While I wasn’t always completely sure that I wanted children, I did know that if we had kids, I wanted more than one. To be honest, I either wanted zero children or I wanted four.
I grew up as an only child for the first ten years of my life and can remember begging my mother for a little brother or sister. I felt the very lonely existence of being an only child and while I adored my little brother, ten years makes a big difference as a child. Even today, he’s still in college while I’ve been working as an attorney for the last eight years and am married with two kids. We’re in very different places in our lives and I don’t know when that will change, if ever.
I love sleeping babies so much! Please, stop growing!
My father is the oldest of six children and the youngest in his family was born a mere five-and-a-half years after he was (my grandmother had twin boys before the last one). I have always admired their relationships with one another and they have truly demonstrated to me the power of family love. They are all very close to one another, even when some have, at times, lived in other states or even other countries. While I think there are many contributing factors to why they have such close relationships, I think the closeness in age helped when they were growing up.
So, not only did I want to have more than one child, but I wanted them to be spaced closely together. After we had Lion, we actually tried for Irish twins, but it took awhile for my cycle to return. Our kids are 18 months apart, which I think actually worked out well. Lion adores Panda and is always trying to read to him, give him toys, and hold his hand. The toughest phase for us (so far) with Lion was actually when he was 12-15 months because that’s when he had massive tantrums. A big problem was that he had several ear infections during this period and that caused his moods to spiral and he would end up on the floor crying because we wouldn’t let him eat chalk or some equally horrible slight from his perspective. His tantrums decreased at around 15 months when his language started developing very quickly and I am glad we ended up with an 18-month gap.
Now that we have two, where do we stand on having four kids?
My husband was never totally on board with having four, but three was a distinct possibility. However, given the high cost of daycare in our area (the cost of having one child in daycare was as much as our mortgage and now we have two kids in daycare, the costs of which rival Mr. Dolphin’s take home pay), we know that it simply isn’t financially possible to have three kids in daycare at once and we both want to continue working.
We could wait until our oldest is ready for kindergarten and even get pregnant the year before he turns five, since we’d spend nine months pregnant plus have some maternity leave to get us to the point where kindergarten starts. If we have another child, this is certainly what we’d do unless we win the lottery (highly unlikely since we’ve purchased exactly two lottery tickets during our marriage). And because of this timeline and our financial situation, four is basically off the table.
Part of me thinks that we will absolutely try for a third child. I was blessed to have relatively easy pregnancies with both kids. Despite pregnancy complications and enhanced monitoring due to high-risk factors, I felt great. I have more energy when I’m pregnant than when I’m not, I’ve never had the aching back that some women complain of. With my first, I had zero morning sickness. I love being pregnant. I love feeling the tiny kicks, seeing the tiny baby movements on the ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat.
We were also lucky in that our second child started sleeping eight hours straight by the time he was a month, never cried, and was truly the “easy second baby” that people talk about, especially compared to his colicky older brother. Even though Panda had acid reflux, he was never particularly bothered by it. He might projectile vomit, but he’d still have a smile on his face. When he joined our family, he entered it seamlessly and there was no transition period. He just fit in perfectly. Given that we didn’t go through the sleepless nights, are enjoying all facets of having an easy baby and dealt with zero jealousy from Lion who was likely too young to understand exactly what was going on, it’s easy to imagine having a third.
Lion was the sweetest big brother from day 1!
I’d love to have three children because I am drawn to big families. Part of it is my experience looking at my dad’s family. Part of it is looking at some friends that have two or three siblings and their family dynamic. I hope that with three kids, there is even more support for each of the kids through their siblings. I truly believe siblings are a gift and I want our children to have the joy of multiple siblings.
I also become very nostalgic for the newborn phase. Every time I cuddle with Panda, I think about how tiny he is and how much I already miss the days of him falling asleep on my chest. I even feel a little bit of sadness when I think that we’ve finished nursing, even though I never really enjoyed it. I look at Panda and wonder how he got to be so big. There are days that I want one more newborn phase. One more first smile. One more chance to nurse an infant. Just one more child.
BUT. Part of me also fears starting over again. Restarting the clock where it’s another eighteen years before the kids are out of the house. I’ll be five years older than when I had Lion if we wait for him to enter kindergarten and the pregnancy risks go up, plus I might not have the energy I have now.
During my third trimester with Panda, I wondered if we had done the right thing by having a second child. I selfishly thought about how much easier (and cheaper) it is to travel with one child instead of two. I thought of all the things that were already hard with one and multiplied it by two. We’d have to go through all the diapers again. And the teething. And the tantrums.
These two want to share everything together! How would a third fit in to their dynamic?
I worry about how a third would fit into our family dynamic. While there was no transition period for Panda, somehow I don’t think that would be true if we added a third. For one thing, both Lion and Panda would be older than Lion was when we added another child to the family. I only know the 18-month age gap and I loved it so much, that I worry that a different age gap will be harder.
