Hellobee

Back in December 2010, we decided to have Paige evaluated by our state’s Early Intervention program. At that time I’d spent a significant amount of time worrying about her lack of speech and her lack of interest in being with me, or caring whether or not I was there. She spent a lot of time playing by herself, looking at books alone in the corner… generally keeping herself entertained all day. She seemed to wander from thing to thing without ever stopping for much time to really play with anything, and never seemed to be able to focus on anything. When I spoke to her, she never really looked at me or seemed to care about what I said. Her moments of eye contact were swift and fleeting.

Now I know it’s all called a “lack of engagement.” She could make the sounds of the animals and say “Dada” but couldn’t say Mama or much of anything else that would be useful in her day. I wasn’t as much worried about her speech, figuring that perhaps she was just going to be a “late talker,” but it was the lack of interest and focus in anything that was starting to freak me out along with the fact that she wasn’t trying to communicate via pointing or gesturing (which came not long after the evaluation, phew!).

The evaluators came out and it was a melee of women crammed in our play room as they watched Paige wander around and tried to get her to do different things. She ended up having very advanced gross and fine motor skills (well past 24 months and some things closer to age 3), and her cognitive skills were where they needed to be. But her expressive language (the words she says) and her receptive language (the words she understands) were way behind — meaning at a 10 month-old level. Paige was 19 months old at the time. They also noticed that she seemed to not be able to focus on things because she was too busy seeking out sensory experiences. She had to touch everything or chew on her doll or play in the bean box, and they hypothesized that that was why she was behind. She just couldn’t organize herself enough to pay attention and learn from what was around her.

She was immediately assigned different therapies – a developmental specialist (DS) to help her work on social skills, eye contact, engagement, focus, etc.; a speech therapist (a speech language pathologist) to help her develop her language skills; and an Occupational Therapist (OT) to help sort out her sensory needs and how to meet them so that she could focus on her tasks. She starting seeing the DS once per week (for one hour) and the others once per month (for one hour).

Through my own research, reading and studying, I have figured out the best ways I can help Little P at home on my own time. It may not be perfect, but it’s something and it’s consistent. In the beginning of January she had 10 words and as of March 27th, she had 114 in her expressive vocabulary (words she can say without prompting). She was able to focus for huge lengths of time. She was able to follow directions and point out anything in a book if I asked her. She was finally starting to mimic us… not just repeating words but also making faces we made in the mirror, silly dance moves, and other games (things she used to be unable to d0). She looked us in the eyes all the time. She smiled and wanted hugs and snuggles. She kissed us and said “night-night” at bedtime. She came to me and clung to me through the day (which she never used to do). She started asking for things she needed and communicating her needs if she couldn’t say the words (she never used to even point at things she wanted or needed… she’d just cry). She became a whole different kid in only 2-3 months’ time!

I could say that I believe that she was a late bloomer in hitting those certain milestones, but she hit them. My fears finally subsided as she started acting like the other kids in her classes and even taking certain leadership. It was exciting since it wasn’t long ago that she used to run away from the other kids and play alone in the corner, and avoided everyone and everything at all costs. She certainly never could take direction or sit still. Now it was all different.

I spend a minimum of one hour each day (usually closer to 3) working with Little P. I read a lot of texts about how to engage a child who is hard to engage. Our best method has involved playing together in a concentrated way for several chunks of time through the day. The website Teach me to Talk has been monumental in teaching me HOW to play with Paige in a way that will engage her, keep her with me during play, and learn to enjoy being with me. In turn, she can learn from me (language, eye contact, fun, warmth, give and take, all sorts of social cues). We play with a variety of toys that are meant to draw lots of language opportunities out and it’s worked like a charm. I’ve also learned lots of little social games that are fun. I can barely keep up now with the changes in her! Best of all, for me, is that Little P wants to be with me now and no longer insists on playing alone (she used to run away from me every time I tried to insert myself into her play). She always wants me nearby (which is the normal thing), and we enjoy a warm and loving relationship filled with rewarding moments and fun. I can’t tell you how special that is when you missed it for so long. Little P. is able to express herself, share, and include me in her games. It’s such a gift. I’ve also figured out what sensory activities Little P. craves and have learned to discern when she needs them through the day. She can focus and engage so well after a little time in her swing or squeezing Play Doh as examples.

In honesty, I spent a lot of time in the past crying and wondering why my daughter didn’t seem to care if I was around. It was hard on me after all the struggle we went through to have her (and I mean that in the way that we went through so much before we were lucky enough to have her, and it felt like we’d already “paid our dues” in terms of challenges. Of course that’s not how life works.). I felt such a bond with her but didn’t always feel it from her. It’s not to say she disliked me; she just didn’t know how to engage with me in meaningful ways all of the time. She definitely had moments of needing me, connecting and enjoying my company. It just wasn’t a deep and constant connection most people enjoy naturally with their kids. Now, that problem is long gone and I say GOOD RIDDANCE!

I’ll admit, sometimes now I get a little down that I have had to work so hard to have all of this happen (and will likely continue to do so). This stuff comes naturally without effort for most kids, and that’s just not the case for us. It’s been another challenge in my life that left me wondering “Why us?” We did everything “right.” But I’ve learned that our kids come with their own special gifts, struggles, strengths and challenges, and it has nothing to do with us as parents unless we are abusers. It’s certainly not our kids’ fault either… it’s just what IS.

I’m tired a lot and some days I just can’t put in the effort to do so much extra. But, in whole, discovering how to engage Little P has changed our lives so drastically and thrillingly and I just had to write it here and share in case anyone else is going through a similar thing. We’ve gone through the tunnel and are coming out the other side. We are still on the road. Right now, things are exactly as they need to be and I feel really grateful.