I’ve been in a unique situation since Baby Y got here: I’ve gotten to try out being a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom, and a work-outside-the-home mom. In fact, because of a flexible arrangement with work, I still wear all three hats on a rotating basis.
(A little more about my situation, so this makes more sense: Papa Y and I share an employer. When one of us is at work, the other is home with the baby. His job is more important, so he sets his schedule, and then I go into the office when I can, usually a couple days a week. The other days, I either work from home or don’t depending on whether I’ve scheduled a day or two off by extending my maternity leave.)
I was a SAHM for the first few months of Baby Y’s life during maternity leave, and my schedule has given me plenty more time to try out the role since then. While I had never really envisioned myself as a SAHM, I always said that my opinion could change as soon as my baby was here. After all, I’d heard from plenty of moms who figured they’d continue to work, but ultimately just couldn’t bear to leave their child.
So … I am not one of them.
Obviously, I love Baby Y to pieces. But I have found being a SAHM to be utterly draining. Perhaps it would be different with an older child in a location that offered more opportunities to get out of the house, but I go a little (lot) stir crazy on my SAHM days. And I’ve realized I need to have goals and some sort of external recognition for accomplishing them – it keeps me motivated. After all, Baby Y isn’t going to compliment me for an expertly changed diaper or a well-timed nap, but he certainly may scream his head off if I’m not doing something right. In other words, he’s the type of boss I would dread in any other situation!
Then there’s being a WAHM, which is the case for me at least a couple days a week. I always figured this would be the sweet spot – a great arrangement if you can get it, right? I would get to be there for Baby Y while giving my brain a break from the sometimes-tedious tasks of childcare. Win-win.
Again, not so much.
Aside from the logistical difficulties of rushing to get work done during naptimes or (even worse) after bedtime, I always end up feeling like I didn’t give my baby OR my job 100 percent. There have been times when I’ve had to let Baby Y hang out in his jumperoo much longer than normal in order to send an important e-mail or finish a particular project. Sometimes he’ll stop jumping and stare me down: Play with me mommy. Take me out of here NOW mommy. Nothing is more important than me, mommy! I can only imagine how hard this would be with a toddler who is old enough to really voice his displeasure when he’s not the center of attention.
That leaves me with being a WOHM, as I am when not SAHMing or WAHMing. And I’ve realized that this is the best scenario for me – at least for now.
The days I get to go into the office, frankly, are pretty great. I am able to see Baby Y through most of his morning routine and run home and feed him at lunch, so I realize this is a much better situation than most people have. But I am also able to actually focus on what I’m doing without guilt when I’m in the office. And when it’s time to put my “mom” hat back on, I feel so refreshed. When I walk in the door and Baby Y smiles at me, it’s like a revelation. Oh! You! I love you so much, and I missed you! And that makes me a better mom.
Now, if I had to leave Baby Y every day and couldn’t run home during lunch, I might be a lot more reluctant. And if I were leaving him with someone other that Papa Y, I know my worries would probably multiply. But I do feel like I’ve learned an essential truth about myself that probably won’t change: I am not cut out for stay-at-home motherhood, and I prefer to work outside the home unless someone else is on baby duty.
I do feel a twinge of guilt about this sometimes – what kind of mom doesn’t want to spend every second with her child, etc. – but I try to shove that aside. I’m a believer in quality versus quantity. If I can give Baby Y quality time, that’s a much better deal for him than being stuck with a worn-down, sad-sack mommy every minute of the day.
Are you (or do you want to be) a SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM? Do feel like you have to justify your decision to others?
