Hellobee

Mister Rabbit left for the sandbox a few weeks ago (aka he deployed, but “playing in the sandbox” makes it sound a lot more fun than it actually is), so now I’m playing the roll of both mama and papa around the house. This isn’t the first time I’ve held both titles—he deployed for a month when Bunny was three months old (just in time for her to break out of her swaddle and start rolling from back to stomach…in her sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much during that sting), and he’s had a few weeks away here and there. But now we’re in it for a semi-long haul. It’ll only be around four months total this time, so not nearly as long as it could be, but long enough.

Mr. Rabbit and Bunny just before he left.

I’m not a single mom, but I do solo-parent. My husband is still extremely present in our lives, and I’m very much aware of that. He is our family’s sole income provider, while I stay home with our daughter. I do make money as a writer, but only enough to pay a few bills a month. And despite the fact that he’s not physically here, we still make decisions together (as best we can). Yes, communication is spotty and not consistent, but if there’s something I really need to ask him when it comes to raising our daughter (and can wait a few days to hear an answer), I can. On top of having the financial support, I also still have emotional support. I know I can tell him about my long, exhausting day and he’ll understand and tell me he’s sorry for being away and not there to help. I know that (God willing) he’ll be coming back—there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

With all that said, my husband is an incredible spouse and father, but when he’s gone, I am doing this parenting thing solo. We don’t have family near us at all, and since we’re still new in town, my friendship circle is much smaller than I’d like—although the friends and neighbors I do have are pretty darn stellar. Now that I’ve laid the basics down, and now that we’re in the thick of this separation, I’d like to share my game plan for making it through this deployment.

• Stay Busy. This is always my main focus during deployments. I sometimes keep my schedule so busy that it’s exhausting, but you know what? It makes the days go by faster and it keeps from wallowing around the house during the day. We have play dates, mom groups, and trips to Target. We go to the pet store (to check out animals), out to eat, church, and parks (when it’s not too hot). I keep my planner full, and I truly think it helps the days, weeks, and months go by quickly. On the days that I don’t have anything going on (and I do try to plan a few of those in a month), I actually get restless and find myself staring at the clock often, longing for bed time.

• Set a schedule. It’s so easy to stay up late and then sleep the day away (and if that’s your jam, then more power to you), but with a child to take care of, I like having a daily routine. It keeps things more normal for both of us. We wake up around the same time each day, have breakfast, play, put her down for a nap (if I’m lucky), have lunch, play more, have dinner, play some more, bath time, and then bed time. I like knowing that life goes on despite one of our family members missing.

• Naps. We’re in the process of dropping down to one nap, but I still put her down for two. It turns out that she’ll sometimes just play quietly in her crib, which is wonderful for me. I will either use that time to clean (because we all know cleaning with a toddler running around is next to impossible) or I’ll nap myself. Cleaning can wait. Solo-parenting while being a SAHM can be exhausting and I use that time to regroup.

• Join Moms’ Groups. My daughter and I both need socialization—it can get lonely when your spouse isn’t around. It took some digging (on Facebook mostly), but I’ve found a few different places where moms hang out with their kids (coffee shops, libraries, parks, church groups, etc.). I also joined MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers), which meets every other week during the school year. It’s fantastic, because my daughter goes and hangs out with other littles her age and the moms get together for adult time (food, crafts, mingling, etc.). I’ve also discovered a few mom’s morning out programs around town at various churches. For a small fee, I can drop my daughter off for a few hours while I have some time to myself. (She’s currently there right now while I’m sipping coffee at Panera typing this.) I also have a babysitter on speed dial to help me out.

• Accept and Ask For Help. This is a big one for me and something I’m still working on. If someone offers to help you—in any way—take them up on it! Most military families (if that’s the reason for your solo-parenting status) don’t have family nearby (my family is a 24-hour drive away), so help may be limited. My daughter was recently sick and my friend graciously offered to bring me dinner. At first I refused and then I quickly thanked her and accepted. I needed help that night, because I knew I’d be cuddling my sick baby instead of having a chance to make myself dinner. If someone offers to come over and watch your kid for a half hour while you shower, take them up on it! When I was pregnant and my husband was deployed last time, I needed help carrying some things up stairs. I felt silly calling my friend’s husband to ask for help, but he was over at my house within a half hour, hauling my loot upstairs. Ask and receive help—it takes a village!

• Hit The Gym. I found a gym with childcare, so my daughter gets to play with other kids and I get to burn off some steam. It’s a win/win for both of us. It’s also a great way to break up the day. Most play groups happen in the morning, and by the afternoon I’m burnt out and need a break. We head to the gym just before dinner and that usually gives me just enough energy to make it through the next few hours before bedtime rolls around.

• Use the Television. I realize screen time can be a controversial topic, but when you’re solo-parenting and need a break, I have no issue with turning on Disney Jr. and letting my daughter watch some TV while she plays. I used to be adamant about no-TV, but my tune changed once my husband left and I needed that 20 minutes.  It lets me make dinner, catch up on emails, or I can hang clothes (without them ending up on the floor thanks to tiny “helpful” hands). Go figure that some shows are actually educational! My daughter started making more animal noises after watching a couple shows.

• Communicate. The last piece to my puzzle is to include my husband as often and as much as possible. Technology today makes staying in touch so much easier than even five years ago. When the timing works out, we FaceTime or Skype so he can see our daughter. It’s the highlight of my day watching them “together.” I also send him plenty of pictures (digital and hard copies), and I catch him up on our daily activities either on a phone call or in emails. Even though we’re separated by geography, I want him to still know what’s going on in our daily lives so it’ll make the transition when he comes home a little easier.

• Be Flexible. I’m prepared to throw everything I just mentioned above out the window. Kids will be kids. They’ll get sick, throw tantrums, have sleepless nights, early mornings, and refuse to eat (or get dressed or get up from the floor)…or a million other things. The days will be long and tiring, and sometimes you have to cancel play group because something else came up. First and foremost, I need to focus on what’s best for me and my family, and sometimes that can only happen by being flexible.

So that’s it, that’s my game plan. I’m ready to throw it all out the window and adapt when necessary.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with solo-parenting. What’s your game plan when you’re the main one in charge?