Also, while Panda was an incredibly easy baby, I feel like there’s no way we would be that lucky twice. I think back to Lion’s colic and how he would sometimes cry non-stop for over an hour. We tried everything, but he would still cry. I think about how Lion still doesn’t sleep through the night sometimes and can’t fathom starting that process all over again.
There’s also one other piece that I’m almost afraid to admit and is simultaneously one of the reasons I’d like to try for a third and why I’m hesitant. I want to have a girl. I never thought that I’d have strong feelings about this. In fact, when we were pregnant with Lion, I really wanted a boy and was ecstatic when the ultrasound technician told us the gender at our 20-week appointment. With Panda, I thought I had no preference between having a boy or a girl. While I am thrilled to be a boy mom, part of me wants to try for a girl. I was surprised to find that I feel this way because I was sort of a tomboy growing up. I never played with Barbies, but loved football and legos. Yet I can’t help but wonder how raising a daughter might differ from raising sons, and I want that experience too. I am scared about how I might react if we try for a third and it’s another boy. I can’t help but think I’d be disappointed and I don’t want to have a third without feeling like I’d be 100% okay with either gender. I don’t ever want my hypothetical-third-son to feel like he wasn’t wanted or that we were disappointed. I think I’m 90% of the way there because I love having two boys, but I need to be 100% okay with it.
We still have time to make a decision, but I feel like it’s on my mind constantly and has been for months. Most days I really do want to have a third, but I want that third now and not two or three years from now. Maybe in two years time, I’ll be more certain one way or the other. Perhaps I will be loving life with two kids and absolutely dread the thought of restarting the clock. Or perhaps I will desperately want to hold a newborn in my arms once again and strongly feel that our family is not yet complete. Or maybe I’ll have no more clarity than I do today. For now, I’m trying to enjoy every milestone and moments, with Panda in particular, just in case he is our last.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
reading this, i feel like you need to try for a third! right now! haha. i mostly say that because while sometimes i think of having a third, it’s for the i-love-being-pregnant-and-little-baby feelings, which to me are not good enough reasons to go through all the trouble again. but you seem to have a real pull towards and admiration for larger families.
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
@edelweiss: Haha! I’ve frequently told Mr. Dolphin that I want a third for the pregnancy and newborn cuddles and he always replies, “You know, that phase is super short and not a good reason, right?!” I totally want to try for a third right now, too, because I don’t know that I’ll want to try two years from now when our kids will be out of the baby stage.
nectarine / 2797 posts
My two are 4.5 and 9 months and I’m really really feeling the pull for a 3rd now as all the baby moments slip away. Due to finances and a change in job situation for DH it’s off the table for now, and I’m ok with that since I’ve seen the almost 4 year age gap and really enjoyed it. We’ll see if I still feel the pull and DH agrees in a few years.
guest
Oh my gosh when this popped up in my Blog Lovin app it was as if you were sending thid right to me. Something Ive been thinking abouts tons and feel 100% as you do. We also have 2 boys (18 months apart) and I feel that it’s time to start making that big decision. My hubby feels the same way yours does although he is more fearful of the newborn phase. Both of our boys had colic. It was rough, real rough for the first 9 months or so. Our 1st is a dream sleeper but our 2nd not so much. He didn’t start sleeping through the night unti he was 14ish months and is still not thd best sleeper at 18 months (he’s tons better though). We’ve talked about all the same topics you have and I so feel the same about thr dynamic of a 3rd baby. I too worry about the gap. Seriously it was if I typed this post myself. So glad you shared!
Kendra
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
We lucked out that my oldest turned 5 when our third baby was born. I was on maternity leave for her first Fall semester of Kindergarten. You could even back that up 3 months or so like you mentioned and have a baby the summer before Kindergarten starts. The hardest part has been adjusting to a new kindergarten routine while also balancing a newborn. Just new school, new rules, new parents, teachers, friends etc. I joke that having the newborn wasn’t an adjustment it was Kindergarten!
My oldest two are 3 years apart and the youngest two only 2 years apart. I still really really really love the 3 year gap!
blogger / apricot / 275 posts
I have gone through a very similar thought process on all fronts having relatively easy pregnancies and 2 boys about 22 months apart (although my 1st was an easier baby than my 2nd). We ultimately decided to go ahead and try for a 3rd (and were successful – Baby #3 is scheduled to arrive a few days before Big P’s 4th birthday). I’m a little nervous about the impending chaos particularly because Big P is going through a fierce 3-ager stage and Little P has learned how to climb out of his crib, so we’ve basically not been sleeping ha. But ultimately I’m glad we are going for it. Financially, I think it means we have to have a nanny (or hiring an au pair) instead of putting them in daycare, which has its pros and cons. We also have to buy a new car yikes. Like you I am/ was really hoping our 3rd would be girl even though I love having boys. 2 boys and 1 girl just felt like the perfect combination. We are pretty sure the 3rd is also a boy though ha.
guest
Think about this really carefully — your kids are still young, and your view of how great siblings are comes from other families and particularly adult relationships.
