Kermit anyone? I know I mostly talk about D over here, but I’m in the thick of it with K these days! In a lot of ways he’s three going on thirteen, but in others he still wants to be babied. Although I am constantly chasing after D, K is the one who gives me the hardest time and seems to know exactly how to push my buttons. He strongly prefers me over Mr. T for almost everything, but it often feels like a burden rather than a perk! As I type this I hear him wandering about his room, an hour after he’s supposed to have gone to sleep…
He often will talk “baby talk” for attention. I think this is mostly my fault (and the other adults who interact with the boys) – we give D a lot of attention and praise for trying to say anything at all, and K obviously doesn’t understand that it’s not because of what he’s “saying,” it’s that we’re rewarding the effort. I tell him he’s a big boy and I like to hear him talk in real words, and he might stop temporarily, but will start back up again randomly.
K also has a few personality quirks that I waffle back and forth on being concerned about and accepting as typical childhood behavior. He’s very resistant to any type of change, big or small. For example, he doesn’t get hurt often and has never been a fan of putting stickers on himself or his clothes, so when he fell and scraped his elbow at school he refused to allow any of the teachers to put a bandaid on him. When I got there I just held him in my lap and put it on against his will. Such a big fight for such a little bandaid, that so many kids love! He also can’t stand getting his clothes dirty – including if he’s cried and a tear fell on his shirt; he claims it’s now wet and must be changed immediately. He’s tried to strip down in public places before because of this!
At the same time, he can be such a little sweetheart. He was an early talker and his language skills (ignoring the baby talk interruptions) continue to impress me. I always ask him if he had fun at school, and what he did there. He’s started asking me the same questions about my work! Sometimes his mimicry of adult conversation is spot-on (“What exactly is Daddy doing?”) and sometimes it’s adorably off (“I don’t want to wear shorts, I want to wear longs!”). Although he fights with D and sometimes has trouble sharing (like all brothers do), he can be fiercely protective of him. The other day at the playground a man was walking a dog and letting kids pet him. K is afraid of dogs while D is oblivious and would probably stick his hand inside the dog’s mouth if he could! Without my prompting, K held D back from going closer to the dog and kept reminding him that the dog could be dangerous. Although I wasn’t too concerned about the dog, I felt very proud of K for looking out for D.
He’ll be turning 4 in the fall, and I’m really hopeful that he’ll gain a little perspective and maturity, or maybe I’ll just gain more tools in my toolbox of ways to deal with and redirect him. During a recent occupational therapy session for D, K was joining us in a speech activity and got very upset when it was time to move on to the next activity. In general I try not to coddle him, and was just letting him sulk it out while repeatedly reminding him that the activity was over. D’s OT recommended that I try a technique (I can’t remember the phrase she used!) where you acknowledge what they’re feeling, say what they would like to happen but then describe why it’s not going to happen, and then suggest a redirection. I’ve heard that general technique before but honestly had never methodically tried it with K, and it actually worked! He went from sulking and crying to agreeing to do a puzzle instead. I’m not sure how much the OT factored in (he is less likely to be combative with me when we have company), but either way it was an impressive technique. My goal is to apply it to more situations, although depending on the situation it can be hard to collect my feelings in the heat of the moment, or if he’s on my last nerve with whining!
Mamas and papas of 4 year olds – any advice? Is it going to get worse before it gets better?
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That technique is in the happiest toddler on the block book. I think Mr. Bee talked about it awhile ago as well
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
I do definitely find that helping put Lorelei’s (also 3) feelings into words for her seems to help her process strong feelings and move on a little more easily. I also find that it helps Ellie (8) open up and talk to me more about what she’s thinking or feeling if I don’t just jump right in with advice or a new idea but simply mirror back to her what she says to me in a calm voice. Easier said than done, of course!
I always love seeing your pictures.
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Oh my goodness your boys are adorable! Those pictures are precious! This post really hit home for me – You are not alone. I feel like we just came out on the other side of this. My oldest child is 4 1/2 now and 3 was so incredibly difficult. Although we still have some tough days here and there, I definitely feel like we have turned a corner. When we were in the thick of it, I was making pediatrician appointments and trying to get my hands on every resource I could in order to identify what the heck was going on and to get some advice- I love the phrase you used of adding tools to your toolbox. I read a book called Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin which really seemed to help. I think the title may be a little bit misleading because I think the tools the book gives apply to all children and not just ones who a person may consider “defiant” but my daughter’s behavior was certainly defiant in every sense of the word when I was looking for help! The book focuses on recognizing antecedents to unwanted behaviors (i.e., what was the set-up to the tantrum?), the importance of “catching” kids behaving well (and then encouraging and shaping that good behavior) and extinguishing unwanted behaviors by not giving fuel to the fire. It was a big shift for me to change from focusing primarily on the negative behaviors that I wanted to stop (e.g. throwing fits, arguing with the simplest request) and instead to really focus on all the good things I saw my daughter doing and coaching her to apply that spirit to tasks that really set her off, like getting dressed or getting in the bath. I don’t know if it was the book or just time and age, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there soon! Thank you for sharing this post!
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
@Mrs. Twine: Absolutely easier said than done!
@Sarah: That sounds right. Thanks!
@Anne: Thanks for the kind words! I hope like you, in 6ish months I’ll be signing a different tune
I’ll have to check out that book, it’s not one I’ve come across before…
pomelo / 5678 posts
@Mrs. Tiger: I practice validating DD like that, it helps a lot!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i wish i had advice for you (my LO is 2.5 years old), but it all sounds pretty normal to me! i’m no child development expert, but i think a lot of the “quirks” or pickiness is about control (not always, but most of the time). i remember an article describing toddlerhood as “inherently humiliating”–they’re always being told what to do and when, often without explanation (i don’t have time to explain to you that you might fall and crack your head open, just get off the f’ing table), and i remember that phrase a lot when LO seems to be getting bossy or picky.
lastly–we have several pics of our LO on that same exact tractor at frying pan!
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My daughter was terrified of bandaids when she was 3 as well. I remember us being away and she got a cut on her finger and it was torture to try to get a bandaid on her finger. But, at some point when she was 4 she decided she liked bandaids and was putting them all over herself!