For the past six months, we’ve been on a seemingly endless loop of two unending conversations around our home, revolving around two big questions:

  • Is there a “right” or “wrong” reason for having another kid?
  • How much uncertainty is too much?

Not easy questions, of course. Questions with “answers” that seem to shift based on mood, or something we read that day, or the position of former-planet-Pluto in the sky at high noon.

I mean, not really that last one, but you get it.

As with all things in life, what is one ‘right’ reason for me may be a ‘wrong’ reason for you. But is there a universally accepted element that screams YOU MUST HAVE ANOTHER CHILD? Or, maybe more glaringly, YOU MUST NOT? I decided to poll some mama friends because my partner and I exist in this never-ending circle of “maybe we should!”

A few themes emerged from this crowdsourcing experiment and they have very little to do with the actual reality of having a baby and more to do with the foundation of the relationship/partnership of the two people seeking to have another kid (or…not).  Namely:

“I think it just depends on the family what the right reasons may be… I’ve certainly never seen kids in an unstable marriage save a marriage or end well ever. I’ve seen marriages fall apart over kids, never saw the opposite. I’m far from an expert, but kids are rough and I feel your marriage needs to be rock solid.”

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and:

“I think reasons vary by family, and the reasons that may be right for one family aren’t enough for another. For example, I think a very wrong reason to have a child is to try to fix an ailing marriage/relationship.”

and finally:

“I have never seen “saving the marriage” kids successfully save the marriage… babies are not an effective tool to save a relationship.”

Every single mama I asked noted that – we can all agree – what’s wrong for one family might be right for the other. That doesn’t leave me any better off, but there are a few very impactful comments that share what ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ look like for some families, including:

“I definitely think that what’s right for one family could be wrong for another. I think one aspect that doesn’t get discussed a lot in the debate on whether to have more is the health of either or both parents. For myself, this is a major determining factor….the risks go up dramatically for me with each subsequent surgery and pregnancy. So part of my decision making process involves how the potential health risks could affect not only my pregnancy and new child, but also my ability to take care of [my current child]. I don’t want to compromise my physical parenting abilities for [my current child], which is a major possibility.”

One friend’s comment really resonated with me, and seemed to capture much of what I feel on the days when I feel more strongly that I’m ready to have a second child:

“Many people want have more kids to give their child a sibling while my desire to have another is completely unrelated to [my current child] having a sibling. I just really want to experience pregnancy, a newborn, and childhood over and over, and experience raising a new different human.”

As with the mama just above, my desire for doing this whole amazing biological thing again is STRONG but, for me, is met with strong resistance when I consider that I just now feel like I’m getting back to who I want to be, mentally and physically. I am finally having more time to be social, and active, and do things like read again! I often wonder if waiting ‘so long’ to consider having another- William will be three this year – has colored my view. If we’d had a second one sooner, more back-to-back, I wouldn’t have had time to adjust to my new normal of life with one little person and my partner. Adjust to a world where I can go to yoga three times a week, and run a few other nights a week, and see my friends a few times a month. When last minute social engagements are fun rather than daunting because I know my kid can hang for a few hours while we do that adult conversation thang.

The idea of starting all over again – the hard overwhelming sometimes barely survivable difficult to describe fourth trimester, the teething, the sleeping through the night (OR NOT!!!) – feels so.freaking.exhausting. I read that sentence back to myself and I know – that’s selfish. There are so many reasons to have another kid, but sometimes they don’t seem…big enough.

My partner and I come back to a third, smaller question – one that another mama friend shared in her own words:

“We’ve likely chosen not to have another child because neither of us can pull the trigger and say, “I definitely want another child.” Other women I’ve spoken to have taken this ambiguity as a sign that they should have another, their reasoning being that neither partner can state, “I don’t want another child.”

I can’t say we don’t want another one. Instead, we ask ourselves: “Will we always wonder ‘what if we HAD raised a second child?'” Add that question to the all the ‘right’ reasons we should have another kid – we love being parents, we can financially provide for a second child while also mostly maintaining the lifestyle we’d like to lead, we would love for our son to have a sibling, and beyond – and we’ve settled, I think.

The feather that tipped the proverbial scale for us, right there. It’s time to try for a second kid.

(I think! Ha!)

What say you? What was the right reason for your family to expand or stay the size you are now? Is there a right or wrong reason?