Hellobee

The sense of entitlement is crazy. I am a high school teacher and like the student you had who put in no effort and wanted an A, I’ve got students who think just submitting something, anything, on time means that it’s an A. To them, it’s all or nothing. I had a student argue his grade with, “But I did it. I DID the assignment.” Buddy, doing something and doing something correctly are two different things.

I worry that my kids will act in this fashion but my husband things that BECAUSE I am a teacher, the chances are slimmer. My plan is to keep her very busy and have her earn certain opportunities.

This is an excellent post.

I feel like I was very lucky and blessed to be raised the way I was – American but not in America.

I still grew up with a love and belief in America and provided with many of the opportunities being American allowed, but I was raised outside the culture of entitlement and this idea that America is it, all there is, the best thing in the world. It gave me a clearer view of the world I’m in, and the realization that being American did not make me better. It just made me different.

I’m glad we have the opportunity to raise our children abroad as well.

This isn’t something that everyone can do, obviously, but I still think that making a point to educate your children about the rest of the world, other cultures, involving them in acts of service, helps – at least on some level – combat this idea of entitlement. It helps them value what they have instead of demand it.

The US isn’t the only place in the world it happens. Entitlement is an issue in several countries in Europe with respect to jobless benefits. It’s not just teens in school, unfortunately.

My dad told us a story about school when he was growing up. My father wasn’t a great student but because his father was on the school board, the teachers felt that they had to pass him on to the next grade. His father went to the school and demanded that my father be held back because he hadn’t earned the promotion (and wasn’t ready for it either). If his father hadn’t done that, I could imagine my father growing up to feel very entitled, and being like the kid who had never “gotten anything other than an A before”. Perhaps the trick is to be more like our grandparents and not allow our kids get everything for free (even if others want to give it to them).

Your post reflects my sentiments completely. I was raised to work hard to earn my grades, athletic abilities, money, respect, etc… I was raised with interests and hobbies (clarinet, trumpet, dance, basketball, track, horseback riding, hiking, babysitting) and started working as a cashier at a gas station in high school that I mostly saved for college. My step siblings, only 9-12 years younger than I am, are very different. They are glued to their phones/tv/video games and have very few interests or hobbies. They expect things to be given to them and complain about EVERYTHING. They are lazy and ungrateful. They are full of talent and potential, but it’s mostly unrealized at this point. My dad and step-mom argue almost constantly about her kids because of the difference in their values and what they are doing with their lives. I worry that eventually they will divorce over it.

My husband and I are worried about how we will raise our son and other future children without the sense of entitlement and with a strong set of values that so many kids (and adults) seem to be lacking these days. It does scare me.

I love the conveniences of technology, but sometimes I think it is an awful influence. It teaches immediate gratification, and many kids can’t speak proper english, can’t/don’t read, and pull values from shows like the Kardashians and Jersey Shore.

Right on, Mr. Bee! I completely agree with everything you said. I never thought about it from an immigrant perspective but I totally see the same exact things in today’s youth. I grew up in a culture where children were seen but not heard and understood that their wants and needs were going to come last unless they were life-threatening. And we knew it was an unimaginable crime to ever try and defy authority. I already see such a change in my nieces and nephews. My siblings are all great parents, so nothing against them whatsoever, but their kids also show strong signs of this entitlement attitude. It drives my Mom crazy because she has to ‘reteach’ them rules of the house every time they come and visit. Like: Do not interrupt adults while they are talking, ask politely if you need something, eat at the kids table (they eat at the adults table now!!), no loud noises before 8:00am, etc.

It makes me nervous to think about how I will avoid this with my future children. I feel like no matter how hard I try, any effort will be fruitless since it’s everywhere!

What an amazing post. My husband is a high school teacher in NYC and we see the same thing. The level of disrespect and entitlement is really worrying. Additionally, correcting the kids often leads to their parents complaining about hurt feelings!!??!! I get really nervous about raising our little one this way.

