Hellobee

Oh, absolutely. My parents NEVER played with me and I never expected them to. I played outside with my brother or alone in my room. In the summers I would often go ride my bike by myself, lost in my own imagination. We did family things (mini road trips) but we always played together alone.

I want to do the same with my LO. I want her to play outside, to have an imagination, and no need me to entertain her. Of course, I would love to play with her at the park and things like that but my wish is for her to not *need* me.

We definitely will. I have a friend whose little girl is 4 years old and she can not play by herself!! When I visit with my friend every five minutes her daughter comes up to her and says “I don’t know what to do now”. She has no creativity or independence. That really struck a chord with as something I don’t want for my kids. Such a high level of codependence isn’t good for mommy or child.

My parents definitely practiced benign neglect but I don’t know how to do this with my own daughter quite yet. Do you think there is an age when you start this? At 20 months, my daughter still clings to me and won’t leave my sight at home. She goes to daycare full-time so I think that must mean she misses spending time with me so she won’t play by herself at home. In fact, she even wants to be carried all the time! Maybe she will outgrow this but for now I don’t see how I can put benign neglect into practice.

@Andrea: i think i was only ready for it in the past month or so. something clicked in charlie when he turned 2 and he’s become so much more independent. he sings to himself, he plays with his toys, he’ll play in other rooms when we’re not there…

maybe give your daughter a little more time? charlie is in full time daycare too.

@Mrs. Bee: thanks! i keep wondering if something will click for her or if i have to do something. but then I think that she is still young so i will wait and see. it makes me feel better that you saw a change once charlie turned 2!

@Andrea: when i first learned about benign neglect, charlie was 10 months old and i couldn’t fathom how i’d leave him alone. he was cruising, falling, and loved touching things he wasn’t supposed to. even at that age though our parents practiced a lot of benign neglect.

now that he’s older, i can definitely see the benefits. my friend who works from home has a son the same age as charlie that’s very independent because he’s used to entertaining himself. i thought that was a good thing!

@Mrs. Bee: my daughter follows me around the house even though i always tell her i will be right back. it never works and what am i supposed to do? say don’t follow me? i think i just have to wait until she is ready to be more independent on her own and once that happens just let her go for it!! i think every child is different in that respect. some kids are not clingy at all and you can probably starting practicing benign neglect earlier on.

This is a great topic, Bee! I was just feeling guilty last night because LM was happily playing with one of her toys by herself and I was sitting beside her surfing the net on my iPad. I felt that I should have been engaging her, but I also don’t want to constantly overstimulate her or distract her. She is happy to play and discover how to manipulate her toys all by herself, she just prefers that someone is nearby.

My parents also never played with me or my brothers and we came up with the best games and ways to entertain ourselves. You’re right about the Mongolian and African babies in Babies. They were left to their own devices and played with animals! This is a great wake up call for me to just relax and enjoy being with LM and not worry so much all the time.

@Andrea: what if you engage her in your household chores like what mrs. hide and seek blogged about awhile back? i think that’s what my parents were good at — they didn’t “play” with us, but they engaged us in a way that felt like play when we were really working for them (eg digging up dirt in the garden, peeling garlic, washing dishes, etc.)

and we haven’t done anything differently — charlie has always loved playing with us. it really has just been in the past month or so that he became so engrossed in his own play. he plays with his thomas trains, he cooks at his play kitchen, he plays by himself during his bath while mr. bee and i talk to each other… sometimes i don’t even know where he is (usually hiding in the bathroom or closet when he has to poop)!

I really don’t like the term benign neglect. It sounds very negative. I do agree that it’s important for kids to be able to learn to interact with their environment on their own terms and not mommy’s and daddy’s terms. But there’s nothing neglectful about that.

Also I think it’s quite normal for babies to need mommy and daddy as babies and they can slowly learn to entertain themselves for longer periods, though I do think there’s a balance because children learn a lot from their parents and other children too, I’d be irritated if my husband regularly sat and watched TV over interacting with his child.

I also disagree that playing with your children is a modern invention. The image of Jesus gathering little children to him and saying heaven belongs to them is a very important message in Christianity.

@Mrs. Bee: mrs. hike and seek’s post really spoke to me and i thought she had great ideas for my situation. i even told DH that we need to start implementing some of those ideas. thanks for reminding me of it!

sigh. there’s just SO much about parenting i have no clue about. my parents definitely practiced “benign” neglect – they were never home! is that full-on neglect? haha. they were always working at their store. i do want to be there for my kids when they need me – my parents were never around when i needed help with homework, for example. but i agree with you re: wanting my kids to develop their own sense of imagination. and be able to play with themselves. i guess it helps to have 2 babies at the same time because then they can entertain themselves and i won’t have to be so involved.

