As Charlie has gotten older and chattier, he’s started to tell me less about his day!  When I picked him up from daycare, I’d always ask him: “How was your day? What did you do? Did you have fun?”  Kind of like the mom in Cat in the Hat:

At first Charlie would answer me but over time, I started getting the answer every parent dreads.

Me: “How was your day?”
Charlie: “Good.”
Me: “What did you do?”
Charlie: “Nothing.”
Me: “Did you have fun?”
Charlie: *Shrugs shoulders.*

I tried being specific with my questions (“What did you paint today after lunch?”) which helped, but didn’t always get a conversation going. I kinda felt like I was forcing things and wasn’t sure what to do… until I stumbled upon this excerpt from one of my favorite parenting books: 

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Don’t Ask Too Many Questions

The classic “Where did you go?” . . . “Out” . . . “What did you do?” . . . “Nothing” didn’t come from nowhere. Other defensive tactics children use to fend off questions they aren’t read or willing to answer are “I dunno” and “Leave me alone.”

One mother told us she felt she wasn’t being a good parent if she didn’t answer her son questions. She was amazed to discover that when she stopped bombarding him with questions and listened with interest when he did talk, he began to open up to her.

Does this mean you may never ask your child questions? Not at all. The important thing is to be sensitive to the possible effect of your questions.

Oops! I hadn’t considered at all the possible effect of my questions. So I tried cutting back dramatically on the questions I asked Charlie and sure enough, it’s started to have an impact! Here’s a typical conversation we might have now:

Me: “Wow I’m so happy to see you! I missed you.”
Charlie: “I missed you too!”
Me: Silence
Charlie: (much later): “We painted an elephant today!”

Most of all, I kind of felt like I had been annoying him before with all of my questions. But now that vibe is gone, and I think both of us are enjoying our time together more.

Still though, it is REALLY hard not to ask “How was your day?!! It’s just such an automatic thing to say… it took me a while to stop saying it automatically. Now I try to replace it with something happy: “Oh I missed you so much!” or “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” Or, “I love how colorful your shorts are!”

Does this stuff work? I think so, but it can be hard to tell with toddlers. But I was talking about all this with Andrea on the boards, and I realized that I do this same thing with Mrs. Bee! When she gets home from spending time with her friends, I’ll pepper her with “How was your day?” and “Did you have fun?” She would answer, but then the conversation would peter out pretty quickly. Finally I remembered this quote from that same parenting book I mentioned earlier:

One common parental inquiry that seems to be experienced as a pressure is, “Did you have fun today?”  What a demand to make upon a child!  Not only did he have to go to the party (school, play, camp, dance) but the expectation is that he should enjoy himself.  If he didn’t, he has his own disappointment to cope with plus that of his parents.  He feels he’s let them down by not having a good time.

So I’ve stopped asking Mrs. Bee if she’s had fun as soon as she got home, and I’ve noticed that after a while, we’ll end up having a nice conversation about her evening anyway! She gets a little while to decompress from being out… and I don’t feel like I’m pestering her with questions. The whole experience has helped confirm for me that being asked questions as soon as you get home can be annoying, no matter how old you are!

Is your toddler chatty about their day when they get home from being out and about?