At the end of November last year, I wrote a celebratory post. At a very ripe age of 4 and a half, my kid finally ditched the pacifier! I’d written extensively about Baby C’s pacifier use, but mostly in the context of her sleep issues – mainly, taking a very long time to settle down to sleep and going to bed very late. We had tried, failed, and gave up for years to be rid of the paci; until over Thanksgiving last year, it seemed that Baby C finally ditched it herself.
Except – I spoke too soon with that post. At the end of the week after Thanksgiving, I went to California to visit some friends, and my husband reported that Baby C was taking longer and longer to fall asleep without the pacifier. He had resisted giving it to her, and over the time I was gone, she was going to bed close to midnight, tossing and turning most of the time prior to finally giving in to sleep. We decided to wait it out some more, and gave it another few weeks, but, at the end of December, we finally gave up and gave in. Baby C would take hours to fall asleep, tossing and turning, talking nonstop, and getting upset about her inability to settle down, and we were miserable because we weren’t going to sleep while she was up.
I’ve long been a believer that kids grow out of comfort needs objects at their own pace, but the pacifier has been a thorn in my side, even though she was only using it to fall asleep at night, and then we’d take it out for the rest of the night. She had never really used the paci during the day, even as a baby, but it’s been a sleep crutch since she was tiny, especially with her tendency for hyperactivity toward the evening hours. As we crossed her 4th birthday, I thought for sure we’d be free of it that year (and frankly, I had told myself we better be, hell or high water, even though I’d made the same resolution after her 2nd and 3rd birthdays too). When she seemed to do without it naturally over Thanksgiving, we had declared victory, but her sleep biology hadn’t yet caught up enough for a complete surrender.
As we crossed into the new year, I spent some time doing some intentional monitoring of Baby C’s sleep – tracking her wake-up time, fall-asleep time, whether she napped that day, and who stayed with her at bedtime. For over a year, Baby C had been asking one of us to cuddle up with her until she’d fall asleep, and we’d do so happily, but Mr. Carrot tends to fall asleep almost as soon as lights are out, so he’s not as involved as I might be, with telling stories, lullabies, and more physical touch. We also shifted our schedules so that we were no longer waking her up an hour earlier than she was usually ready to wake up herself. I spent about a month tracking these variables, and what I found is that there really was only one pattern. If Baby C napped, it was inevitable that she wouldn’t go to sleep before 11 at the earliest, and it made no difference whether she had a pacifier or not, she would still take a long time to fall asleep. Same held true if I was out of town and not home for bedtime, which doesn’t happen often, but I happened to have a work trip come up, similar to my California trip back in December, and Baby C took significantly longer to fall asleep, even with the paci. Based on that data, we decided to just let it be with the pacifier. We wanted sleep for ourselves, and we wanted her to calm down rather than be stressed out about going to sleep and not being able to, and until she’s out of a mandatory nap environment, it’s a fight we didn’t want to fight.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, Baby C went to stay with my mom for a week, and my mom was resolute that there would be no pacifier. And lo and behold, we saw a repeat of six months ago. Baby C fell asleep perfectly fine without a pacifier all week. After we got home, we were determined to stay with the practice, and for the full week since we’ve been back, she’s fallen asleep without it just fine. The difference is still noticeable – it’s harder for her to wind down and to stop talking (the paci always seemed to be some kind of physical signal that it was time for sleep; she’d never actually asked for it). But having tracked her sleep for weeks with the pacifier, it became obvious that it really wasn’t doing much in terms of when she went to sleep; it only helped her not talk and toss and turn as much. We decided that we’d put the paci away officially, and do our best to help her calm down in other ways, since we’re laying down with her anyway. And now that she’s getting closer to 5, it’s also been a good opportunity to teach her some lessons in calming herself down. As we speak, Mr. Carrot is laying down with Baby C, but she wants mom and is talking up a storm, so I went into her room, reminded her about how we calm our bodies, visualize the “energy bubbles” coming out as we take deep breaths, and we think of good things to have good dreams. Mr. Carrot was rubbing her back as I slipped out, and it sounds like she’s close to dosing off soon.
In a couple of weeks, I have a business trip, and I anticipate that it might be a rough week for Mr. Carrot, since Baby C does tend to get anxious when I’m not home and have a harder time sleeping. But I also see signs of her system maturing and as we get into spring and more daylight and more opportunity for activity and as she naps less as well, I think we’ll be well on our way to more independent sleep.
If you’re still fighting the pacifier, just know that it will come eventually. I’ve worried about it all – dental issues, “crutch” issues, independence issues, all of it. And on the spectrum of timing for kicking the pacifier, Baby C is definitely at the top of end the curve. But I always believed it will happen eventually, and I wanted to write a post on this yet again to assure anyone like me, who kept Googling “pacifier use 4 year old” and freaking out over the recommendations, that it will be OK.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I know you must have been so stressed over this as it is so “taboo” to have a 4-5 year old with a pacifier! But I totally get that most kids need some kind of sleep crutch and hers just happen to be a paci. We so fortunately weaned just before DD1 turned 2; she happened to be sick and sucking/swallowing hurt her throat so we just rode that wave and never looked back
She is almost 3.5 and she is super attached to her lovey that I introduced around 4-6 months!