I have very fond memories of both my parents playing with me, especially reading to me, for what it’s worth. My mom does tell say that she used to tell me, “Okay, time for you to play and I’ll watch!” or she would even set a timer for me to tell her a story, and I would talk and talk for as long as 10 minutes without stopping. But honestly, I am not super independent… so there’s that!

My parents practiced benign neglect. My stepmom used to kick us out of the house and lock the doors. She would tell us to stay outside and play. She was able to do housework and have a little time to herself in peace that way. Some of my fondest childhood memories come from playing outside with my siblings. We would invent games, go exploring, and do all kinds of stuff. We did play games together as a family and we always had dinner together.

Wait, this is a real thing? I didn’t know! We started using this term to refer to crying it out and the idea that we are there if he really needs us, but otherwise we’re going to let him sort it out.

I’ve talked many times to different people about how if we think about what life was really like for people 200 years ago, they didn’t have time to sit down and play puzzles and engage with their child 24/7. They had cows and chicken and pigs, they had laundry and dishes and cooking, sewing, mending, farming, factories. It must have been exhausting! My friend takes her children out of the house to the park, or museums at LEAST twice a day. I think that kind of thing is awesome if that fulfills you, but I feel like modern American culture is telling me if I don’t do it that way then someone how I’m going to ruin my kid. But living life like that is a relatively recent thing, due to the wealth of America and modern conveniences/appliances doing so much of our work for us.

I also feel guilty, like I’m supposed to engage and entertain him every second of every day (the internet doesn’t help with this). This is why having a yard in our next residence, and having a second baby, are so important to me. The kids can play together both inside and outside and I can go along my merry way benignly neglecting them

I actually brought this up to my husband recently, though I didn’t know it had a name. I was transferring old home videos from VHS to DVD for my mom’s Christmas present when I came across a video of my dad and my uncles having a BBQ. My older brother (then only 4-5) was the only kid there, but none of the adults played with him the entire time. Instead he ran in and out of the view of the camera playing with a paper airplane for an hour. The adults would talk/interact with him when he came up to them or called them directly, but for the most part, they left him alone to do his thing. At first, I compared the situation to the way I see my baby cousins and nieces and nephews treated nowadays and I almost cried because I felt so bad for my poor older brother who had to play by himself for an hour. Then I realized that in the video, my brother is happy. He was having fun entertaining himself, and that’s something I know from experience that the young kids in my family nowadays can’t do because there’s someone playing with them at all times.

I think it’s important to allow kids to develop their own imaginations and let them think of their own ways to stay entertained. I know my love for reading stemmed from a need to fill time where I didn’t want to play sports for video games with the boys, but I also have cherished memories of family game nights and my parents reading to us before bed. It’s definitely all about balance.

I love this topic. When they are so little, they NEED so much attention and it is normal to give it to them. They learn from us and can’t get enough. As they gain confidence and yearn for more freedom it is great to give it to them. I was reading some books about Waldorf education (I can’t say it’s a method I would completely embrace for my daughter but that’s beside the topic) and there’s a point they make about letting kids do their “work” (which is playing.) At a certain age (I’m unsure what that IS) they have play “cycles” that last around 3 hours and they say it is not good to interrupt that cycle. That they are engrossed in their work and their plans and that when the cycle is over, they are tired, satisfied, and ready for other things. But if it is interrupted, they are fussy, upset, and angry. Like they are being ripped out of their little worlds. They talk about it being key to let them do their thing on their own. I do believe, though, it’s for older kids. 5 and up perhaps? Hmmm. Anyway, there’s something to be said for letting kids live in their own worlds for a while and let them do their thing. My little one has stretches where she plays alone (at 2.9 years old)…sometimes she’ll go 40 minutes playing with her dollhouse stuff and looking at books. She alternates between needing structured play or time with me and playing on her own. We go back and forth through the day and it seems to work out well. I know she will need me less and less as she gets older so I’m relishing the time while I have it. Another part of the issue is that if your child has any developmental delays, you need to spend MORE time with them so they can learn from you as you work on the skills they need to “catch up.” So, I guess it depends on what your particular situation is.

I agree that kids need time to play on their own instead of constantly being engaged, but I think with smart phones and the like, it is easy to be halfway there for your kids and halfway in lala tech land. We recently went to dinner and watched as a father spent the entire meal on his device while his son sat there silently. I even catch myself on my iphone while my little brother is talking to me and I make noises like I’m listening, but I’m not fully present.

Yep, they did. That’s why I’m independent probably.LOL Which is another reason I plan to do this as well!

I do feel guilty as well b/c I work. I try to let her play alone, in her bouncer sometimes though.

