@BKCaribBaby requested a blog post about two spouses in demanding careers. The topic resonated with me as we have recently transitioned from having one work outside the home parent to two.
I have to say, the transition was smoother than I anticipated in many ways and we are now fully functioning as a two outside the home career household. Not too long ago, I blogged about our family’s typical schedule while Mr. Jacks was still a SAHD. My schedule hasn’t changed so much, but Mr. Jacks now has a 30 minute commute and a 40+ hour a week job as a software engineer in a service oriented software company. When he has a “go-live” deadline, he may be pulling all-nighters to get the work done. His schedule is still a bit more predictable than mine, but we both tend to experience unanticipated long days or issues that come up on off-work hours.
So how do we provide the stability and consistency that our girls need to thrive in a life filled with 60 and 80 hour work weeks, overnight shifts, and weekend work?
First and foremost, we needed to find really good help! It really does take a village, and since we live away from our families, our village is hired. Daycare wasn’t going to be an option for us because our work hours are too unpredictable to allow for a 7am – 6pm drop off and pick up consistently. We needed a nanny… and not a serviceable nanny. We needed a nanny who could basically seamlessly run our household when we aren’t home. I will talk in a separate blog post about finding and bringing out the best in a great nanny. Third time must be a charm, because it took 2 tries before we found our wonder-nanny. I knew we found the right person when one day she said to me, “I try to think of myself as an extension of the two of you while you are away.” Yes, that’s exactly it! Her ability to do just that has set us up for success.
Second, we reverse engineered our schedules. I recommend a book called Getting Things Done by David Allen. There are so many good things in the book about becoming more efficient, but one thing I learned was to work backwards from deadlines to figure out when to anticipate downtime or especially intense work times. We schedule things like vacations at least a year ahead of time to make sure that we actually take them, and they are always scheduled during times when I know I won’t have a grant deadline or on-service time. We now plan our schedules together, so that one of us is always available in the event of emergencies or unanticipated scheduling issues.
Third, if one of our schedules is light (for whatever reason), we take advantage of it. When I’m not on service and don’t have a grant or writing deadline, I try to maximize my time at home. During those times, I try to go to work at 9 and get home before 4 pm to spend time with the kids. When Mr. Jacks has such times, he’ll only go into the office during core hours and will spend the rest of the time working from home. The result is that one of us can be the early person most of the time. Yes, there are times where we are both gone for extended days, but we try to keep it to one or the other of us and not both!
Finally, we have alternative ways to connect with our kids. On long days, I’ll try and spend a few minutes on the phone with Little Jacks. I also go out of my way to make sure that I make it to every single school event… even if it means swapping shifts or otherwise rearranging my schedule. Recently, I cut out of work at 11 to go see a toddler Halloween parade at LJ’s school. It was a 20-minute affair, but a priceless memory! When I’m on business trips, I’ll make a chart for where I am and how many days I’ll be gone. That way the kids have a visual of when mama is coming back. We also make sure that we Skype or Facetime each night, even when there is a time difference.
I think it’s nearly impossible to strike the ever-elusive “work –life balance”, but I do think that with some careful planning and forethought that we can make it less of a myth and more of a functional proposition.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
Great post! My mom was a SAHM so I don’t have any great examples of how to handle this new life with both of us working!
pear / 1672 posts
Thanks, Mrs. Jacks! I really appreciate this perspective. I’ll be a touch more flexible than my DH, but some things will ramp up for me at times. I think you are right about you BOTH thinking prospectively and planning. I’m actually going to send this to my DH so that we can start thinking about these issues now before LO arrives. Thanks again!
pomelo / 5178 posts
Very intersting! I know you and Mr. Jacks are incredibly busy, so it’s great knowing how you handle it all!
cherry / 187 posts
I love this post. It’s something I’ve struggled with alot. My husband’s job sometimes has long hours leading up to a deadline and my job requires some travel so it’s tough to juggle! I love to hear real world examples of how people deal with it – particularly with no family close by.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@Thehistoryofus: My mom was a SAHM to, so I had to rely more on mentors in my own career field to help me try and find the balance.
@BKCaribBaby: It’s really a team effort. Without both partners being totally onboard with complete synchrony, one partner ends up feeling overly burdened. I see it a lot with friends who are married to surgical sub-specialists.
@Honeybee: It’s kind of crazy! Today, I have a meeting at Montessori at the same time I’m supposed to be having a girls night out at the same time I’m supposed to be working on a grant. You just have to do a good enough job, I guess!
@tipperella: It can be done!!! If you travel alot, try the travel chart for kids. It’s worked really well for us!
guest
Thank you so much for this! I am an attorney who owns a practice and the hubs has a f/t career with occasional international travel. It is crazy at times, but this is our life and our son is doing great. We have amazing childcare, which makes a huge difference. Sometimes, I feel really guilty for my work hours (avg 60h/wk) but I try to remember that my son is happy and thriving, and when we are together, we are really together!
coconut / 8305 posts
I’m a sahm but I absolutely LOVE this post! So glad you could share your wisdom & experience. My parents both worked out of the house & man do I wish they’d had known these things!
I’ll definitely be keeping this bookmarked & follow your posts just incase I decide to go back to work in the coming years! =)
bananas / 9118 posts
@Mrs. Jacks: I love your posts, you are my mom hero!
I only work about 20 hours a week and get to stay home with my little guy most of the time and even take him to work sometimes, but I still feel like I can’t do either one nearly as well as I had hoped.
I know that I am my own biggest critic and I get good feedback from my husband and my co-workers and students, but I wonder how anyone can feel perfectly balanced and still have even a tiny bit of “me” time!?!
Ultimately we have to make concessions with anything that we do, but as long as our kids know that we love them and can feed them and get some sort of work fulfillment, we are doing a good job.
PS- so happy to hear you have the nanny set up working well!
GOLD / papaya / 10206 posts
Thanks for this post. I’ll be going back to work in 4 months when babygirl turns 1 and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around being at work and still being an awesome mom to her.