What does it take to raise a happy, healthy baby?  This question has been on the front of my mind ever since I started grappling with being a single mama.  All I could think of was my poor baby swimming around in a sea of sadness that was me at eight months pregnant and dealing with separating from my husband.  I worried that before this poor kiddo was even born, I was dooming him to a life of issues that he would spend the better half of his adult life in therapy resolving.

I cried on many shoulders.  Most folks reassured me that all babies need is love.  Love I had.  Colleagues and friends reminded me that children have been born during devastating times ranging from famines to wars to economic depressions.  Babies are resilient and are able to bring joy to those around them, even in dire circumstance.  Friends pointed out that having my baby in my arms would put my broken heart into perspective and give me the strength I needed to get through sleepless nights and balancing the competing demands of working, being a mama, and life generally.

But as my baby daddy expressed a desire to take an active parenting role and we began navigating how to best co-parent, it seemed more complicated than simply loving Baby T.  We both loved our baby.  And loving Baby T meant that we both want to spend a lot of time with him and be involved with parenting decisions.  We needed help figuring out how to structure our time with Baby T so we sought out the advice of child psychologist, Maureen Healey who wrote the book on “Growing Happy Kids.”  Our basic questions for Maureen were:  What parenting roles would we both have?  And how did we structure our time with Baby T to make sure he felt loved, safe and secure?

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Maureen’s advice made a lot of sense and seems applicable for anyone parenting together – whether it be as a married couple or as co-parents.  It turns out that this parenting thing is tough no matter how you slice it – not only do we have to figure how we want to parent, but we also have to coordinate our own vision of parenting with another person’s values, beliefs, and ideas.  The bottom line is that parents are going to have their individual styles and that’s a good thing.   Babies learn a lot from spending time with different people and this means getting loved and parented in different ways.

Feeling loved topped the list of Maureen’s advice to us on parenting Baby T from years 0 – 3 years old. Besides loving our baby, Maureen gave us these five other parenting tips:

1.  Structure – From 0 – 3 years old create a safe space in the world with a positive, firm structure for baby.  This structure will provide the security your baby needs to feel comfortable taking risks he needs to take in order to develop.  Structure includes a general daily routine of when baby eats, naps, plays, bathes and sleeps.  This structure can also include doing these activities in other places.

2.  Healthy Bonds – Baby develops bonds with both parents during this time, and it’s best to structure time with both parents individually on a daily basis, if possible.  The amount of time can be as little as 15 minutes a day, as long as it’s a consistent part of baby’s schedule.  If parents’ schedules don’t permit for daily interaction time, baby can stay connected with photographs in his nursery and as he gets older, by daily phone calls and/or Skype.

3.  Share What Works –  Make no doubt about it – mom and dad are going to have different parenting styles.  Even happily married couples don’t want to step on one another’s toes by dictating how to parent.  That said, it’s important that parents share what works for them with the other parent.  For example, if they have success dealing with baby’s night time waking by singing, walking outside, or rocking, it’s good for the other parent to know.  Similarly, if baby prefers be worn in the morning instead of individual floor play, this too is important to share.  By sharing what works, we can help to ensure our baby feels safe and secure in the care of others – whether it be dads, childcare providers, or grandparents.

4.  Security Blanket – One tried and true way to help ease the transition as baby goes to new places is by having a favorite toy, stuffed animal, or blanket that goes with baby all the time.  This “security blanket” offers the baby some consistency and helps to make new places feel more familiar.

5.  Lead by example –  Babies pick up on mom’s (and dad’s) emotions.  That means it is extra important to manage our own emotions, which I know only too well can be tough when operating on little sleep.  Babies will follow the example set by parents.  If we act like the baby spending time in the care of others in new places is a happy and exciting opportunity, the baby will also positively view this experience.  However, if we are nervous or anxious about the baby leaving our care, the baby will react negatively to strangers and new places.

Do you have any tips for on how to create a loving, safe and secure environment for your baby?  Are there any tricks you use to help your baby transition to new places?