When our first child comes into this world and we hold their tiny little bodies close to ours, we snuggle and our heart becomes full. We hope and pray for their futures. We wonder about who they will become. We memorize each tiny minute detail of their face. And then of course we vow to always be there. To love them, raise them to the best of our abilities, and to always protect them. We are parents and it is our life long commitment to our children. I have made this promise four times and each one seems like just yesterday. Each time I looked into the beautiful innocent eyes of my children and I promised to always protect them. I know now that it was a promise I could not keep. Of course I love them and I will raise them the best I can, but I cannot protect them from everything.
It started with their first cold or illness. The long nights, runny noses and tears… so many tears (maybe not just the kids) it’s enough to make a mommy go crazy. The helpless feeling while rocking a sick child in the middle of the night can be so debilitating. I know I have said more than once, “Mommy would make it better if I could; you will feel better soon.” We can’t avoid the pain of teething. Sure there are things to negate some of the pain, but growing teeth is a long process and it usually disrupts life for a bit. My children get sick or hurt and I can’t always protect them from it.
Then they start crawling and take their first steps. Oh what a joyous occasion… until they knock into the corner of the coffee table and get their first fat lip or black eye (yes my sons have had their fair share of black eyes). I don’t know whether it is because I have three boys, but it seems like our house is the land of skinned knees and scratched up faces. I can’t tell you how many magic kisses and band aids have been doled out over the last five years in my house. At first I felt like I wasn’t watching close enough, but as it happened more often and with each consecutive child I realized I just can’t catch them every time. I can help pick them up (and teach them some basic first aid), but I can’t prevent every accident.
Then it was off to preschool. My sweet children went off to play and learn under someone else’s care. And then it happened. Something I hadn’t prepared them for. Something I hadn’t prepared myself for. It wasn’t a physical hurt that I had failed to protect them from. It was an emotional one. I came to the class to pick the boys up and one of their teachers pulled me aside. She said there had been an incident with one of my boys. I was nervous. I couldn’t help but think “oh god what have they done?” (trust me — with three boys all in the same preschool class, I just figured it was inevitable that they will cause a fuss sometimes). But then she went on to tell me about the incident.
One of my boys was taunted by several other boys in the class. They stood around him and told him to say a word he had never heard before. When I asked him later he told me he didn’t know the word, but he knew it was bad because his friends told him it was. They goaded and teased him until he said the F word. (When his teacher told me I know my mouth dropped open a little, what preschoolers even know that word? I know it was a naive thought to have, but I just thought a child’s innocence should last a little longer). As soon as he said it they ran to the teacher and told on him. When he was questioned by the teacher about his actions, he broke down and cried inconsolably for almost 20 minutes. It was almost to the point where they were going to call me to come calm him down. Eventually the boys who had done the teasing told the teachers what they had done so they were pretty sure about how it happened, and she apologized for my son being so upset.
It may not seem like such a big deal, but I made a promise to protect my kids and I brought one son home from school who was devastated. I had become accustomed to fixing booboos and taking care of bumps and scrapes, but this was different. My son’s heart was hurting because his friends had done this to him. All in one day he was faced with teasing, adult language, and peer pressure. In my heart I wasn’t ready to face these things yet, to tell my kids about the pain that other people in this world can cause. I had to sit down and have a discussion with him about adult language. I had to tell him that sometimes kids act mean and some can hurt your feelings. I had to talk to him about peer pressure and not doing things you know are wrong even if your friends are telling you to. It was a difficult day for us and I hadn’t expected it in preschool.
Like with all their booboos and illnesses I felt that twang of guilt. It is the small pain in my heart when I know I can’t keep my child safe from everything. As soon as I feel it I think of one of my favorite Disney Quotes from Finding Nemo and I can’t help but smile.
Marlin (Nemo’s Dad): I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.
Oh Dory, such a smart and insightful little fish. I know that five years ago I promised my oldest son that I would protect him. I remade my promise three more times in the next three years. But it was never really a promise I could fulfill, nor would I really want to. My heart aches when my children are in pain. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of someone teasing my kids. But it may help teach them to not do it to others. I know I can’t protect them for forever and this is just the one of many situations to come.
With four kids I am sure we will have our fair share of ER trips for broken bones or stitches. I know that they will face sadness in their lives and I can’t stop it. The tumultuous teenage years are just going to tear at my heart. I know I can’t always protect them, but I can be there to guide them. I can be there to help with pain and take them to the doctor when they need it. I will be there to teach them empathy and compassion. I will give out hugs and kisses to show my love and support. I will listen when they need to talk. I will always be there even when I can’t protect them.
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
This totally made me cry. I can’t imagine how heartbroken he must have been and how conflicted he felt. But you’re right, all of these hurts have to come at some point. It’s a shame it’s as early as preschool, but he’s lucky to have such a great mama to walk him through it and explain everything.
…and I’m lucky to have you one year ahead of me three times over, to pave the way, so I can be prepared for when these things happen with my kids. Thank you so much for sharing. I learn SO MUCH FROM YOU.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
Ugh so many hugs! This made me cry. I’m so not ready for this!!!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
I am so crying reading this! I am not looking forward to facing the emotional hurts. I feel like I can do something about the physical pains, but I can’t heal his heart.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
This made me cry too!! I am not looking forward to this at all.
guest
I second Mrs Wagon, I learn so much from you.
cantaloupe / 6791 posts
Oh man, I have tears too. This is so, so hard. Becoming a mom has changed me as a teacher in many ways. Instances like this will happen in my classroom and my heart will ache because I imagine the same things happening to my son in a few years. Ahh, it breaks my heart.
