Since returning from the US two months ago, I’ve been in a depressive slump. I don’t manage stress very well, so it’s probably due to a combination of several things going on in my life – a family member going through a serious health problem, being spread thin with too many commitments, juggling several new business projects, and 2020 just being a really rough year financially with a very uncertain year ahead of us due to the coronavirus greatly impacting our tourism-reliant business.

I’ve mentioned before that I have high-functioning depression, which is an invisible illness where the outside world has no idea that anything is going on with me. And after living here for over four years, my simple island life has gotten more complicated as I become more involved with local initiatives. I currently manage five local Facebook groups on news, animal rescue, children’s literacy, and banning plastic/biodiversity conservation, so people are always asking me for help. My biggest problem is that I can’t say no, especially when it comes to animal rescue. But this past weekend I had to draw a line because I was dreading waking up each day, and getting out of bed was even worse! So I didn’t go to my book club meeting; I didn’t go to a presentation with a NGO I’m involved with; I didn’t go to the monthly farmer’s market I usually attend to support friends; I didn’t go to the opening of a friend’s new beach club. I did find time to drop off two kittens at their new homes, but other than that I stayed home all weekend doing absolutely nothing.

I’ve been taking antidepressants for most of the past 10+ years, but that doesn’t inoculate me from falling into regular depressive episodes. I’m always mildly depressed, but these more serious episodes always seems to sneak up on me and take a little while before I notice that I’m in one. These are usually the telltale signs:

1) I can’t stand to cook – Cooking takes an immense amount of time — from meal planning to shopping to cooking to cleaning up. I used to cook all my animals’ food from scratch last year and I can’t fathom how I did that when even making one simple meal for my kids is so difficult nowadays. But when you’re solo parenting, you have to cook every day. What has it looked like the past two months? Cereal or instant oatmeal for breakfast. Sandwiches. Rotisserie chicken. Eggs. The kids cooking their own meals on weekends.

2) I have no energy to clean – The dishes pile up, the laundry piles up, but most of all stuff piles up because organizing anything requires way too much mental power and energy.

3) I forget things – Maybe it’s because I don’t want to deal with things that I forget them, but I’m constantly forgetting things I need to buy, payments I need to make, things I need to do, etc.

4) I am extremely irritable – My animals, whom I usually love, are driving me crazy right now. Sometimes it’s my kids that drive me crazy, but I’ve had so many rescues lately that they and, moreso the people I’ve been dealing with, have been driving me crazy. Yesterday someone was supposed to meet me to pick up two kittens and not only did they not show up, they didn’t call. I was absolutely livid as I planned my whole day around meeting her. Despite her being in the wrong, I still rarely get so angry.

5) I am apathetic – It requires too much energy to care so I don’t care about anything. I just zone out.

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6) I become anti-social – As an introvert, socializing frequently is draining for me. When I’m depressed, I just want to cocoon and don’t want anything to do with the outside world.

7) I stop caring about myself – I don’t put on makeup, I can’t remember the last time I got a haircut, I don’t care what I wear. I need to get a refill on my antidepressants but it seems like a Herculean task. I have absolutely no energy to do any self-care.

8) I’m exhausted – No matter how much I sleep, I’m still perpetually tired. I could easily lay in bed for days on end if I didn’t have a family to care for and work to do. Any task, no matter how small, requires so much energy that I procrastinate on everything.

9) I hate looking in the mirror – Partly due to lack of self care and partly due to my negative perception of myself when I’m depressed, whenever I look at myself in the mirror I think I look absolutely hideous. I try to avoid mirrors as much as possible.

10) I have obsessive thoughts – One of my compulsions is to wonder whether I turned off the stove. I’ve returned home many times just to double check, though it’s never been on. I started taking pictures of the stove before I leave the house so that I know it’s off, but my friend had the brilliant idea to set a webcam on it so I could check it from my phone!

11) I lose interest in things I loved before – My family, friends, animals, book club, spending time in nature, planning trips… I don’t look forward to anything and just want to lay in bed all day.

It’s difficult to deal with depression as a parent because you tend to always put your kids first. Recently Mr. Bee took Olive out for lunch for alone time, and he explained to her that sometimes Mommy gets depressed. Olive said that she loved learning more about me. This past weekend I canceled our jam packed weekend of social engagements and stayed home. I told the kids that I didn’t have any energy to cook and to make their own breakfast (french toast). Olive asked me if it was because I was depressed and has been extra helpful around the house.

Despite dealing with this for most of my life, I still don’t have the answers. I just take a day at a time and usually it gets better little by little until I look forward to going out and doing things again.