Hellobee

You know how babies get separation anxiety because they are realizing that they are a separate being from their mother? Yeah Jujube is going through it again… my friendly girl is clinging to me and crying every time someone new comes towards her. This time though I think I’m going through the momma version along with her, realizing that my baby is not a part of me. It’s not that I cry when we’re apart; it’s that I’m finally realizing that she’ll be her own person.

This tiny person is quickly gaining confidence, skills, and personality. Last night I watched her start to run for the first time and a wave of nerves washed over me. Today she said a new word. I’ve been so used to having my baby around. I’ve figured out how to be a mom to a baby. I don’t know how to be a mom to a child! I’m realizing how much she is going to change in the next few months and I feel quite unprepared. Up until now she’s mostly been MY girl, MY baby, at times like an (all consuming) accessory to our lives. I know it’s gradual but these early years are so rapid that you feel it more. I don’t feel ready to parent a child for the foreseeable future. Someone who will remember my mistakes or temper flares, hold me accountable to ideas I have in the moment, and roll her eyes at my quirks.

Of course her progress thrills me in ways that make sense only to parents but I guess what it comes down to is I’m scared for the unknown. I am the first of my siblings to have a child and I’m far away from my friends with kids so I’ve never intimately watched a baby progress from infancy to childhood.

I remember going on a women’s retreat five years ago and some mommas were apart from their babies for the first time and kept checking in and making a big deal out of the separation. Thankfully there were a lot of other women on that retreat to sympathize because I remember thinking it was crazy. I was deep into my identity as someone in local fashion design, creative collaboration, my work and other things that I felt made me, me at the time. I thought, it’s good for mommas to have identity aside from their children, right? It’s good for the kids too have some independence, right? Put your phone away and enjoy the freedom!

Oh, how the tides have turned… As my husband and I make plans to celebrate our anniversary getaway without Jujube, I find myself thinking, one night is enough, right? She needs me! I’ve become very accustomed to my new identity as someone who is constantly needed. This isn’t even taking mom-guilt into account.

Though I wish I had been more sympathetic back then, I think there is wisdom in both my pre and post baby perspectives. As an Enneagram 4, before I became a mom, I was overindulgent with self-care. I was quick to opt out of obligatory social events if I wasn’t in a good place, I took mental health days when I needed them, and I squeezed in exciting hobbies around full time work because it fed something important in me. In hindsight, I probably should have spent a little more of that time caring for those around me and doing the dishes, but I did feel healthy and I worked hard to keep that balance.

The knowledge of my youth echoes probably the number one mantra today for moms and I think it’s a good reminder every time: self-care is not selfish. Self-care is key, it’s good for you, it’s better for your family, and it’s so important long term. I would extend the same thing to dads too. Though I’m grateful that motherhood has relaxed my ego in some ways, I think there’s a difference between letting go of my identity as an artist vs. letting go of my artistic expressions and personal hobbies that bring me joy.

I’ve also noticed some new insecurities popping up. I loved my pregnant body and was proud of my roundness even months after birth, knowing that my body can do amazing things. But if Jujube and I are separate beings now – then I am personally responsible for my health and my body. I’ve been noticing my renewed interest in more make up, time spent in front of the mirror and secondhand shopping, realizing that I’m constantly hoping to find a new top that will fall perfectly over my stomach, disguising how much it sticks out. And none of those things are bad! I’m glad I can find time to care for myself, dress my new shape, and I enjoy thrift shopping for more reasons too. I just know that for me personally, it’s a feel-good avoidance technique. Which brings me to exercise. It always seems like the lowest priority for me even though I know it’s necessary. Regular exercise would offer more physical and mental benefits and balance as well as personal time all in one. I’m ready to claim the space for the kinds of exercise that I find enjoyable, even if they take up more time than going for a quick but painful jog that I hate every minute of. I need to make a commitment because intentions alone never get done. Any other former or current rock climbing mommas out there?

One of the major reasons we moved out to Thailand before having a child was because we didn’t want to lose ourselves (and each other) in the rush between work and child-raising that seems to pervade life in US cities. There’s a slowness here that I am so grateful for. Yet I still find it difficult to ask for space for myself, even though my life and my husband would support it. Perhaps 14 months postpartum is the perfect time to reintroduce myself to former self and to create a little more space. Next month Jujube’s separation anxiety should be waning a little so meeting new people shouldn’t be as difficult, and she’s just getting into full on copycatting, whether it’s songs with actions, yoga poses or words – so modeling healthy behaviour is paramount. I always thought I’d be the kind of momma who maintained some independence and planned to teach my daughter to embrace her uniqueness, love and care for herself, and find her passions by doing those things myself.

Especially with the distance, I find that it’s so important to have other momma friends (and my own mother) near and far who have wisdom and encouragement to offer. My friend who just had her third child told me I’ve reached the age where it just keeps getting more fun. I love holding onto that wisdom as I watch my daughter grow.

Jujube’s New Interests:
Putting her outdoor shoes on
Kittens
Photo albums
Occasional hair bows
Peg Puzzles
Putting things in other things
Bike rides
Finger games and belly tickles
Mangosteen
Swimming
Drinking from a straw
Kissing her dolls and stuffed animals
Doing the traditional Thai “wai” for hello
Picking out her favorite fruits at the market
And she still loves anything to do with dogs

This really is getting more and more fun! Who has advice and/or encouragements for me as I prepare to be a mom to my little person?