The role of “stay-at-home mom” is one I never imagined for myself when I was young. I knew I wanted to be a mom one day; as a teen I imagined myself as one day having a fast-paced design job with kids in daycare. I always thought I would want to work, if I was lucky enough to have the choice to do so.
It’s funny how time changes your mind. Indeed I was lucky enough to have a choice, and I chose to stay home with my daughter and raise her. This post isn’t to get into a “this” versus “that” conversation… all I will say is I’m grateful to have the choice and understand why others choose to work instead of stay home as well. It’s a topic that is not black and white, that’s for sure! I guess this post is to address other stay at home moms and ask them this: Do you feel the pressure to do more? I see blog posts from other SAHMs who have jobs on the side, where they squeeze creative careers in during naps, evenings and weekends. Or, I see them cooking up a storm, sewing kids’ clothes, and reorganizing their houses all while tending to 4 kids. It is easy to feel inadequate if I compare.
In my own case, I tried to squeeze in some work for design clients on the side but had to give it up. I simply couldn’t give my clients the time and attention they deserved while still giving my daughter the attention she deserved. I found myself getting stressed and I guess resentful with trying to squeeze everything into a two-hour nap window, and I simply didn’t want to start my “second job” in the evening once Paige went to bed. I wanted to relax after a long day! Being sole caregiver to a child all day is a full-time job as we all know. Then, there’s the issue of personal hobbies, interests, and care. I felt the need to have a day of the week where I set aside time to paint “just for me.” Or, an evening where I scheduled time to get my hair cut or some such thing. Everyone is always saying how you have to set aside time regularly for doing the things you want. Believe it or not, that was stressing me out too!
I never felt relaxed, satisfied, or settled in my role as Mom. I always felt like I was supposed to be doing more and resenting it at the same time. But I’ve discovered that this is a fleeting chapter in my life. It will be a short phase that won’t last forever. I want to enjoy and honor it. I’ve given up trying to squeeze all kinds of extra things in. Relief! I’ve made the decision to simply be a mom to my daughter and give her my best efforts. I no longer feel frantic or less-than the next gal. It has taken me a while to get to this point… to accept that I’m doing more than enough and I’m actually happy with it!
Now that I’ve let go of all the expectations of what I should be doing in addition to mothering, I feel like I can finally be myself and enjoy my role. If I feel like doing a painting and I have a slice of time, then I will paint. But I don’t schedule it in and create stress around it. I will go back to doing all the other things my life has to offer once my children are school-age. In the meantime, I will relax, rest and read during Paige’s naps and not race to fill them with a hundred tasks that are supposedly for “me.” I will spend my evenings with my husband instead of frantically racing around on the computer. And I will know that being “just a mom” is more than enough to keep me busy, happy, exhausted and fulfilled for the time being. And if that changes, I am confident that I will take the necessary steps to make things right. For now, I’m giving in to this role, and I’m finding I love it more than I thought I would. It just took me letting go of those other notions to discover it. I’ve also realized that I can include Paige in my interests during the day, thus keeping her and myself entertained. Not everything has to be her time versus my time. That has been helping a lot too.
Any other SAHMs out there who feel pressure to do more than their day job, whether it is a side job, something for personal enrichment, etc.? Is it stuff you want and enjoy doing? Or is it stuff you feel you should be doing?
Mrs. Hide and Seek part 1 of 13
1. Role Play by Mrs. Hide and Seek2. The Birth by Mrs. Hide and Seek
3. The Birth, Part II by Mrs. Hide and Seek
4. A Nursery for Paige by Mrs. Hide and Seek
5. Big Girl Bed by Mrs. Hide and Seek
6. Little P's Big Girl Room by Mrs. Hide and Seek
7. What You Talkin' Bout? by Mrs. Hide and Seek
8. Playroom by Mrs. Hide and Seek
9. "Free Play" Used To Be Just Play by Mrs. Hide and Seek
10. Antepartum Depression by Mrs. Hide and Seek
11. Noah's Nautical Nest by Mrs. Hide and Seek
12. On Stay-at-Home Motherhood and Positivity by Mrs. Hide and Seek
13. Stay at Home Mom Style and Fashion by Mrs. Hide and Seek
GOLD / apricot / 337 posts
Great post. Being a mom is a full-time job and deserves a lot of merit. I gave this a lot of thought when I was at home with LM during maternity leave. It’s never an easy choice and as someone who is used to working and staying “busy” it plagued me! I felt I had to do more than “just be a mom” and tried to fill up my days in the name of duty or guilt. I should have just cherished all that time I had with LM. Now I miss a lot of the daytime activities during the week, but when I get home at night I’m solely focused on being a mom to LM and everything else is secondary.
