After 16 weeks of maternity leave, I went back to work full-time last month. Before my baby girls came into this world, I thought that it would be so difficult to return to work. I was so certain of this that I even negotiated a longer maternity leave for myself during my pregnancy. Rather than 12 weeks, I argued for (and received!) 16 weeks.

So it was shocking to me that I had no difficulty transitioning back to work whatsoever. I steeled myself for the tears on that first day back. Those tears never came. I braced myself for feelings of guilt. Those feelings never came. I thought I would feel blue or depressed. Nope – nothing, nada, zilch!

Instead I felt like myself again. Getting up in the morning, showering, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, and slipping on high heels again with a silk blouse, I felt again like the accomplished career woman whom I had left behind months ago. Getting back into a routine felt simply amazing after months of scrambling to find time in my days to regularly shower or brush my teeth.

Arriving at the office, I marveled at the quiet as I settled in to my desk. I sat down to review my emails with a cup of coffee and I finished that coffee before it got cold! I was able to completely finish a task uninterrupted. I had adult conversations about world events instead of babbling one-sided to my baby girls about their poop color or consistency (“Oh look Lilly, you gave mommy a big one!”, “Oh my Audrey, I bet you feel better now that you got that yellow poopy out, honey!”). I was relieved to realize that my voice returned to its normal pitch after having been up in the high baby-range nonstop for months.

I felt simply great. In fact, I felt so damn good that I started to worry that this made me a bad mom. If I felt so good being back at work, did that mean that I didn’t love my babies? Why didn’t I feel all the feels that my mom friends told me all about when they returned to work? I was so concerned that I went so far as to make an appointment with my therapist to work through my lack of sadness about the transition.

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I’m sure that you’ll be shocked to learn that in speaking with my therapist and with some close friends, I’ve determined that there is in fact nothing wrong with me. I’m just meant to be a working mom! I think that this realization may have come easier and quicker for me with two babies than one baby because things are just so very challenging at home with two babies. But who knows… I might have felt the same regardless.

I also have to give credit to our nanny in making the transition back so easy. She is an amazing caregiver and so good with the girls. She does such a great job that I really have never had to worry that the girls aren’t being cared for and loved during the days while I’m at work. She has a different style than me, and I really like that about her. Whereas I emphasize a lot of reading and songs with the girls (usually indoors), she emphasizes socializing with other babies, getting outside and exploring the world. Whereas I am more type-A and rigid; she is very calm and comforting and even-keeled. I make sure to recite the alphabet and numbers every day to the girls; she gets their hands dirty with arts and crafts.

Our nanny takes pictures of the girls throughout the day and posts them to Tinybeans, a photo-sharing app and website that I always have open on my computer at work. This also helps me to feel connected to their days; I can see if they are having fun at story time, I can see if they are upset, I can see if they are full of endless smiles outside at the park. I will admit that I obsessively check Tinybeans throughout my work day and it is my go-to daily work distraction!

A screen shot of Tinybeans moments for the twinblings in August.
A screen shot of Tinybeans moments for the twinblings in August.

We also use the Baby Connect app and our nanny inputs all of the girls’ diapers, feedings, and naps into the app. This is another great way for me to feel connected to their days and I often check this around mid-day and again at the end of my workday to understand how their day has been with Ms. Nanny.

A screenshot of Baby Lilly's Baby Connect stats.
A screenshot of Baby Lilly’s Baby Connect stats.

Perhaps the best part so far of returning to work has been the absolute joy that I feel when I see them in the mornings and evenings. Mr. Starfish and I put our phones away and turn our attention to Lilly and Audrey. We sing songs, we read books, we coax the most amazing smiles out of those little faces. When I was home all day, I have to admit that I didn’t feel as much fun when I played with the girls that I do now when my time with them is more limited. After putting in a long day at the office, filled with all the yummy hot coffee and adult conversations that I can drink up, there is nothing better than settling in for a couple of hours with those sweet little twinblings before they rub those little eyes and are carried up to bed by their working mommy.

Selfie shot of the Starfish family on a pretty typical evening
Selfie shot of the Starfish family on a pretty typical evening