I was an only child and I have three boys between 7 and 12. My view of things are — siblings are amazing to have as an adult, but they are a huge detriment as a child. The screaming, chaos, and fighting is enormous as the kids age, even with brothers who clearly love each other. You say it’s “cheaper” to travel with one — once you have three, you won’t travel at all, unless you’re incredibly rich. You also won’t be able to take them to any adult activity like a museum or restaurant — everything has to be centered around them. With three, you will never get agreement on a single meal — either you cook 2-3 dinners every night or put up with a miserable experience at the dinner table. And finally, forget one-on-one time that each kid desperately needs — you’ll be too busy working to pay for all the kids and their needs to spend time with them except as a group.
Unless you’re extremely rich or have a lot of family support (ie people to help with childcare and cooking for free), I think 1 or 2 children is ideal. When my boys grow up, I think they’ll be grateful for each other, but right now it feels like everyone is getting shortchanged.
guest
My oldest is 3.5 and youngest is 8 months. My husband also has a 20 year old from a previous marriage. We’ve discussed having another (I really want a daughter) BUT I think…4 KIDS to put through college?? We still have some time, but in 4 years I’ll be 40 so if we were to have another, we’d probably need to do it soon (hubby is already 41). I’m also thinking the next will be another boy since my hubby already has 3.
guest
I come from a bigger family and always dreamed of having 4 but that’s not realistic with our ages and financial situation. I think we will try for a third child though, and am excited about that.
If you decide to try for a third, I recommend you not find out the gender. It will be exciting the day the baby arrives and at that point maybe you’ll forget about all the desires for a girl if it turns out to be a boy!
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
@T.H.O.U.: This is what we’re thinking: hoping to have the baby during the summer before Kindergarten starts to coincide with maternity leave so that there aren’t too many big adjustments for our oldest. Glad to hear that you enjoy the 3 year age gap! I’m always so fascinated by the pros and cons of different age gaps.
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
@Mrs. Peas: Congrats, again! I’m still a little jealous that you’re pregnant with your third…probably a sign that I really do want to go ahead and try for the third. I do think that a nanny would be what we have to do with a third, but I’m also hesitant to pull our oldest out of preschool since I think he needs the socialization and structure. We have a tiny car (Honda Fit), and we honestly did check to make sure the new carseats we bought after our car accident would fit three across just in case we do have a third! Glad I’m not the only one with these thoughts about wanting a girl despite loving being a boy mom!
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
@Amanda: I’ve actually thought the same thing! If we have a third, I told Mr. Dolphin that I don’t want to find out the sex ahead of time. I feel that when the new baby comes, I’ll be happy either way (hopefully)!
blogger / apricot / 275 posts
@Mrs. Dolphin: Thankfully we have some relatively affordable preschool options here in the Midwest, so Big P goes to school a few days a week but we still save money with a nanny vs. full time daycare for 2. But it’s a lot to juggle and will start adding up when we enroll Little P next year too.
guest
Thank you for sharing. We have two and honestly can’t fathom expanding our family, but we both come from small families so that’s not too surprising. We are in DC too (and work full time with lousy commutes) and I am curious if you’ve looked into a nanny if you have more children…I have several friends who have “broken even” on costs with two kids and are coming out ahead with three. Our nanny saves our lives on a daily basis.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I can identify so much with this. During my second pregnancy I thought we would be 100% done due to finances. But since then we have realized we could make it work. It would cost more, no getting around that, but we could still have all we need and some of what we want..and we just keep feeling like we aren’t done. I guess we’ll see with time. I’m working PT (I was a SAHM, went to work FT a few months into 2016, and just switched to PT) so we feel like now’s the time. But we’ll see! It really is a tough choice!
persimmon / 1270 posts
I am surprised by how much I want a big family….
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
@2littlepumpkins: “we could still have all we need and some of what we want” Yes! This exactly! For us, we’d have to wait until our oldest is in kindergarten and I know it would be tough, but we still could pay for the things we need and some of what we want.
guest
Sometimes life surprises you and you end up with twins–I speak from experience. If you can accept the idea that you might end up with twin boys on your next pregnancy, I say go for it. Also, an au pair can be an affordable daycare option. We are very thankful for ours.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
I’m super late to this post but I had to comment! I’m right there with you wanting a third! I still have to convince Mr. Cookie and honestly I’m not in any rush. My brother and his wife are due in May and I’m going to live vicariously though those baby snuggles WITHOUT all the sleepless nights haha.
My second was harder than my first so I’m hoping if I have a third, I’m hoping they’d be a good sleeper but who knows? We are for sure taking 2017 to enjoy our family as it is right now since we also had our first two close together. 2018 on the other hand? A different story!
Good luck with the decision, but don’t feel like you have to decide right now!!