This is something my husband and I talk about even though we don’t have kids yet. I hope that we are able to raise our children into who are respectful.

As someone who works in higher education, I find your observations are right on. Even more worrisome is that I work with 20-some and 30-some-year-olds who have the writing skills of a junior high student. And they seem so utterly shocked to be called out on it. Perhaps I would be too if I made it through high school, college, and into a professional school.

I also worry about raising our baby in this immediate-gratification world, but I know that we’re the first line of defense against laziness and entitlement. So we’re going to have to have some serious discussions about giving our child what he wants versus what he needs. Neither of us grew up in a household that had the means to give much more than what we needed, so this is a new issue for both of us.

I honestly think that being raised on a farm was what sheltered me from an entitled mentality, because there was always so much work to do. If someone was sick, you picked up their slack and vice versa. There’s something humbling about knowing you’re not too important to clean out the barn. Ick.

That said, I’m not willing to commit to raising my kids on a farm because it’s a lot of work! But I really hope to teach my kids hard work, and that nothing is deserved but that all things can be earned.

Great post!!

@@shinystraps: you may be onto something… Superman was raised on a farm in Kansas!

This is definitely not an issue that is confined to the U.S. or even developed countries for that matter.

@mamimami: Ah that’s right, aren’t you in Mexico? Do you see these issues there as well?

@mrbee: I think entitlement probably happens everywhere, especially among people of certain socioeconomic classes. I think before we say like, “kids today and their entitlement,” we have to look at ourselves…. We may find, as adults, we are behaving the same exact way!

@mamimami: I tend to agree. I am 30 years old and I have long been frustrated by the entitlement displayed by people of my generation. Unfortunately, the children of these people will naturally pick up on most of those behaviors.

Fantastic post. I think it’s a modern complaint, wherever you have a significant affluent population. It does all come back to the parenting, without a doubt. My brother’s stepson is 14 and even though the family hasn’t been together very long, I’ve always bought him birthday and Christmas presents, not wanting him to feel left out. Sometimes I’d drop in presents and he might be at his dad’s or a friend’s house, so I wouldn’t see him in person. And to date, only when I put a gift directly into his hand do I actually get a ‘thanks’. He can’t be blamed for this: it’s his mother’s fault, and to a lesser extent my brother’s, for not handing him the phone with the instruction to ring me and thank me. Later in life, I’m sure people will say he’s rude and presumptuous- but he didn’t arrive out of the womb like that. His parents are creating this behaviour by not instructing better behaviour.
I used to feel hard done by, as a child, when my mother was banging on about manners, but she was so right. In some ways it’s the most important thing we can give our children. It doesn’t matter how much talent or skill you have if people don’t want to work with you because of your attitude/personality.

Yes, I definitely see much more entitlement in society today. My nieces and nephews were raised correctly and aren’t lazy by any means but I still do see flashes of the entitlement attitude now and then. I guess it’s hard to avoid when it’s so pervasive.

The only thing we can do as parents is to be good role models and guide their moral paths. My husband and I have already agreed that LO will be earning her allowance (via chores and grades), that she won’t be a stranger to summer jobs, and that
we’ll all be volunteering at shelters regularly so that she can appreciate how fortunate she is. I think international travel is also a great way to give children perspective.

great post, Mr. Bee! I definitely agree that entitlement is something we need to be consciously aware of…both in how our society is as well as how the mr. and I live our lives as an example to the little one.

I always tell the husband that even if we are financially sound and can afford many things…we should LIE to our kids about it (half kidding) in order to make them think they need to WORK for what they want. Our parents were immigrants and we knew that if we wanted something, we needed to get jobs and work hard in school. We are only where we are because we did that. Same should apply for our kids even if we are in a better place than our parents were.

Great post! I agree with the others that proper parenting will have the biggest effect regarding this issue. We are so accustomed to instant gratification these days that kids pick up on that. My son is only two, and my husband and I just commented the other night that we have never dared to behave the way he behaves when we were his age. But everything is literally at our finger tips with a click of a mouse and I think the kids pick up on that. I feel like a lot of things that make our lives easier are also making our children lazier. It’s more important that ever to try to instill good work ethics into our kids.