persimmon / 1255 posts
Wow, it’s like you read my mind! I struggle with this daily. I love being a SAHM but I do feel pressure to do more, I think because I used to earn as much as my husband and feel guilty that I’m not paying half the bills like I used to. I still think about starting an at-home business to add to my SAHM resume (and to make some extra play money) but I keep procrastinating, probably because I don’t really want the stress of a second job during naps or when my LO goes to bed. I’m also pretty sure that in the long run, the at-home business is going to affect my LO and my marriage negatively.
Thank you for this post, it’s really got me thinking about why I feel slightly uneasy when I tell people that I’m a SAHM and that maybe a paradigm shift is in order to change that.
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
Maybe I’m a rare person who really doesn’t feel the pressure. I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM, and I remember what it was like to have my mom home with me. She wasn’t ever doing outside things, everything always seemed to be focused on us kids. So that’s what I’m hoping to be able to do too.
I’m also lucky enough to have a supportive hubby who agrees with this. We’re doing ok financially, so I don’t have to worry about making money and working right now. If I don’t get all the housework done or make dinner, he understands that I had a lot to do with the baby all day! There are things that I enjoy doing, such as art and baking, but as my LO gets older those are things that we’ll hopefully be doing together.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
I love your point about “her time versus my time”. I think keeping that in mind can make the SAHM role just a bit easier.
kiwi / 729 posts
I thought this was a great post. As someone who was used to a 9-5 with a demanding boss, I never thought I’d stay at home after a baby. I foresaw missing the adult interaction and the feeling of bringing home a paycheck. I, too, was lucky enough to have the choice – long story short, I am a SAHM. I also felt inadequate knowing that my friends were all working mothers who seemed to have the best of both worlds…coworkers, business trips, and enough time on the weekends for ‘family’ time. I guess the lesson is not to compare eh? I do my best, as everyone does, and hopefully one day, when the LO is old enough, I may try to dip my foot back in the working world. For now, LO is my priority and I love being his mother. Thanks for this post, it made me feel so much better!!
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
This post really resonated with me. I constantly feel guilty I’m not spending enough time with my kids, though I probably spend more time with them than most working parents since I work from home. I also constantly marvel at how so many women seem to be able to do it all. I am certainly not one of those women.
Kudos to you for having the self-awareness to realize that being a full time sahm is more than enough! I always say it’s the hardest job in the world!
cherry / 116 posts
Oh my gosh, I think we are living the same life! I also never thought I would be a SAHM, but now I’m in that position and feeling like I should be doing something “useful and productive” during naptimes.
I still haven’t given myself permission to just relax, but I am getting better. Instead of rushing to the computer to work on business the second my daughter falls asleep, I take some time for myself. I have also amped up my hobbies and I’m really enjoying quilting and practicing my piano.
apple seed / 2 posts
Thank you for this thoughtful post! I have to remind myself that because my kids (well, one is sill in utero!) are young, they are entirely dependent on me, but this will not always be the case. I can go back for a Master’s later, but their formative years cannot be redone. It’s hard, we could really use a second income . . . but this is the choice we’ve made for now and we do our best with it. I admire your attitude!
coffee bean / 41 posts
I don’t necessarily feel like I need to do more as in work part-time or keep a super-clean house or anything of that nature. Because I did work part-time for about 6 months when my son was born and I was very unhappy with the situation and way too stressed, so I know that’s not for me. But as a SAHM I always think I should be doing more with my son, who is 17 months. I always worry I’m not teaching him enough or doing enough activities with him. We read, play with toys and blocks, go for walks when it’s nice, attempt to color, and play outside. But I think about all the things they do at daycare/preschool and put pressure on myself to make sure he’s not getting behind because he’s hanging out with me all day… I want to be a SAHM until my kids are in school (I’m due with my second in two weeks), but I just hope I’m teaching them enough I guess.
honeydew / 7968 posts
i’m really looking forward to being a sahm! have a feeling it’ll be extra hard with 2 babies to take care of. eek!
olive / 54 posts
I give tons of kudos to SAHMs because I know that I would not be able to do this. I do feel guilty about not being at home with my little guy, but at the end of the day I know that I’m a better parent.
kiwi / 718 posts
great post! I don’t currently have the choice to be a sahm, but it’s something that we’re working towards & I can see this being something that I would struggle with as well.