I don’t like the term “benign neglect” either but I’m a big proponent of it. I spend plenty of hours playing with my LO but I’ve also encouraged her to play by herself so that she isn’t dependent on outside stimuli for entertainment. In the interest of full disclosure though, there were a few tears and some whining involved in the “encouragement” process. Some days are better than others but she can usually entertain herself for 10-20 minutes playing with her books or toys, almost always on a full stomach.

However, since my LO started walking last month, she’s been super clingy and is never more than 5 ft away from me; more often than not she demands to be held. It’s so exhausting!!! This past Monday, I was so tired, I fell asleep on the living room floor and woke up about 20 minutes later to see her content to just sit next to me and play by herself. Knowing this, I’ve snuck in a nap every day this week, lol. I sure hope this clingy phase passes soon.

So that’s the term when our parents sat on the back porch and drank wine while all of us played kick the can? Count me in. Learning to play by yourself, imaginary friends and real friends without have helicopter parents around is essential in my book.

I agree with Ms. Tic Tac Toe! While in the past parents may not have always been right on top of their kids, I’d like to think that when they were there, they were there. Sometimes I feel like when I’m there with my babe, I’m not all there because I’m looking at my BlackBerry or something. I don’t feel bad about putting him in the pack and play while I prepare his lunch for the next day or whatever, but I do feel guilty when I am looking at my phone instead of playing with him. Soon he won’t even want to play with me so I feel I should enjoy it.

Thanks for this post – I think your point is really important! Jenna points out that 200 years ago, people simply didn’t have time to play with kids. It’s so true, but not even 200 years ago — I’m a Peace Corps Volunteer in Guatemala, and that’s exactly the way it is in my town today. Until they can walk, children are constantly with their mothers or another adult family member or sometimes siblings — but almost like scenery — they are usually carried on the back for errands, chores, etc., and get used to just chilling out and observing, with relatively little attention to them as individuals (they are soothed if they cry, of course). Around 2 1/2 years old, kids transition from being carried to playing with older siblings or cousins, and receive even less individual attention from parents. By the age of 9 or 10 you can trust a young girl to competently watch her baby sibling. (And that’s not to say parents ignore their kids entirely – they still love them and share close bonds and engage in conversation and prayer, they’re just not there to entertain the kids at all.)

This is really for cultural reasons. First, as Jenna points out a big part of it is that people do have a lot of work and chores to do – hand-washing huge piles of laundry, food is made from scratch, cleaning house, tending animals or the garden, weaving, working the fields all morning, fixing roads, tending the store. But that’s not the most important factor in my opinion. I don’t think — even if the mother or father have a couple hours of daily recreational time, which most people do in the tropics on rainy afternoons – they’re probably going to watch TV or attend a community meeting or maybe go visit family. They’re certainly not going to set aside the time to do something specifically with their child!

For me the biggest factor is family size, and that there are so many children here. Most families have 3-5 children, some as many as 8 or 9. Even if a kid here is a first child, he or she certainly has neighbors or cousins eager to welcome him or her into the fold, and girls especially grow up caring for younger children. And it’s a system that works, really. Kids learn about human interaction and responsibility from a young age, toddlers get the engagement they need, and parents are free to work! Win-win.

So because of these factors — both work and family size — the attitude toward kids is simply part of the culture in itself. I have rarely seen anyone over the age of 16-17 engaging a toddler in extended play or other stimulation. If kids whine or try to get that sort of attention from their parents or other adults, they simply don’t get a response — so they learn to look elsewhere. And since there are so many kids around, they easily find the engagement they need.

I can understand that with declining birth rates in the US, and a loss in many places of close community and its corresponding “neighborhood” gang of kids, the need for adults to play with kids and generally attend to them has increased in the US. And consequently, adults having an obligation to entertain and stimulate their kids has in itself become part of our culture. For the most part we expect it and so do the kids. Even a friend of mine here who worked in the US and had two kids in the US would sometimes play with her kids on her day off. (A habit she has since dropped since coming home with the kids.)

After awhile I realized here that kids tend to like being with me, at least superficially, because I give them so much attention and play games and etc., which is so unusual here. I realized over time that there is a fairly healthy balance here in Guate, though.

This is not to say that I’m arguing that parents of only kids should have 2-3 more kids – but I totally agree with the author of the blog post, that parents should be able to relax a lot about making the most of every second. Leaving them to entertain themselves most of the time won’t inflict serious harm on kids and may be positive in some ways.

I totally agree with this. I let my 20 month old son just roam the corner I’ve set aside for him while I get around to doing my things. If I’m going to be on the internet he needs to learn to play by himself. When I do try to play with him I realize I’m just too mentally advanced to enjoy his toys and he would do better on his own. Sometimes I give him adult toys like the vacuum to play with while I take photos for my blog so he can get past his baby stage and learn to be independent. I would definitely never take my kid out to story hour at the library where he might pick up bad habits from other kids or hang around the uneducated people who use libraries.

