Hellobee

My toddler is a mama’s boy.

He loves me something fierce, and from the time he was tiny he has shown a pretty clear preference for being held by me, being comforted by me, and just generally being in my presence. It’s sweet and wonderful and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it’s hard for Mr. Garland sometimes. It breaks both of our hearts a little when Mr. Garland reaches for Jackson and he shouts “no” and snuggles in closer to me, but we know it’s just a phase and there’s only so much we can do about it.

It’s been particularly hard for us to fight this preference because Mr. Garland’s job has him out of the house much more than I am. We’re both teachers but he has some extracurricular duties that, in certain times of the year, mean he’s gone a lot. We have noticed that there’s a very clear correlation between the amount of time he’s gone and the strength of Jackson’s preference for me, so we’ve been taking advantage of the “off time” to work on building their relationship as much as possible and find ways that we can swing the pendulum a little more in Mr. Garland’s direction.

One thing that has been a huge help for us was Mr. Bee’s post on parental preference from a few years back. Mr. Garland really identified with it and started to use some of the strategies that Mr. Bee shared. He started to take Jackson on walks in the evenings a few times a week, and they started going on quick little outings together without me. Jackson seemed to love the 1:1 time with dad and I loved the quiet time at home – win-win! We’ve also worked not to “force” Jackson into time with Mr. Garland, unless it’s absolutely necessary. For example, if he wants me to give him a bath but it’s Mr. Garland’s night, I’ll compromise by walking them up the stairs and to Jackson’s room before sneaking off – he usually doesn’t even notice I’ve left and they get some time to bond.

I’ve also found it makes a huge difference for me to explain to Jackson where I’m going before I leave him alone with Mr. Garland. If we’re all hanging out and I just walk out of the room, he’s gonna freak. However if I say, “Hey Jackson, I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower. You’re going to hang out with dad, okay?” he’ll happily say “byebye!” and hang with his dad until I return with no issues. Now that he’s able to understand what I’m saying to him in these situations, he really likes to know what’s going on and I think it settles a lot of anxiety if I don’t just disappear – then he’s able to actually enjoy the time with his dad with no tears or stress.

Finally, and this is the biggest one for me, is that as the “preferred parent” I have been actively looking for times that I can encourage time together for them. For example, if I leave them alone for a few minutes and when I come down the stairs I see that they’re happily playing in the backyard, it’s likely that I’ll sneak back upstairs and let them hang a little longer. Or if Mr. Garland announces that they’re going on a walk and I’m dying to get out of the house with them, I force myself to stay at the house and give them some time alone. It’s hard to back off sometimes when I see the opportunity for us to spend some good time as a family, but it’s even more important to build up their relationship so I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can facilitate that.

In the last few months we have been actively working to battle the parental preference that we’ve been dealing with for so long, and I am seeing a huge difference. Jackson is starting to call for Mr. Garland when he goes out of sight, just like he does with me, and there are certain routines in his day that have to be done by dad. It warms my heart to see Jackson gravitating to his dad more and I’m glad it seems that we’re leaving the thick of this particular parental preference phase.

How have you worked to deal with parental preference in your home?