Hellobee

A few months ago, Mrs. Bee and I realized that Charlie was showing signs of being spoiled.  He was whining more than usual, throwing tantrums and in general insisting on getting his own way.  That’s typical of any two-year-old, but his behavior felt more intentional than it had in the past.  We are both really committed to raising kids who aren’t spoiled or entitled, so these hints of bratty behavior were pretty distressing.

We also felt a little confused by all the parenting books out there. They all say that you can’t spoil a child for the first few months. They also say that you can’t use techniques like timeouts and verbal instruction until 18-24 months.

But what do you do from 3-6 months to 18-24 months? We hadn’t done anything at the time, and had ended up making every mistake you could imagine. By 24 months, Charlie was definitely showing signs of becoming spoiled.

That’s when we started reading up like crazy. And we realized that in retrospect, there are so many things we could have started earlier! We’ve pulled together a list below: 

1) Stop buying toys

Charlie gets sooo excited when he gets a new present that for a little while, we fell into the toy trap. For example, we got him this Harvey the Crane toy since he’s currently obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine:

It’s so fun to see Charlie’s face when we get him something, and so for a brief while we bought him toys to get that brief emotional high from seeing our child happy. After a little while though, we learned that toys can become an endless cycle of materialistic acquisition. I don’t think it spoils a kid right away, but eventually Charlie would probably start asking for toys and that’s when the entitlement really kicks in.  And more importantly, toys keep him away from more immersive child-driven activities that can really help him go into his own world of imagination (where parents and parental attention just don’t matter).  More on that below.

So now we’ve committed to completely breaking the toy cycle. We no longer buy Charlie a toy just because we think he will enjoy it. There has to be another reason (education, sensory play, etc.).

2) Start activities as soon as you can

Charlie is painting with whipped cream with some food coloring mixed in here. It’s a great way for babies who put things in their mouth to start painting!

We’ve been blown away by how much Charlie loves sensory play! He is totally addicted to painting and drawing now too.

Activities have been great at keeping him focused and out of trouble. I wish we had started seriously getting into activities a long time ago. We used to give Charlie some paper and crayons, and draw together from 18 months on. While that was a great start, it pales in comparison to how sensory play and activities have unlocked his excitement and focus. We could have started sensory activities much earlier with things like edible paints!

The great thing about activities has been that it’s enabled Charlie to engage in child-driven play. When he is painting the bathtub walls with colored shaving cream, he is truly deep in his imagination and not looking for attention from his parents. That really seems to calm him down, and keeps him entertained without having to seek out parental attention.

I can’t say enough good things about child-driven play and activities! They’ve been really great for converting our little monster into a less-spoiled Charlie.

3) Don’t have two sets of rules for when your kid is sick, and when your kid is well.

If your kid doesn’t get sick too often, this may not be a big deal for you. But Charlie was sick for much of the past year, and he quickly learned that he could use our pity against us and get pretty much whatever he wanted (i.e. ice cream). Even after he got well, his spoiled behavior would persist for quite some time.

We learned the hard way not to relax our rules too much just because our kid was sick. We are still especially nice and loving to Charlie when he is sick. But he no longer gets the huge latitude and freedoms that we would give our sick Charlie out of pity.

4) Start practicing your calm assertive energy.

Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, talks about the importance of having calm, assertive energy with your dogs:

Calm-assertive energy – This is the energy you project to show your dog you are the calm and assertive pack leader. Note: assertive does not mean angry or aggressive. Calm-assertive means always compassionate, but quietly in control.

I often work to center or re-center myself when I’m with the kids, so that I am projecting calm, assertive and confident energy. I find that this sort of energy really calms the kids down. And once we started using French Nos, I found that calm assertive energy was essential for having Charlie listen to me!

Sometimes I do get frustrated with the kids.  I use that as a cue to take a deep breath, and focus on re-centering myself.  Kids really do sense your energy, and respond to it — it’s truly amazing.  Ever since embracing calm assertive energy, I’ve found that Charlie has been more centered as well.