When I saw the topic, it jumped out because (in a different context), our PD mentioned it at my twins 2 month old visit where babies learn to self soothe in families with multiple children.

When I was little, my mum read, played and interacted with me a lot. But during my school going years, I was a latchkey kid. I a very independent, perhaps too independent since I do not rely on my mum for anything on a regular basis.

I am a working mum too and like you, feel that I should spend what little time I have with Melody when she’s home on week nights and on weekends. She started daycare at 5 months and pretty much spends at least 8 hours there and we get maybe an hour or so with her before her bedtime. As she got older, it was maybe 2 hours. That’s just so little time spent together!

Melody can play by herself for little stretches and when I am busy, I will involve her e.g. getting me the oven mitt or taking food items from the pantry etc. But we can also see that she enjoys playing with us and mss us since she doesn’t get to see us most of the day. We love playing with her (after dinner, before bedtime) and relish the time spent together. We may not always be actively engaged in her play e.g. I may be flipping through a magazine while she plays on her own but when she wants to engage me in her play, I’m there.

I just have a different views …. These are their formative years and the time where we are their world. Once they start school proper, have their own friends/life and gain independence, they wouldn’t spend as much time with us anymore, even if we desire it! So I feel that we should treasure this time with them right now.

I love this post! I want to post it on FB so my in-laws can read it (bit I digress)! It’ll be a few months until our little one arrives but I have always been hyperaware about putting focus away from material things – that’s one of the reasons why I chose to live outside a city, in a country filled with forests.

I grew up with two hardworking parents that liked to show their affections with material possessions, when all I really wanted was to see them around. Even now as an adult, that’s the way my Mom shows her love for me, which took sometime to deal with. I don’t want that for my kids and I don’t want to teach them to value toys over their imagination and that items = love.

But as for attention, I never thought it was possible to pay too much attention to a child (this is coming from a person that isn’t a parent yet). Now that I’ve been reading more about it, I can see how easy it is to be overly involved and it’s definitely something I’ll have in mind when the little ones comes.

Thanks, Bee =)

My grandma comes over to my house to show me how to ‘ignore’ my baby. Just leave her there, put her in the stroller, put her down. She reminds me for the 10th time how my uncle used to play for hours by himself. It actually disappoints me b/c I want her to show a lot of affection for my babe when she visits to build bonding. Anyway, my mom also talks a lot about how I would play by myself for hours. I think I had lots of imagination time when I was a kid but good thing I loved reading b/c that entertained me and in the process, taught me a lot.
Well, I worked in trying benign neglect guiltfree this morning with my almost 1 year old. She had a blast playing in her playnpack, crib and walker in the hallway. We also had a playdate for 3 hours so that balanced it out. I noticed at bedtime she had a hard time settling down but after some extra cuddles she finally crashed hard. I definitely think I can work it in 3 separate half hour stretches throughout the day, just enough time to tidy up. It would have been much harder when she was younger. Maybe it will get harder when she starts walking too.

Great post. It really resonated with me as this is how children are raised in my culture, but being in New York sometimes makes me think if I did that I would be doing something wrong. I don’t think so though, I want my kids to be independent and not need constant attention from adults.

what a great post. this is really something to think about & I agree with your stance. fwding to my husband as well b/c while I know I want our kids to be creative & imaginative & independent, I can honestly say I hadn’t thought about the whole leaving them alone to become that way thing. thanks!

Heh heh. We pediatricians are huge fans of benign neglect! We often joke at work about how the best way to raise a kid is to give them a good foundation and then let them figure it out. Perhaps we feel this way because we’re always so busy and don’t have more time to spend with our kids… but my friends with older families have bright, happy, well-adjusted kids… so they must be doing something right!

As part of a family of 4 kids, benign neglect was standard operating procedure. If anything, I think it made me strive more in everything I did because I wanted to stand out

Love benign neglect…just didn’t know the name
I was raised in the 1950s and can’t tell you how many times we were told to be a child and go play outside — we did as we were told although we didnt always want to at first but we always had a ball once we were there…made many a playhouse out of straw, hay and old boards we found outside. Also made ovens out of bricks and cooked our mud pies in the sun…picked berries off bushes for peas, caught rainwater in paper cups when it rained and poured off the roof. Our imaginations ran wild — we saw Indians behind the trees and found sticks shaped like guns so we could protect each other. It didn’t make us grow up to be criminals either — we knew it was pretend. I can tell parents we grew up to be successful kind patient individuals who were well loved by our parents and friends — in short a wonderful life! We had few “toys” and what we had usually only came at Christmas. Try it folks…it works! I’m living proof!