@ CCO14: My father always told me he was a janitor. And then one day I found a buisness card that said director….

I still laugh thinking that I believed my father that there was such thing as director of janitors.

Living below our means was a great way to ground us.

This post is completely right on! And let me tell ya….it’s not just in education either. I manage a team of 12 and some of those are entry-level positions. These young kids come right out of college and feel like they have some sense of entitlement! For example, I gave one of these “kids” an assignment and he comes to my desk and says:

Kid: “I don’t think I should do this assignment because I’m not learning anything from this. I’ll only do tasks where I get something out of it.”
Me: “Tough sh*t. Everyone has to do the same assignment.”
Kid: “Well, I graduated from NYU.”
Me: “That’s nice. Go do your assignment.”

I have NEVER EVER spoken to my manager like that ever in my life! My husband was even shocked. Who does that?

@banana: Holy cow!!!

Can you fire the employee in question?

i’m worried about this too. i admit i had an entitled phase from late high school to early college, but was cured when i got cut off by the parents. it’s definitely not only america, though, my mom is a professor in korea and sees this all the time. we’ve had moms of college students come to our home in korea bc they’re unhappy with their (grown-up) kids’ grades, try to bribe their way to better grades, etc. the sad thing is it often works – even when my mom has said no, sometimes they will go over her head and convince someone else to change the grade.

I totally agree that there is a problem with “kids” today in the way you’re describing. But to play a little bit of devil’s advocate, this (hilarious) Cracked.com post makes the case that it’s not this generation’s fault, it’s their parents’ fault: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-we-ruined-occupy-wall-street-generation/

The gist of it is that these kids have grown up being told every day of their lives “If you work hard and get good grades, you can be anything you want and everything will work out for you – OR ELSE YOU’LL HAVE TO FLIP BURGERS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.” Kids learn from that a) exactly what they’re told – they should expect life to fall into their laps if they only work hard and get good grades and a college degree, and b) they are *too good for flipping burgers*. I sympathize with that a lot. It’s easy for us to look down on them and say “Well you think you’re too good for menial tasks, then you’ll never climb the ladder that way” when it makes perfect sense given what they’ve always been told about the way life works. Kids like that feel like if they accept a menial task or manual labor job, they’re immediately a failure and their whole life is a disappointment, because they’ve been told for so long that there is nothing more important than staying away from that kind of work.

There’s also an excellent article from Scientific American on how to address this problem (it discusses how to raise children to value learning and hard work, instead of valuing good grades or simply thinking of themselves as innately smart): http://www.ccsf.edu/Campuses/Downtown/scientific_american.pdf

There’s some really fascinating stuff in that article, I find it challenges a lot of conventions about raising kids. Here’s the summary:

“Many people assume that superior intelligence or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an overemphasis on intellect or talent—and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed—leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
Teaching people to have a “growth mind-set,” which encourages a focus on effort rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life.
Parents and teachers can engender a growth mind-set in children by praising them for their effort or persistence (rather than for their intelligence), by telling success stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning, and by teaching them about the brain as a learning machine.”

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Sorry this is long, but, FINALLY, just as a PS, please be careful about using the phrase “culture of entitlement.” This is a phrase made popular these days by conservative politicians who are trying to demonize people on welfare or other social programs by portraying them as lazy and entitled, saying they think the government owes them a living instead of having to work for it. I know that’s not what you’re talking about at all, Mr. Bee, and I’m very glad to see that none of the commenters took it that way either! But I just wanted to raise that in case anyone reading may have interpreted it that way.

@PawPrints: Thanks for the neat articles!

Let me know if there’s another phrase that would have conveyed the idea of a “culture of entitlement” without using verbiage pulled from the world of politics!

@mrbee: a culture of generalized snottiness?