5) Practice redirecting your kids.

You can redirect kids from a very early age. If Charlie tries to climb inside the dishwasher again (what is it with kids and dishwashers??), then we will go inside his teepee and start giggling and he will come running. That’s a classic redirection, and it’s a great way to get a kid to stop doing something bad and move to more appropriate behavior.

And yes, he has a teepee.

We got it for free and store it in the closet, and break it out as a treat.  Charlie goes bananas.

6) Stop talking and displaying emotion during moments of conflict or disciplined

I wish I had read more about timeouts and the Magic 1-2-3 parenting system before it was time to start using them. I eventually devoured both books, and learned one thing that blew my mind. It’s really important to not talk or display emotion during moments of conflict or discipline. Misbehaving kids can get a sense of power from your reactions. Here’s more from the Magic 1-2-3 author:

Have you ever seen a small child go down to a lake and throw rocks in the water? Children can do that for hours, partly because the big splashes are a sign of their impact. They are the ones causing all the commotion.

“What does this have to do with what happens at my house?” you may ask. Simple. If your little child can get big-old you all upset, your upset is the big splash for him. Your emotional outburst accidentally makes your child feel powerful. His reaction does not mean that he has no conscience or is going to grow up to be a professional criminal. It ’s just a normal childhood feeling: Having all that power temporarily rewards — or feels good to — the inferior part of the child. Parents who say, “It drives me absolutely crazy when she eats her dinner with her fingers. Why does she do that?!” may have already answered their own question. She may do that — at least partly — because it drives Mom and Dad crazy. An important rule, therefore, is this: If you have a child who is doing something you don’t like, get real upset about it on a regular basis and, sure enough, she’ll repeat it for you.

When it comes to discipline, you want to be consistent, decisive and calm. So what we recommend in 1-2-3 Magic is that you apply — during moments involving conflict or discipline — what we call the “No-Talking and No-Emotion” Rules. Since we’re all human, these two rules really mean very little talking and very little emotion. But these rules are absolutely critical to your disciplinary eflectiveness. There are discipline systems other than the 1-2-3. But you will ruin any of them by talking too much and getting too excited. These two mistakes, of course, usually go hand in hand, and the emotion involved is usually anger.

This reminder has really helped Bee and me. When Charlie is acting up, we just ignore him and he usually stops (unless he is hungry or tired).

I wish we had learned this a year ago!

7) Don’t give options for everything

This tip is not backed up by any parenting books, so feel free to ignore it. But I used to give Charlie options for everything. Which shoes do you want to wear? Which shirt should we wear to school? Do you want to walk this way or that way?

Over time, I’ve learned to limit the amount of choice I offer Charlie. In the mornings, I dress him in whatever I think is best. I do still let him pick out which shoes to wear. But instead of letting him pick from all of his shoes, I pick two shoes and let him choose between them.

I’ve found that this lets him feel involved, without overwhelming him with choice. I read a book called the Paradox of Choice, which talked about how adults have become overwhelmed with constant decision-making (why are there so many different types of pickles??). There was also an article in the NYT that said we have a limited amount of decision energy a day and that you have to be careful not to use it all up or you will have trouble making decisions later in the day. (The solution btw, is to have some sugar; that will replenish your decision-making energy!)

But that’s not why I try and do this. I’m also hoping that reducing the number of decisions we offer Charlie constantly will help reinforce the idea that Charlie can’t always get anything he wants. When I was growing up, I wasn’t constantly being asked what I wanted and pandered to. Squishy I know, but I figure it can’t hurt.

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In the past few months, we’ve been thrilled to watch as Charlie becomes more centered and less spoiled.  He still is bratty at times (he doesn’t like to share, ugh!), but he is much more better behaved than he once was.  We are thrilled by the early results, but will stay focused on this as it’s a real priority for us!

I’d love to hear about how you guys are working to keep your kids centered and non-spoiled… especially in that in-between zone between from 3-6 months to 18-24 months.  Any tips or tricks that are working for you and your LO?  Please let us know!