GOLD / nectarine / 2267 posts
I am a work-outside-of-the-home mom and could not be a SAHM or WAHM. I need to be recognized as and have time that is about me instead of only being Mom. I get very lonely without enough outside interaction that doesn’t include my son so being a SAHM isn’t for me. I like the thought of being a WAHM but 1. my job doesn’t really have that flexibility more than a sick day here to there and 2. I don’t concentrate well at home because I get distracted by the house chores, my son, the dogs, and anything else that could possibly pull my attention away from work. I’ve found that I function best when I can separate the two roles of Mom and Business. I love being a mom and like having a career but I need both to balance me, just not at the same time..
guest
Being a WOHM (or on some days at WAHM w/ fulltime childcare) has been great for me. Exactly like you said, it allows me to miss Sasha and appreciate time with her, while still getting the satisfaction from work and collegial relationships that I need. I also really have no guilt about working full time. I know that I’m a happier person and I’m investing in a career that will benefit my family in the long run through both financial security and being a role model. Most men don’t feel guilty for working and providing for their family, why should women shoulder that burden? Sasha loves daycare and our weekends and evenings are filled with lots of together time and activities; she’s absolutely thriving with this setup. While I do think I would be unhappy as a SAHM, I also realize that I’ve never really had a time that I’ve been at home while not thinking about work in the back corner of my mind, so I feel like I can’t fully speak to that experience.
GOLD / pear / 1776 posts
This is so hard. I struggle with this too even though my baby isn’t here yet! I am not crazy about my chosen career but let’s face it, it would be tough and require a DRASTIC lifestyle change to live on my husband’s income. Right now I am aiming for working 20 hours a week and hopefully some of that at home, but that could all change. I might use the time to launch a total career change.
pea / 10 posts
I’m a SAHM who its trying to transition to WAHM with a sewing business I work on when I can find the time. I really value my time with my son (and another due in a month), but it is definitely hard work. I can definitely see the draw to working outside the home, but for me I’ve just never found the kind of fulfillment in outside work that some people do, so for me I plan to stay at home for the foreseeable future. And I really do love getting to be with my boy and watch him grow into a little person.
pea / 10 posts
I’m a SAHM who its trying to transition to WAHM with a sewing business I work on when I can find the time. I really value my time with my son (and another due in a month), but it is definitely hard work. I can see the draw to working outside the home, but for me I’ve just never found the kind of fulfillment in outside work that some people do, so I plan to stay at home for the foreseeable future. And I really do love getting to be with my boy and watch him grow into a little person.
hostess / papaya / 10094 posts
It sounds like you have a really good situation. I would like to WAH and WOH once I have a baby. I use to think that I would like to stay home, but having been a house wife for six+ months I know I would go a bit crazy. Luckily my current employer is very flexible. I know she will have no problems with me being a WAHM one day.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 5604 posts
i will be a sahm and i don’t think i’ll have time to think about whether or not i’ll enjoy it haha.
olive / 74 posts
Whom but hubby is wahd, it works for us :)
blogger / cantaloupe / 6341 posts
I love being a WOHM, but am so glad that Mr Jacks is a SAHD. We’re both happy with our roles and Little Jacks benefits :)
blogger / nectarine / 2986 posts
@pelikila: Yep, I pretty much could have written your comment!
guest
I am a WAHM with full time outside home daycare. It would not be possible for me to work with my babies at home, they will be way too distracting. As it is, I have to struggle in the mornings with getting LO ready for daycare and my early morning work teleconferences. When LO has sick days at home, it’s impossible for me to work. When I am working, I can be 101% engrossed and need to complete the task on hand. So with a LO needing attention and a need to focus on work, I can’t have my babies home.
blogger / pomegranate / 3177 posts
your situation is exactly like mine! i wear all three hats on a regular basis. i also thought that maybe the WAHM would be the best of both worlds, and sometimes it is (i’m grateful to have the option), but like you… it makes me feel like i’m not giving my 100% in EITHER department. i love being able to work and get paid AND still play with my baby though.
olive / 66 posts
I am a WOHM and that is what suits me for now. I flirt with the idea of reducing my weeks to just 4 days, but I’m not sure I could actually make that work or if that even makes sense. I am not someone who could be a SAHM. I really thought I might feel that way when my daughter was born, but though I LOVE her to pieces, I need my own time and accomplishments outside of her. I give so much credit to SAHM’s because I think it may literally be the hardest job – at least to do it well! I’m lucky that I found an in-home daycare with a caregiver that I love and who cares so much about my daughter that I am never worried about how she is while I’m at work. That said, I have to travel for work and haven’t resolved the MAJOR guilt I feel over not being at home those days!