantrum of mine was that it got me and Mr. Starfish talking again about our relationship. We quickly realized that we were putting everything but our marriage first. Work was crazy for both of us and required a lot of mind space; family was in from out of town and while it was nice to visit with them, it was taking away from our one-on-one time; and the girls were oh-so-adorable but also oh-so-needy!
We also realized that with both of us feeling so stretched, any extra ounce of energy that either of us could muster was going to the kids and not to each other. And as soon as we realized that, it rang alarm bells in our heads because this was exactly what we had promised a year ago that we would not let happen.
While I am proud that we identified the issue, and I view this as the first step to solving the issue, Mr. Starfish and I are struggling a little bit with how to get back to making each other our first priority. We are tired. We are overworked. We have very little time. Sometimes we get the girls to bed after a long day of work and childcare and all we want to do is escape into our phones or a TV show (and yes, I realize the hypocrisy of saying that I often escape into my phone while also getting so angry with Mr. Starfish for being on his phone!).
Apart from getting in to see our regular couple’s counselor again and re-starting designated date nights, we also think that getting away on our first vacation without the kids would be good for our relationship. Unfortunately, due to work commitments we likely can’t get away until the fall but still, it is helping me already just to think forward to dedicated alone time with my husband again.
What have you done to make your spouse a priority? Please tell me that I’m not alone with this conflict, and that you’ve had a similar temper tantrum!
guest
My husband and I are raising his three kids–their mother passed away–so we have never had much “alone time” together. We get a date night maybe once every few months. But we do two things that keeps us close and makes it work:
1. We spend every night together after 8:30 pm (when the kids go to bed). Sometimes we actually do something together, like watch a TV show or talk, but often we both just lie in bed next to each other reading or using our devices but occasionally showing each other something or just giving a hug. I get very cranky if we don’t get our together time every day!
2. We snuggle each other every night and morning for a few minutes, and we never ever ever say no to snuggles even if one person isn’t really in the mood.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
I think is so, so normal in a post-kids marriage. We definitely have to have reality checks now and then like you guys seem to have just gone through. We definitely need to be better about date nights. I honestly can’t even tell you the last time we had one that wasn’t for a work function, etc. Something that has been fantastic for our relationship every time we’ve done this is to get away with no kids. Sometimes, that means one night in a local hotel because it’s all we can manage due to work commitments and and the ability to find childcare, but we also try to take a longer kids-free trip every 2-3 years. Nothing makes us reconnect and feel more like “us” than when we can have at least 24 or so hours just with the two of us. I hope you get to take your trip this fall and find some good ways to reconnect until then!
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
This is totally what we’ve been going through. We were just like you guys… Talked extensively about putting our marriage first, but so much easier said than done. Recently we kinda went on a downward spiral b/c DD2 wasn’t sleeping well, then I got sick, then the kids got sick, then we had people over 3 days in a roll… So all of my free time I used either sleeping, putting someone to sleep, or cleaning up. And I so agree that the first step is to recognize we need to work on our marriage, but we too are just so tired sometimes to do anything about it. Having a date day/night is virtually impossible right now, so I think we really need to consciously make a point to spend time together at night. I think if we divvy up all the chores to get them done asap, then I was thinking about getting a special snack every night to look forward to (wine, beer, ice-cream, whatever) and share that together while talking or watching tv… And I think it’s just small things like kiss/hug each other often, etc but when you are so sleep deprived it’s hard to remember, esp the small things!
kiwi / 702 posts
Do you work close to each other? DH and I did some fancy lunch dates which were really fun and then we didn’t have to deal with childcare. It was a real treat since neither of us ever go out to lunch during the work day. Just another alternative to consider….but yes can totally relate. Thanks for sharing this post!
guest
I think this is really normal and I don’t think it gets easier as they get older. We don’t get a lot of date nights but we try to plan special occasions every so often. We have not taken a trip without the kids yet (1 and 3) but I think we might this fall/winter. It’s all about communication for us and just making sure we get to talk about the things we like as well. We do most of our “connecting” time after the kids go to bed and sometimes it is just watching TV but we are both OK with that.
Unfortunately my husband and I don’t work close together but I love that idea suggested above! We also sometimes just take a day off when the kids are at childcare and go to a movie and lunch. We don’t do it very often as we want our vacation days with the kids, but around Christmas and slow times at work we do that.
grapefruit / 4361 posts
A phrasing that DH & I use is that sometimes our relationship is on the “back burner” – meaning, it’s not our focus needing explicit intervention right now, but it IS important and it ISN’T forgotten and it will be back on the front burner before long. I also think that how we phrase things is very important and so I would struggle with guilt over “1st” and “2nd.” We also talk about remembering to so “face to face” activities instead of just “side by side” activities. I hope you can feel more “together” soon!
blogger / olive / 53 posts
I just read your post and immediately got online and booked a sitter through our service for this weekend. The struggle is real. I think part of it is when you are just trying to keep all the plates spinning, it’s easy to take for granted that the one spinning for 11 years together will never fall. But that mentality leads to tantrums, and I have had pleeeennnnty of those myself. Thanks for sharing!
pear / 1521 posts
I find the day to day connecting really hard. By the time our daughter is in bed I am so tired and just worn out from a day of interacting with other people that I just want to veg and do my own thing for a while (while my DH is on the couch next to me). I really don’t know how to balance my need for time to myself with our need to connect with each other.