Also, dropping her nap when she started preschool (a little before she turned 3), was huge for no more sleep battles period. She is so tired she conks out within 10 minutes and she goes to bed at 8. So dropping the nap has actually been our biggest victory in terms of sleep!
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
Since you can’t make daycare stop with the naps, are you putting her to bed at 11 every night?
guest
Thanks for this! My 4 year old is in the same boat. I keep telling myself he won’t go to college with a binky…
nectarine / 2690 posts
LO turned 2 today and we haven’t weaned her off the pacifier yet, and I’ve been stressing. So, thank you for this. I know she won’t be going to elementary school with a pacifier, but I still worry. I feel like I’m being judged about it already! But, there are seriously so many other things to worry about, that I try not to think about this one too much.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Grace: Honestly, pretty much, yeah. Napping has gotten less frequent for her, so most nights she falls asleep between 9:30 and 10:15ish, but there are definitely nights like last night when it takes until 11:30, which sadly isn’t unusual. We try to have her in bed by 9:30 for consistency’s sake, especially since we don’t always know whether she did nap or not (her teachers are only occasionally there when we pick up and kiddo is not the most reliable narrator), but there are definitely nights when she’s clearly wide awake at 10:30, like last night, and we’re still muddling through how to best utilize that time so that she’s staying calm and geared toward sleep but also isn’t feeling super frustrated by not being able to fall asleep.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@snowjewelz: the naps are our biggest issue, honestly. Thankfully they don’t happen super often, and this is one area where I really can’t wait for her to go to kindergarten and just be done with the whole nap thing. I get why our pre-K does it, but it’s excruciating some nights, especially cuz I’m a morning person and being up until 11:30 is exhausting.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: It really is so tough. Some kids still really need the nap, while some don’t. And I have some mom friends that NEED that 1-2 hour of free time during nap time and they’re willing to stay up later for it!
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: Oh, that’s awful. Because then if she’s napped and you’re putting her to bed an hour early, she’s subconsiously learning that her bed isn’t for sleeping. You are in such a rough position. I hope it gets better for you all once she starts kindergarten.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@snowjewelz: I totally get it. I actually remember posting on FB about a year ago when she really started to do without naps that I never thought I’d be the person saying please stop napping because I lived for that time, but as a morning person who’s up at 5:30 every day, going to bed past 10:30 is excruciating.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Grace: Thank you. I worry about that too, though the one weirdly consoling factor is that we’ve had such a long battle with this that I think she’s used to just having a lot more time in bed and not sleeping. It’s hard for us because we lay down with her and we usually fall asleep ourselves and are up and down in however long it takes her to settle, and she’s tossing and turning in that time. Figuring out how to keep her relaxed and sleep focused but not necessarily forcing her to stay in bed is my next frontier on this battle lol
nectarine / 2433 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: Have you ever looked into a weighted blanket for her? It may help her to settle down
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Ugh, my LO is a finger sucker. He uses them for sleep, general boredness, to comfort and console him. Secretly, I welcome the fingers because it means a tantrum is about to end. I feel for all you binky mamas and wonder what finger and thumb sucker mamas do since we can’t remove our children’s limbs.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: This is actually why I avoided taking away the paci for a long time, I was super nervous that she’ll replace it with her hands. I come from a family of thumbsuckers, and most of them grew out of it but not until 9-10, so it was a concern for me. I don’t have any advice, unfortunately, but as with everything, this too shall pass I’m sure.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@mrswin: I literally just ordered one last night. Not sure how it’ll go since she tends to run hot and isn’t a fan of blankets, but I’m at least going to try.
nectarine / 2433 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: I run really hot and don’t find my weighted blanket makes me warm. The fabric breaths well and because the weight comes from little (plastic?) beads it doesn’t trap the heat.
Getting a blanket made a huge difference in my abilaity to wind down and fall asleep. I hope that it makes a difference for you
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@mrswin: That’s really good to know, thanks! I really hope it helps her.
guest
Have you tried the goodnight rabbit sleep relaxation boom? We read it every night to our son it helps him calm his body.
guest
I read all the internet guides like “How To Help Your Child Give Up The Pacifer?” and in every one you have this golden rule – absolute consistency. But who has it? We also had a problem to sleep without a dummy. First night was ok, but next there was a crisis and lack of our consistency. When we tried third night to put our baby to sleep without the paci, there was even a histeria attack so we gave up. After few months we got back to this internet guides and decided to give up naps during day and read a book or tell a bedtime stories every day and it worked!
guest
May, have you referring to the one by Susan Urban? As it is written on her site – it is an extremely helpful compilation of pacifier weaning systems. In my opinion using pacifier especially as a comforter is a good thing and it is nothing bad if your 2-3 y child wants it. Morover it is much easier to wean off in that age, because you can use one of those tricky methods