When I first became a parent, I was surprised at how many parenting “approaches” there are. I use that term in quotes because “approach” signifies a formula of sorts, and over the years I’ve come to believe that characterizations like “attachment,” “helicopter,” etc. to name a parenting styles are broad terms for usually a few particular practices.

That said, it’s still hard to avoid putting your personal approach in some kind of bucket. Early on I dismissed the attachment parenting approach, but found myself adopting some of its principles. I thought myself to be a pretty free-range parent on many occasions, only to find myself helicoptering instead. None of the parenting approaches fit me as defined, and while I don’t have a huge need to define myself, there always seems to be a time (meeting new moms in gymnastics class, talking to friends about to become first time moms, etc.) that a quick summary of my parenting approach is useful.

As I was reading Mrs. Broccoli’s recent blog post on pacifier weaning, something clicked for me. Like Mrs. Broccoli, I’ve been very reluctant to wean my almost 3 year old from her pacifier. I’d written a post on it, in fact – the paci seems to be Baby C’s calming/turn off button at night, and every attempt at taking it away has resulted in her taking longer to settle down, frustration, etc., something I had a very hard time seeing and knowing I was inflicting, so I always gave in. In a comment to mine, Mrs. Broccoli mentioned that she prefers the “small steps” approach and there was the click – the best way to characterize my parenting approach is that I’m a “small steps” parent.

What this means for me, generally, is that I find myself tackling milestones and issues very cautiously and very responsively to my kiddo. While I’m not completely averse to causing her some discomfort for long term betterment, my limit on how much discomfort to cause is very small, so I instead take small steps to achieve our goals. A few things that have been defining of this “small steps” theory are:

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1) Crib transition. When Baby C was first born, I didn’t even imagine that she would sleep anywhere but the crib, but that approach went out the window before the first night at home was over because I couldn’t sleep a wink in the next room and sleeping in the same room was beyond uncomfortable. So Baby C moved into the Rock n Play next to my side of the bed and stayed there for 3 months. Any attempt at putting her in the crib over those months, regardless of time of day, were met with crying and resistance, so back into my arms or the RnP she went.

A few weeks before I was due to go back to work, I got extremely paranoid that Baby C wouldn’t do well at daycare, being so unaccustomed to the crib. So I bought a video monitor, and shortly after she turned 12 weeks, we moved her into the crib. I watched the monitor like a hawk, and responded to every cry longer than a few seconds. Crying it out was not going to happen, in my book, so I was going to give the kid any contact she needed, while trying to keep her in the crib.

Thankfully for all of us, she adapted to the crib fairly easily. My theory, in hindsight, is that she was just developmentally ready. But I still responded to any sign of distress, and made sure she knew I was there. Small steps.

2) Eating. Baby C was a 36 week premie – no major medical issues but she was barely 4 and a half pounds at birth, so making sure she ate well quickly became an obsession for me and Mr. Carrot. Of course, Baby C responded by becoming the lightest eater ever. At most, she would take 16-20 oz of formula, the lowest end of average for her age and weight, and often under that amount. She also had reflux for the first few months, so she spit up a lot and continued to be a happy spitter until nearly her first birthday. As much as I wanted to try baby led weaning with her, keeping her weight up and trying to minimize spitting up took priority, so we started her on homemade purees – carb/starch, veggie and fat combo of some sort. Because of her size and slowly growing system, she didn’t start tolerating texture until she was nearly a year old, so I began worrying about potential sensory issues. But I decided to keep at it (small steps) and continue to introduce textures and do more solid foods. By 15 months, Baby C was eating a full diet of solid foods and (knock on wood) is a pretty good eater at nearly 3.

3) Potty training. This one is still in development, so I might be writing a different tune in a few months, but as Baby C nears 3 years old, we’re approaching potty training in small steps as well. I have a lot of incentive to get her trained by her 3rd birthday – her daycare will only move her up to the 3s classroom if she’s trained, and because Baby C is pretty on par and even a bit ahead for her age in development, I’d like for her to not linger with younger kids too long (and the $200/month savings that kicks in with the 3s classroom won’t hurt). But Baby C seems to not care much about potty training. She will go comfortably when we put her on a schedule and bring her to the potty, as daycare does and we replicate at home, but she has zero interest in initiating going, still avoids diaper changes and doesn’t seem to recognize that she’s wet or dirty if we don’t make it to the potty. Some part of me wants to dedicate a few days to putting her in underwear and going full speed on training, but another thinks that maybe this is just another example of her not being ready just yet and giving her a bit more time.

4) Pacifier. This continues to be an issue for me, because Baby C’s dentist has recommended for a year now that we wean her off the pacifier to avoid issues with her already narrow palate. But every attempt I’ve made sends me reeling, because it causes her so much despair, and I give in. We seem to be (knock on wood) approaching the other side of our big girl bed transition, where Baby C is not getting out of bed as much and is back to settling down at a fairly normal bedtime, so we might bite the bullet and try to wean off the paci soon. But a big part of me keeps thinking that she just might need more time here as well and to keep with the small steps (stopping usage during naps, which we already have; giving her the paci at night only when she’s getting very close to sleep, etc.).

The biggest defining principle in my parenting so far has been to really be attuned to my kid, as much as possible. Which is one of the hardest things to do, of course, because kids are fickle and can’t really tell you much most of the time, so you’re playing a perpetual guessing game fueled by some bit of gut instinct. Some discomfort is necessary, both on the part of the kid and the parent, but my small steps approach is to make that discomfort only as completely necessary. This is, of course, just my definition. No judgements on anything that works for others are implied.