One thing we do do though is to have dinner at the table pretty much every night with no tv/no phones.
pomelo / 5621 posts
Couple time is important. We don’t get out on our own very often. A couple months ago we hung a dartboard up downstairs. A few nights a week we will go down there after DS is in bed and play a couple games. It has really benefited our relationship. sometimes we just play and sometimes talk about things other than the day to day/parenting.
cherry / 237 posts
We do our dates over lunch, because finding time/sitters in the evening has not been as easy as taking advantage of time when both kids are at school/daycare. It’s fairly easy for us because of flexible work schedules, which I know not everyone has, but it works just as well as evening dates at giving us the time to reconnect!
guest
This is turning into a great list of comments of ways to connect! Most of the time sitting and watching TV might not feel like much of a connection. Some tricks that help us: putting away our phones, having a binge-worthy show that we are both invested in; as a special treat we sometime feed the kids a different dinner and then order ourselves some special take-out after they are in bed. It’s funny how at the surface, either way, we are sitting on the couch watching TV, but a little bit of *intention* completely changes the feeling.
We are both working parents and work relatively nearby each other in downtown Chicago. We do lunch dates, too. That can be really great for us because it’s so low stress since childcare is already accounted for. I’m going to schedule one right now!
My other thing is that I think it does get easier to connect more as the kids get a little older. I’ve always felt like the world narrows down to a tiny focus on my child and the bare necessities, like a pinhole vision. As they get older, have more skills, I gained confidence as a parent, etc., I’ve started to feel that I actually have a desire to stretch myself in other areas. I hope that makes sense. It’s happened as each of my girls turned 1, and again now that my youngest is turned 2. Our world is getting bigger again. Those things that were just blacked out around them are coming back into focus. You’ll get back to it. Hope this helps!
blogger / apricot / 439 posts
@Mrs. Blue: Thank you for reassuring me that this is normal. We are looking to do a hotel night mini-vacation just as you suggested!
@snowjewelz: Thank you for chiming in, I really like the idea of making nights in feel more special. I am going to brainstorm some ways to do that, maybe just ordering in our favorite Thai food would do wonders.
@Mrs. Pajamas: @kgbee: Yes, we do work close to each other and we’ve let lunches together slip through the cracks. Will definitely get these back on our priority list!
@DesertDreams88: Such a fantastic point and I really like saying “back burner” so much more than “first” and “second”. I was having a hard time writing the post actually because of that language, but couldn’t figure out how else to say it!
@Mrs. Tornado: Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one! Hope you have a great date this weekend!
@petitenoisette: We are trying so hard to put the phones away. It is like an addition, it’s so hard!!!
@ALV91711: That is a great idea. I’ve thought about playing a card game or something with him just to reconnect. I’ll add this one to my list of things to try!
I can’t thank all of you enough for your words and support. Thank you!
guest
Do you guys work close by? We’ve started doing lunch dates every week. It’s just us not st home where you are distracted, but doesn’t have to feel as special as a date night. Good opportunity to have a real check in for the week
pea / 7 posts
So I see this post is over a year old but marriage being a lifetime commitment and this could become an issue at another point in your relationship I figure I would share my insight….We are currently expecting LO number 5 between the two of us…He has 3 and I have 1, mind you they range in ages from 6 to 12 and are all on completely different schedules as far as coming/going between our home and their moms not to mention we are both law enforcement so our schedules are hectic as well. That being said alone time and/or date nights and things of the sort are very few in far between or non-existent. The one thing we did was make our bedroom a safe zone. All of our kiddos are well beyond co-sleeping and nightmares we have the occasional walk in after a knock due to a tummy issue but that is about it. For us our bedroom being a “safe zone” meant absolutely NO kids enter unless invited and we have pledged to not invite them in at all really, of course there are exceptions but general rule of thumb is no kiddos past the frame of our door. The kiddos haven’t really shown to be affected other than the occasional “oops I stepped in the room without being told to” but for us our room is somewhere we go to escape. It has became our own personal little vacation spot. It became where we go to just take a smidge of time for us. Considering schedules most of that consist of us falling into bed and me falling asleep to a movie we were trying to watch together. There are some nights I manage to make it through a movie or show, there are also nights we do the whole were on our phones but showing each other things and talking about what we see or our day or any other random thought that crosses our minds. My personal favorite though are the nights when were laying in total darkness and he brings up youtube and plays what I call the “hopeless romantic playlist” it consist of sweet songs that either we have sent each other to listen to or ones we know that just simply remind us of why we fell in love in the first place and how much we mean to each other (yes I know mushy, gushy, cheesy) but it’s that time that also really reminds us of the connection we share. No matter what we do whether it be mindlessly scrolling social media and still holding a conversation or me sleeping (most likely drooling) away on my pillow curled in his arms when I am supposed to be watching a movie with him, this time has become so important to the both of us I’m not sure why it took us so long to do this. I’m not sure what your kiddos sleeping schedule is like but maybe this idea will help you and SO feel connected a little easier/more often even through all the craziness life can bring.