And I totally agree with @mrs. wagon.
GOLD / papaya / 10166 posts
I don't know what I would do in the same instance, but I"m so glad you wrote this so I can start preparing myself for those emotional boo boos that a kiss can't always fix.
pomelo / 5791 posts
I totally cried reading this. I was just talking to my DH about something similar last night, when we discussed sending DS to school and how it’ll be the first time we aren’t there (or my parents) and not being able to protect him. It’s so scary!!!
Thank you for your insightful post.
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
I love this and ugh my heart just aches and aches every time I have this realization, which is often. I hate it but you’re right, we can’t protect them from everything.
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
I’m so sorry this happened to your poor baby! My heart goes out to him.
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Oh my goodness I am so sorry for what happened to your sweet little one.
pomelo / 5628 posts
Thanks for the quote. I think we will all face this situation some day and it helps to hear your story. It’s everyone’s worst fear to have our children hurt! I hope lots of hugs helped a little bit.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
This breaks my heart.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
What a difficult situation! That sounds so sad. I know that kid teasing is inevitable, but oh man, how can we ever be ready to help our kids with that?!
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Oh, tear fest over here! Your words are so true. I want so badly to be able to shield and protect them from everything, but it’s just not reality. I hate that he (and you) had to be face with those things at such a young age, but I guess it’s a good reminder that we really can’t protect them from everything. We can only do our best to prepare them for the various hurts they may encounter and then do our best to mend and build them back up after those inevitable hurts occur. I just hate thinking about his little heartache. Poor baby!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
These are hard lessons to learn for both mama and kids…
grapefruit / 4187 posts
How do you keep yourself from crying in these situations?? You are such a strong Mommy!!!!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
kids are mean! oh my goodness even little ones!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
oh little sweeties, it breaks my heart just thinking about it. this is one of the reasons i hesitated on having kids for a long time–i just didn’t know if i could handle them being hurt/sad/angry/etc.
guest
Thank you for sharing. I can’t believe that sort of behavior can start at such young age. I am so sorry your little boy had to go through that. This is something I worry about, too, though my LO won’t be starting school until the fall.
How did your son respond when you talked to him about it? Did he seem to understand? It must be so confusing, such a loss of innocence and trust. How did he feel about going to school the next day?
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
@mrs. wagon: Happy (or sometimes not so happy) to pave the way!! I didn’t expect the things we have seen as early as preschool. such a shame.
@mrs. tictactoe: I don’t think we ever can be.
@Mrs. Pen: I agree the physical pain is much easier to deal with.
@Smurfette: It’s definitely not a fun part, even the thought that it is just the beginning is a bit scary.
@Jennifer thank you, I appreciate it.
@lilteacherbee: Thank you, I know I was a teacher first and now looking at some of the instances in classrooms I have a much different view as a mom
@BabyBoecksMom: Hugs and kisses still help but it is much harder to explain
@ValentineMommy: Thank you, and it can be hard that first time but it does get easier.
@Mrs. Palette: Thank you, it is such a hard realization.
@Mrs. Sketchbook: @Mrs. Chocolate: Thank you
@Mrs Green Grass: I’m glad you liked the quotes, it’s one of my favorites. The hugs absolutely help. I think letting them know that its safe at home where mom and dad can give hugs and snuggles makes a huge difference.
@Mrs. Stroller: It is so hard as a mom, I’m an not sure whose heart was hurt worse mine or his.
@Mrs. Pinata: It is a hard discussion to have. It is hard to explain that some kids can be mean.
@Mrs. Blue: Thank you, It is so hard as a mom to think I can’t stop all the hurt.
@Mrs. High Heels: So true…and so hard.
@Modern Daisy: I cried a bit with him in the evening but while we were explaining peer pressure and adult language I was pretty straight faced. I just wanted him to know the importance of our conversation.
@Mrs. Chipmunk: The little ones are the hardest to watch too. It seems like pretty normal (although I wish it wasn’t) behavior for teens or older elementary but from preschoolers….just so sad.
@edelweiss: It is the part of parenthood I like the least. I can handle the tantrums and sleepless nights but when they are hurting it is just awful.
@momof1 The age is particularly disturbing. His teacher said that unfortunately it is just the way things are now. She has been a teacher for 30 years and she just hates seeing it so young. I brought all three boys together to talk to them and I asked if they could tell me what happened. They told me the story without saying the word (they just said a bad word). So we talked about adult language and that there are words grown ups use but they are not polite words and that even when grown ups use them it is usually because they are upset or angry. Then we talked about peer pressure and doing things because your friends asked you to. This was a little harder to grasp because non of them could understand why a friend would tell you to do something bad. But I just had to keep telling them if they know its wrong they shouldn’t do it no matter what their friends say. We talked about walking away and finding a teacher. He was a little nervous the next day but not terrible. As I said good bye to him he just gave me a hug and a kiss and said “mommy this time if someone teases me I will walk away and get the teacher”. So he seemed pretty confident and he told me when he came home that no one teased him that day. He hasn’t really talked about it since.