Hellobee

When I was 34 weeks pregnant, after a long and difficult pregnancy, I got a phone call from my OB to confirm my scheduled C-section for my breech Little Lion. The date it was scheduled for: April 1st. April Fools’ Day. I remember wondering if it was really fair to subject our son to an April Fools’ Day birthday for the rest of his life, but we decided we might as well.

That evening my water broke, and Little Lion decided to make his appearance on his own terms. The joke was on us. He has been that stubborn every since.

This kid. He is the absolute light of my life. He is charming and hysterical and SO FULL OF LOVE. He is brilliant, and constantly catches me off guard with the way he figures out things he should not understand.

He is a miracle. He is one of my most favorite things in he world. And he exhausts me.

When he was 8 months old, he stood up from the floor. I don’t mean pulled up onto furniture. I mean stood up. Literally, from the floor. “Look Mom, no hands!” style.  He was walking by 9 months, and by 12 months I was chasing him pretty much everywhere we went. He has always been fiercely independent and likes to do things his own way. I don’t have to look past the mirror to see where he gets that from.

Since about 18 months old we have known something was different about the way he interacted with the world. We were completely unable to go to story time at the library because he could not STAND to not be right at the center of everything. He just loved the music and stories SO MUCH. We could only go to playgrounds with a fence, and even then I couldn’t be out of arm’s reach for a second because his ability to climb far surpassed his ability to sense danger.

Still true.

When he was 20 months or so he stopped sleeping. The less he slept, the harder his behavior got. He would wake up and scream all through the night, even though he wouldn’t wake all the way up. I read absolutely everything the internet had to offer about baby sleep and tried it all. No dice. At the recommendation of our pediatrician, we tried Benadryl at bedtime and naptime, and finally he slept. We could use it short term if he ever got overtired. We protected bedtime and naptime fiercely to prevent this as much as possible.

Then, shortly after his 3rd birthday, after I had gone back to work and he was going to daycare daily, things went downhill fast. In a classroom of 20 kids he just could. not. cope. Our poor sweet boy screamed all day long and ran in circles. His little body was so out of sorts and we had no idea what to do. He was in fight or flight mode all the time. He was exhausted. His teachers were exhausted. We were lost about what to do.

Since that time, we have worked with a variety of specialists. We did a screening at Early Intervention, which showed he was off the charts in every area except social emotional development. Through this process we later discovered he had Sensory Processing Disorder, which means that the way he processes input from the world is different than other kids. Basically, his sensory volume knob doesn’t work right, and for him this causes a lot of really intense feelings. So, preschool with 20 other kids? Not the best environment for him. We moved him to a class with only 10 and he was immediately calmer and more able to regulate his system. Not perfectly, but in a way that was manageable.

We have worked with an OT for almost three years, and have been seeing a developmental pediatrician for two. We have seen sleep specialists and feeding specialists and have an IEP at school. He started a stronger antihistamine to help with sleep during the summer after he turned 4, and this was completely life changing. Suddenly he could sleep all night long, and his sleep was more restful. He started waking up just a little later, and his behavior improved dramatically. He attended Pre-K last year and had a great year. But when he started Kindergarten in the fall and was forced to no longer take his long nap in the afternoon, things started getting harder for him all over again.

We monitored, and we waited for him to possibly outgrow some of these behaviors. And then finally, after yet another sleep specialist appointment, we were able to rule out all of the things that could be causing some of his tiny-tornado behaviors. It wasn’t just his sleep anymore. It wasn’t JUST sensory processing (he seems much more regulated in that way). It wasn’t an iron deficiency. Magnesium wasn’t helping. Maybe it could be more.

So, 3 weeks before his 6th birthday we requested a trial of stimulant medication to see if this might be ADHD. Our doctor, after watching our journey for the last 2 years, didn’t even hesitate.

We were given directions for how to start with the tiniest dose, and were told to expect it not to work right away, because he would likely need a bigger dose before we noticed any difference. Our doctor was wrong. Immediately, his behavior completely changed. I am a teacher at the school my son attends for Kindergarten, and I could see the difference within a day. We told his classroom teacher what was happening, but the other specialist teachers had no idea. Not because we were keeping it a secret, but rather because I honestly didn’t believe it would work. Within days, everyone who knows him was coming up to me to tell me how amazing he had been doing. How helpful he was (I know). How kind and compassionate (I know). For the first time in my sweet boy’s life, everyone else could see the amazing little person that I knew was in there all along. It has been 5 weeks, and we think we have determined the dose that works best for him.

That fast, after all this time. Like it was magic.

I cannot begin to put into words how all of this makes me feel, which, to be honest, is probably why I am sharing this here. In my heart of hearts I have known that LL had ADHD for a very long time. But for some reason, this voice in my head has told me that if I could just be a better mom, my child would be compliant (HA). He acts that way because I must be too passive (I’m not). I must just not be good at this. Maybe if I would just discipline him better (Discipline…now why didn’t I ever think of that.) Over and over in the back of my head, for 5 years on repeat.

The most ridiculous part about that is that I have taught SO MANY kids who have ADHD who find so much success taking medication. I have counseled so many parents about exactly this fact. That it isn’t their fault. That it is biology, not bad parenting. That their child is amazing and I love them with or without medicine and will support them no matter what.

Why is this grace so much harder to give to ourselves?

I have often found myself thinking about that inspirational poster of the little ballerinas. You have probably seen it. A few of them dressed all in pink tutus, lined up on the barre. Then, there’s the one hanging upside down from the middle. The poster is supposed to inspire you to want to be your own person. To stand out. But what they don’t tell you is that it is really really hard sometimes to be the mom of the upside down ballerina, when everyone else in the room expects her to get down and follow directions.

Our biggest fear about starting medicine was that it would change all of the things we love so much about Little Lion. His spunky personality makes me laugh constantly. I couldn’t imagine my life without that little person, just as he was. But, what I have found instead is a happier and healthier version of that same spunky boy. One who can function in his classroom and can sit at the dinner table with us for a whole 5 minutes instead of 30 seconds. One who can regulate through his big feelings just a teeny bit more easily. One we can take out of the house and experience the world with just a little bit more safely.

Giving his baby sister a flower he picked. This kid can’t pass a flower without picking it for someone he loves.

We still have more hurdles. I am sure this is not a perfect solution. There is no such thing. We still have OT and feeding therapy and an IEP to work through. We still have to pray he doesn’t fall off his growth curve, because a downside of stimulant medications for tiny kids is that it can make them lose their appetite, something Little Lion really cannot afford. But for the first time in a very very long time I have hope that it won’t always have to be so hard for him to exist in the world.

I would move mountains for this kid, but I am thankful that today we have an easier solution.