@mamimami: @mrbee: I like “culture of generalized snottiness”

Mr Bee – Your post is utterly and sadly accurate. I taught jr high and high school for a year and was horrified at the attitudes displayed by my students. They did no tunderstand the need to earn grades and expected everything to be handed to them. It was depressing.

I constantly worry about this. I see it in some of our friends’ kids, and I’m floored by it. I read a post from NPR today. They are gathering information on an article about parents who are now getting involved in their 20-something children’s jobs, like calling to advocate that their child get a promotion, negotiate better benefits, protest a poor evaluation… REALLY?! Parents behaving like that is what creates these entitled children!

I could not agree with your points any more. I worry about my son being corrupted by the snotty attitude that the newer generation seems to have. What’s worse is that they actually seem to get away with it and do better than those of us who are quiter and hard workers. It’s sad, but I feel like hard workers aren’t valued like they used to be. I’ve seen this in the last job I had with myself and other great employees. The ones that were most successful were definitely the ones who acted all entitled and did more talking than doing. It’s just plain annoying and frustrating. We talk about it a lot and we are going to try to do everything in our power to make sure our kids don’t turn out like that.

So refreshing to hear that I’m not the only one worried about kids today and my daughter growing up to be one of them. Obviously at six months she’s far from succumbing to the influences of today’s craziness but I know I will have to start actively worrying sooner than I can imagine. I worked a decade in the lending industry and have witnessed parents mortgaging their futures and retirement away to pay for their kids’ tuition – to preschool! aiyaiYAI
I pledged to my husband, Mr. Dumptruck, that I would work my hardest (with him) to make sure our children know the value of hard work and imagination. I feel like kids today are missing so much because they stopped using their imaginations to play.

Well, think about it. Not that I lived through it, and of course my knowledge is purely Hollywood media based, but remember remarks from the 50’s generation about those 60’s hippies? Lazy, druggie, entitled? This doesn’t necessarily seem like a recent phenomenon. Now, I agree, there are a ton of school kids who are total buttmunches when it comes to entitlement. But there are just as many crotchety old men demanding their senior discounts or fighting speeding tickets. Not being prejudiced toward the old, but just saying that it crosses generations and ages. There are entitled attitudes everywhere, and it’s not just in recent years. Aristocratic royalty? Probably the worst offenders. But I totally get your point. I want to teach my daughter that hard work gains personal satisfaction and achievement. It feels so much better to scratch and claw your way up the mountain than to just get dropped off by helicopter, you know?

I struggle with this a lot. As my son whines and screams to play with my iPad. As he dresses in clothes gifted to him from places like Gap and Nordstrom (when I was dressing in things made by hand or the salvation army). As we fly across the world for him to visit his grandparents.

How can I keep him from this entitlement I am not willing to deny myself all of these things?

This is a great post. I wonder if it’s like this in Canada. Sure times have changed but Canada being ranked the best educated country I wonder if it’s really hard work and sweat or it’s all about breezing through education.

I look at younger kids now and the way they talk to their parents and or teachers is alarming. I never spoke back too my parents (with some exceptions) but knowing to respect authority is something the younger generations have a hard time with. I hope we will do a decent job.

Here’s the thing (and I think you and Mrs. Bee know this): Don’t be afraid to TEACH your children values. Don’t allow our corrupted culture to teach them for you. Be firm and confident in teaching your children right from wrong, even when that goes against what the culture (in particular, parenting culture) tells you.

There is a great book by Betsy Hart called “It Takes a Parent” that is FANTASTIC and speaks right to this issue – I highly recommend it!

I’m reading this post after clicking through from your post on entitlement and how to avoid it. I’m shocked that people spoke like that to you. I tend to think us young adults get judged rather harshly from those who are just a little older, graduated when the economy was doing much better, etc. But I also grew up in a very Asian population (mostly Japanese and Filipino friends throughout my childhood) and many of my friends had immigrant parents so maybe my vision is skewed. I definitely know a few entitled kids/people so I’m taking this more seriously now.